Defamation, Slander and Lies – Vilma vs. Goodell

Vilma vs. Goodell - Worst UFC Match Ever.

It sounds like the title of an awful Summer movie release doesn’t it?

…in a world filled with litigious denizens, one man dares to go against the grain. The Ginger General has boldly come forward, publicly accusing a football player of doing football things. Vilma is out for vengence…

Yes, it’s sad but unfortunately true, the ripple effect of Bounty Gate has finally come back to potentially bite Roger Goodell right square in his pasty white ass. In the suit, Vilma alleges that Goodell made false statements that tarnished his reputation and hindered his ability to earn a living.

While traditional thinking might lead one to believe that suing one’s employer is not the best way to remain employed for the long term, this is a good thing. For years now, the commissioner has been handing out penalties and fines in such an arbitrary manner that one would have to conclude that he’s got personal grudges against some players.

Take James Harrison for example. This man has been fined numerous times for simply playing the game of Football the way it was meant to be played. That’s insanity, and yet, nobody is stepping in to put the brakes on the commissioner for handing out in excess of $125,000 in 2011 alone?

I will admit the argument can be made that he’s trying to hurt somebody, but then again, I’ve seen flags thrown in this league for perfectly clean hits where helmet to helmet contact was purely incidental and caused no injury to either player. They wear the helmets to prevent head to head collisons that will almost certainly cause permanent damage. When the helmets touch, that’s just the helmets doing their job in 95% of the cases.

Let’s look at another Steeler for a minute. One who was almost never fined, or otherwise penalized, for blatant dirty shots on opponents. Hines Ward was one of the dirtiest players on the field. Delivering crack-back blocks that threatened to permanently disable opposing defenders simply because he was in a position to do so.

Where’s the fairness in that? If Commissioner Goodell was sooooo awfully concerned about player safety, he’d look at all players, not just the ones who are easy targets.

But I digress. I hope Vilma not only wins this lawsuit but in doing so manages to discredit Goodell in such a way that the league votes his stupid ass out of the position. I’m sorry, he’s done nothing positive for the game in his tenure if you ask me. And this latest round of fines, suspensions and penalties to the teams in the off season? Well, if you ask me, that’s the first step to taking over as COBRA commander. Today the NFL, tomorrow the WORLD!!!!

Flogging The Friday Dog – May 18th Edition

Yes, if you're unsure, it's a euphemism for masturbating.

It’s once again Friday, and once again nothing great is happening at the Gut-Ranch. But I can recap what’s happened this week, so that’s what I’m going to do.

Monday Night Raw was horrid, once again – BellyBillboard

Monday Night Raw, via John Cena, announced a THIRD GODDAMNED HOUR OF PROGRAMMING – BellyBillboard

Disco Queen Donna Summer passed away, and idiots took to Twitter to pay their respects. - Billboard

Insufferable douchebag Will Smith and his family were visiting the Obamas, son Jaden decided to ask about aliens. Yahoo! Movies

Arby’s served up some Good Mood Food with a middle finger to a teenager in Michigan. So much for the Good Mood. Shine

Robert Griffin III™ was on Leno last night. Fumbled Returns talks about it. FumbledReturns

Finally, you have two more days to follow my sports blog on Twitter for a chance to win two Robert Griffin III™ Sage Hit Rookie Cards. It’s free to enter, I just need friends. Dammit, be my friend!

WWE & USA Teaming up to Kill Us All

In a Tweet just released by WWE’s very own John Cena:

STARTING Monday Night July 23 @USA_NETWORK WILL BE ADDING A 3RD HOUR TO @WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW – PERMANENTLY. #3hourRaw

— John Cena (@JohnCena) May 17, 2012

So, um, yeah. Three hours of this shit from July until USA realizes that the ratings are going to be even worse than they have been up until now. Imagine the possibilities though:

WWE could truly work to develop younger talent and characters, build intriguing and fun storylines, and most of all, with that extra hour of programming to fill they won’t have any more excuses not to work MORE actual wrestling into the show…right?

Wrong. This is how it’s going to turn out. We’ll get even more recaps and video packages. Tons more backstage hijinks between whoever the hell is in charge and acting like the corporate asshole and we’ll see even more commercials than ever before.

Yes, it’s going to be the same 4 matches that last all of 20 minutes combined, along with even more stilted dialogue and uncomfortable acting in the ring and behind the curtain for your viewing pleasure.

