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college 216x300 Breaking News:  U.S. News & World Reports Says Dont Quit Your Job!

If this article is any indication, I would suggest you ask someone else about the best colleges.

In an article I found on Yahoo! Finance, U.S. News & World Reports published an article titled “Thinking About Quitting Your Job?  Think Again”  Truly sage advice.

Let’s break down their reasons for “thinking again”, shall we?

The job market is really bad right now.

OMG you guys! Did you know? The job market is like, totally bad right now you guys! Jeeezus Christ! Did U.S. News just wake up from a 20 year coma? In other news, water is wet and bears shit in the woods.

Future employers will want to know why you left.

No shit? For reals? I never had an employer ask why I left a previous job before, this is great information. I also heard tell of indoor plumbing.

You won’t qualify for unemployment.

Well, duh. It’s not like you’re unemployed or anything, you’re just a big damn quitter who quits.

You have bills to pay.

WHA???  How did you know? Get out of my head, U.S. News!  It’s like they’re spying on me!

You won’t actually “show them” anything.

Well, you’ll show them that you’re a quitter and you’re tired of their shitty job. But yeah, unless you take all of their clients and contact lists, you won’t show them much more than your happy ass walking out the door.

You risk looking like a job hopper.

I think that depends on the job you’re leaving and the one you’re looking to move into doesn’t it? Nobody will blame you for quitting Taco Bell to get in with a law firm, even if you did just start there a few months ago while waiting to hear back from your interview.

There are frustrations at every job.

True. The grass is rarely greener in the other pasture, but at least you’re dealing with different bull shit.

Rupert Murdoch Hates Welfare Fatties

Rupert Murdoch discusses 001 Rupert Murdoch Hates Welfare Fatties

Elitist Aussies hate welfare and fat chicks.

Earlier this week, a woman, Ulanda Williams, fell through a sidewalk on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.  She survived the nearly six foot free fall with only a few scrapes and a broken arm.

Rupert Murdoch, however, took to Twitter to share his feelings on the subject:

 

Apparently Ms. Williams is a lady of substantial size and medical professionals said that’s what saved her from more serious injuries.  I’m sorry, what?  Did a doctor, with an actual degree tell this woman that because she had a fat ass, she wasn’t more seriously injured?  Oh that’s classic.

I disagree with Murdoch assuming it was Welfare that helped her gain all of her weight, but I do enjoy a good “fatty falling through things they shouldn’t” story.

How big do you have to be to break a sidewalk?  They’re like 8 inches of concrete and steel rebar.  This makes me feel good about my obesity.  I haven’t broken through the asphalt yet.

This is the headline on NFL.com as of the time I’m writing this.

gronkowski 300x218 Today in No Shit, Sherlock, the NFL Edition

Bill Belichick has gone on record stating that Rob Gronkowski is a “football player”.  Well shit.

All this time I thought he was a well-meaning, yet naive bartender at a place where everybody knows your name.  Wait, no, that was Woody Harrelson portraying Woody Boyd.

woody 211x300 Today in No Shit, Sherlock, the NFL Edition

Obviously not Rob Gronkowski

Ok, so he had to be the tough, yet understanding Principal of an inner city high school who had to oversee not only student drama, but staff and teacher drama on a weekly basis.  Shit, nope, that was Chi McBride as Steven Harper.

chimcbride Today in No Shit, Sherlock, the NFL Edition

Considering Rob Gronkowski is white, this is another dead end.

So, well son of a bitch, who is it I’m thinking of?  I know Gronkowski is employed in the Boston area, he interacts with the public in execution of his duties and he’s mostly well loved.  Ah, I’ve got it!  He’s the coach of the Boston Bruins!

Julien Claude Today in No Shit, Sherlock, the NFL Edition

White guy, at least I’m back on the right track.

Nope, that’s Claude Julien.  So, I guess through the process of elimination Rob Gronkowski is in fact, a FOOTBALL PLAYER who has been employed by the New England Patriots professional NFL football team since 2010.  He’s played the position commonly referred to as “Tight End” and only appears during offensive series for the aforementioned Patriots football team.

This leads me to believe that Bill Belichick is either a.) the smartest man in the history of the sport, or b.) a clueless dipshit who hates giving praise to his best players, regardless of the question asked or the circumstances under which he is prodded for his input.

ILovethe1880s I Hate I Love The 1880s on History Channel

The bastard spawn of VH1 and The Smoking Gun, with 50% more fetal alcohol poisoning.

Seriously.  Have you seen this steaming pile of turd?  Are you at all familiar with TruTV’s “World’s Dumbest Presented by The Smoking Gun”?  That’s a show populated with pop-culture icons such as Tonya Harding, Danny Bonaduce, Frank Stallone, a Baldwin Brother, Leif Garrett and Random Black Chick Comedian.  It’s the same thing only without hilarious footage of people getting maimed while doing stupid things.