My RAW Regurgitation is typically clocking at least 3,000 words per entry, and now they’re going to make me go to damn near 5,000 words to convey what they couldn’t in three hours of programming.

I have to say, this is an awful idea and I see it being scaled back down to two hours by September. And that’s too goddamned long to wait if you ask me.

I’m becoming a goddamned baseball fan

Hit somebody dammit! Quit scratching your balls!

I don’t know why or how this happened exactly, but I do know that it’s happening. At 37 years of age, I’ve never been a fan of Major League Baseball. I knew of it, of course, but I could never work up enough of a shit to give.

I always found it boring, dull, slow, excruciating to watch and the amount of statistics they keep on everything from REAL stats, like batting average to things like “Joe Rodriguez is batting .457 against left handed pitchers when playing in the afternoon, between the hours of 2pm and 5pm eastern standard time, but only when the sun is partially obscured by clouds and a breeze coming in from the northeast at less than 5 miles per hour.” WHAT????? How? I don’t…ugh.

So no, I’ve never been a fan of the sport. I liked going to the local Single-A team we had when I was growing up, but that’s because I could meet the players, run around behind the bleachers, and it cost like $5 to see it. So if you got bored with it, you could leave at any time and you were out $5.

Then last year, one of my boys decided he wanted to play baseball. I was against it because, baseball sucks. But I didn’t tell him that. I always support my boys in whatever they’re interested in. Secretly, though, I was hoping he’d hate it so I wouldn’t have to deal with it beyond one season.

No such luck. He loves it. He’s not very good at it yet, but he tries like hell and that’s all that matters to me. So we find ourselves going to little league games at least twice a week for 10 weeks in the Spring. We’re finally coming up on the final game of the season and I find myself watching baseball on TV, listening to it on the radio and following it on the internet.

What the hell happened to me? Is this natural? As you age, do you get more interested in boring-as-paint-drying sports? Or is it because my son enjoys it so much that that love of the game is starting to spread to me? I don’t have an answer, but I do know that I don’t appreciate this shit.

I’ve got better things to do with my time than being a fan of baseball. I need to seek professional help.

Swimming Pools Suck Balls

Pure Hellish Torture

I’ve had a swimming pool in my life since I was about 8 years old or so. My parents got us a pool back in the 80′s and it was an in-ground deal. And for the first year or so it was so awesome! Always able to swim, have my friends over, the works.

Then, it became work for me, because I was deemed old enough to help with the maintenance of the pool. Vacuuming, scrubbing the algae off the walls, skimming, opening, closing, you name it, I got to do it. And the minute something fun becomes work, you get tired of fooling with it.

I remember entire summers going by where I only grudgingly got in it with my friends when they wouldn’t shut up about it. Trust me, I’m not ungrateful, but work outweighed the fun by a mile.

Then, finally, I got married and we moved into a place without a pool. And that was FREAKIN’ AWESOME. No more vacuuming, adding chemicals, scrubbing the walls of the pool to remove pool scum. Oh it was glorious. I had time to do nothing at all and I used it to its fullest. That lasted 5 years. Then we moved to South Carolina and godammitall to hell, the wife and kids wanted a pool. So we got a pool.

And ever since, I’ve been f*cking around with this pool. It’s like I did something wrong in a previous life. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

RAW Regurgitation – There Are No Winners Here, Just Varying Degrees Of Loser

2 Hours TV Time. 15 Minutes Wrestling. That's quality entertainment.

Raw. Oh Raw. Why do you continue to do this to us? It’s getting painful to sit through two-plus hours of your programming anymore. You know what though? Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m expecting too much from you, and I’ll admit it’s a possibility. A remote one.

Anyhow, this show took place in Pittsburgh and is the last live television show before the Over the Limit PPV event this Sunday. An event that has one marquee matchup that anybody is going to give two shits about. Otherwise, you’re dealing with filler matches because this is a throw-away PPV for the company. Save your $45, tune in Monday night and watch still photos from the event.

As always, I’ll ask you to follow me on Twitter and leave a comment below. As always, you’ll flat freakin’ ignore that request and I’ll go through life thinking nobody likes me. And I’m fine with that. Really. I’m fine. Just stop asking me, OK?

Let’s get through this shit.

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RAW Premature Regurgitation

I just got excited. That almost NEVER happens to me. Honest.