The premise of “I Love The 1880s” is to add “a comedic and nostalgic” look back at history’s most iconic people and events through the eyes of today’s funniest comedians.  That last part is important, “TODAY’S FUNNIEST COMEDIANS”.

The show premiered last night and I almost made it through 15 minutes of the half hour program.  Almost.  When I realized the History channel’s idea of humor was not unlike a mortician’s idea of a cheap date, I had to turn the channel.  But let’s review what I did manage to see anyways.

The premier episode was called “Presidents Gone Wild”.  Ooooh snap!  Presidents done gone cray cray up in this bitch!  Actually it was kind of, how can I put this delicately?  Retarded.  It played out like a History Major’s fever induced nightmare.

The narrator would provide us with an interesting tidbit about a President.  Interesting, being an entirely subjective term and easily confused with a “who-gives-a-shit” tidbit.  After they’d use their Monty Python style animation of old cartoon cutouts of the President in question, the crack team of joke-makers would show up with witty and edgy quips.

Did you know that John Adams liked to skinny dip in the Potomac River each morning?  Well, now you do and after watching a paper doll version of John Adams execute a perfect swan dive into a charcoal rendering of the Potomac River, our comedians were quick to mention that you could “see his Star Spangled Banner bobbing in the breeze”.  Or some similarly awful patriotic pun that wasn’t truly a pun at all but a crime against humor everywhere.

It was spastic to witness, they threw facts out about our past presidents and allowed D-list celebrity impersonators to make wise ass remarks about them.  These are the type of people who you go completely out of your way to avoid in Wal Mart, lest they corner you by the adult diaper display and explain to you nine different ways to say “poop” because it’s HI-LAR-I-OUS!

Another thing that particularly irks me is that the show is called “I LOVE THE 1880s”.  And they’re just running wild through every decade and every century at random.  We heard about Washington’s false teeth, always a classic and timely reference.  We heard about Richard Nixon courting his wife.  Because, who doesn’t want to know how Satan found a bride?

They spoke of Presidents who wrestled.  And then gave us a gut-busting voice over by generic funny man #2 giving names to their surely fictitious finishing moves.  Lincoln had the “Emancipator”, Taft had the “Taftquake” and, well, I surely won’t ruin it for you.  History will be repeating this show for about 200 solid hours over the next two weeks.  You’ll have to schedule time out of your next suicide attempt to check it out for yourself.

At least you’ll have a good reason to go through with it this time.

Should you find yourself with time on your hands and a hankering for a hunka history, I suggest you avoid this show at all costs.  It’s less informative historically than an episode of Pawn Stars and it has 100% less Chumley.  Though I expect to see a guest appearance by at least one of the American Pickers and Larry the Cable Guy before this series is mercifully pulled from the rotation and buried in a crypt to be discovered in a thousand years by baffled archaeologists looking for a cure to Robot syphilis.

…crickets….

Oh it’s been quiet here at BellyBillboard for quite some time hasn’t it?  Well I have a good reason.

Life got in the way, and this is a hobby site for me.  I don’t get paid to do this, and as some of my commenters might say, GOOD YOU SUCK!  But anyways, I’ve been busy with work, and family and catastrophes of all sizes.

I’m hoping to be back here soon, with regular updates making life miserable for those of you on the internet who are unfortunate enough to discover my site.  In the meantime, hang in there baby.

rg3 vikings Monday Football Hangover   Redskins Defeat Vikings

RG3 – Washington’s Football Messiah

In a game that I thought for sure was going to be over before it even got out of the first quarter, the Washington Redskins not only held on, but they kicked it into a higher gear to put a hurting on the 4 – 1 Minnesota Vikings with a final score of 36 – 24.

I was ready to call it a game by the end of the first quarter with so many blown coverages, missed tackles and an offense that looked like it was running in mud, but thankfully I hung around to see one of the greatest performances by the modern Redskins in a long time.

I’m not naive enough to think this leads to the post season by any means, there are plenty of worries to address: (offensive line, defensive secondary, defensive line)  But there’s a reason to enjoy being a fan this year.  That reason comes in the form of a one-two punch Robert Griffin III and Alfred Morris.

Griffin doesn’t show any nerves on the field.  Whether he’s leading the game by 14 or facing a 21 point deficit, he remains poised and collected.  That’s what a true field General does.  He doesn’t sweat the details, he worries only about making the next play and getting his team closer to a win.

Alfred Morris is astounding for a rookie who was drafted basically as training camp fodder.  Coming out of the sixth round, nobody expected him to even make the team, let alone become the premier rusher this season.  He’s got a hunger and it shows in his style of play.