Yep, Monday Night Raw happens tonight, and in honor of that, I thought we’d take a quick look at what you can expect to be disappointed with before it happens.

With this being the “go-home” show before their Over-The-Limit Pay Per View event this coming Sunday, you can be sure there will be precious little wrestling, but lots of recap packages, video and still photos of the “feuds” that have developed recently. Quick! Name one feud! You can’t, because they haven’t really developed anything.

But hell, if you’ve got $45 and nothing better to do, the CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan match for the WWE Championship should be a good one either way.

Let’s get into this, shall we?

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Monday Mother’s Day Hangover – Holy Hell

I can't have given birth to FOUR of Satan's spawn! It's physically impossible. Pass me the tequila and leave me the f*ck alone.

Well thank god that day is over and done with. Mother’s day is a great idea in concept. It’s a day that we all show appreciation and love towards Mom for everything she puts up with and does for us the other 364 days a year. In all honestly, she probably deserves a month-long celebration.

The reason she doesn’t get a month-long celebration, however, is because it would goddamned kill Dads like me. See, I’m from the school of thought that you can take her out to a restaurant for a meal any day of the week. Unless you’re some kind of asshole, which I am, but I’m not that kind of asshole. I take care of my wife as best I can on her special day because she’s managed to put up with not only me but our four boys as well.

So, her day starts out with breakfast. Banana pancakes and bacon with blueberry syrup. Sounds simple enough but it takes a damned hour to prepare and get on the table. Then the boys and me take care of the dishes, because she shouldn’t have to fool with that shit on Mother’s Day.

From there, I began prepping dinner. Dinner consisted of Honey glazed, apple-wood smoked chicken, buffalo chicken pasta salad, corn on the cob and country apple dumplings for dessert. Now I’m not too sure if you know how to smoke chickens, but it takes a long damn time. Nearly four hours on the smoker. That left me time to get the pool opened per her request, so we can swim in it sometime this Summer.

chicken 300x180 Monday Mothers Day Hangover Holy Hell

Two perfectly smoked, honey glazed, cinnamon chipotle seasoned chickens. No, I didn't save you any.

After working from 9am until almost 8pm, I was bushed. I can’t do this shit much longer. It’s too much like a real job, which I don’t have and don’t want. Working at home lets me set my hours and work at my pace. Mother’s day was a marathon day for me, and I’m just not built for marathons. Hell, I’m not built for short walks.

In all, I love my wife dearly and would do anything for her. I just hope she doesn’t ask for this treatment again until next year, when I’ve rested up.

The Department of Redundancy Department

Ladies and Gentlemen, President Abbott and Vice President Costello.

In a not-all-so-surprising story, it has come to someone’s attention that our Government has issued a Study of a Study about Studies. No, I’m not making that up.

Yes, in 2010, the Pentagon was inundated with so many studies that it commissioned a study to determine how much it cost to produce all those studies.

The GAO (governement accounting office) has reviews the Pentagon’s study and concluded in a report that it’s a flop. A dud. A waste of time and money. In other words, business as usual on Capitol Hill.

The study of a study of studies to be studied by those who commission studies on the study of studies has been ongoing for two years and there’s no end in sight. Congress asked the GAO to look into it and then they themselves would look into what they had the GAO look into about this study of studies being studied for studious folks.

Look, I don’t expect a hell of a lot from my government, and this isn’t totally shocking in any way, but damn. Just…damn.

Thursday is apparently still a thing.

Thursday, I will hunt you down and hurt you in ways you can't even begin to imagine

A thing I hate, by the way. I’ve declared war on Thursday because, frankly, Thursday sucks. What good is it? It’s a simple reminder that you still have another day of work until you get to the weekend. That’s as bad as seeing a huge slice of cheesecake for your dessert only to find that you have to eat through a pound of brussel sprouts to get to it.

It’s just not worth it. Therefore I propose we dissolve Thursday as a day altogether. Let’s just increase the length of the other 6 days by 4 hours each and move forward with our lives. Who couldn’t use an extra 4 hours? I know I could.

Sure it would cause trouble with clocks and watches, but that’s a minor price to pay to get more time in your day and at the same time eliminate a piece of shit day from the week. It’s a win-win if you ask me. I can’t think of one good reason to keep Thursday around. It sucks.

Belly Billboard

What What? On My Gut!