This is to take nothing away from the Vikings.  They are a good team who’s continually getting better.  They simply weren’t ready for RG3 to run down their throats today.  Some will argue that it’s a gimmick offense and that running quarterbacks never remain at the top of their game.  To that I would argue, how many running quarterbacks prior have been able to throw the ball with such poise and accuracy before RG3?

Certainly not Michael Vick.  Certainly not Daunte Culpepper.  And absolutely not Tim Tebow.  They were fair passers (save for Tebow), but made their money with their feet.  They weren’t reliable in the pocket.

Griffin seems to have both sides of the coin.  He can absolutely run all over the place, but his presence in the pocket cannot be underestimated.  This is a guy who can make all the throws.  He just needs better protection in the pocket and I would have to imagine that the need for him to run so often will diminish.

All told, it was a great win for the Redskins and their fans.  For a franchise so used to disappointment, beating a fairly good team in the Minnesota Vikings is going to do wonders for everyone.

griffin td While Cundiff Cundiffed, the Skins Hung On To Win

Animation courtesy of Deadspin.com

Finally.  A win to talk about.  To enjoy on Monday after the game and to make you feel good about your Redskins once again.  Even in defeat, the offense always looked promising, but the defense is particularly worrisome.

When you go back to their previous games, you also had concern over the Special Teams unit, allowing two blocked punts in two weeks.  Add to that the defensive inability to stop the opposing offensive air strikes.  But we had offense for the first time in years.

And we had a kicker who was looking to redeem himself after a botched field goal in the post season last year.  Well, he didn’t do that.  In fact, Billy Cundiff wound up whiffing on kicks of 31, 57 and 41 yards.  He managed a small modicum of redemption as the clock ran down, however, and just barely made the game winning field goal.

Sports writers on the NFL.com site are saying that making that one kick saved his job.  I can’t imagine that the team isn’t already flying in replacement kickers for tryouts as we speak.  As a kicker, you have two jobs.  Kick off and kick field goals.  That’s pretty much your deal.  You’re expected to make these plays.

Sure, some things are out of your control, but that’s literally ALL YOU HAVE TO DO!  And I’ve long said that it shouldn’t come down to the kicker to win the game anyways.  If the team was playing good ball all day, he would be there to simply kick extra points.  However, it did come down to him.  Making 2 of those earlier field goals would have negated the necessity of making a game winner in the closing seconds.

Either way, RG3 wound up with 323 yards in the air, completing 26 out of 35 attempts, and even carried the ball 7 times for 43 yards and a touchdown.  Even more amazingly, for the last drive of the game, Griffin’s head set went on the fritz and he was unable to hear the play calls from the coach.  This rookie QB had to orchestrate a come from behind, two-minute-drill drive all on his own.  And he did it masterfully.

Hail to the Redskins!

bilde 300x192 If Only We Could Blame The Referees   Redskins Shit The Bed

Pictured: How NOT to treat your franchise QB.

In their home opener, the Washington Redskins came out looking like a pre-Shanahan team.  It was an ugly first half on both sides of the ball for the Skins and it took some risky play from RG3 to get them back in the game in the second half.

From blown coverages and missed tackles to whiffing completely on routine blocking assignments, the Bengals looked like world beaters in the first half.  It was as if they could do nothing wrong.  Well, except for the interception thrown by Andy Dalton that was caught for a touchdown.  Take that away and their first half was amazing.

It’s sickening to think that a team with so much potential can play so horribly overall.  I’d really like to blame the officiating for this loss, but the fact of the matter is, they weren’t awful in this game.  Sure, they made mistakes and marked off too much yardage on penalties, but that didn’t contribute to the overall piss-poor effort put in by the Redskins.

Will Jim Haslett get to finish the season as Defensive Coordinator or will Rahemm Morris step in to try to salvage this season at some point?  Having never been a fan of the 3-4 defense, I can’t say I would miss Haslett at the helm.  Being a realist, however, it’s a severe lack of talent on that side of the ball that’s contributing to their awful performance.

No amount of coaching or scheming can simply make bad players better.  You can give them every opportunity to succeed but if they’re incapable of success, they will fail you.  And boy did they fail yesterday in Landover.

Putting RG3 out there to run around like a mad man got the Skins back in the game through the second half, but he took a pounding.  Long term, that’s a bad idea for your franchise quarterback.  It’s a desperate solution to lackluster performance by the rest of the team.

The only true bright spot in my mind from Sunday’s game was Alfred Morris continuing to prove he deserves to be the go-to guy in the backfield.

If only we could get some offensive line help.  And some defensive secondary help.  And a decent defensive coordinator.  And an owner who isn’t batshit insane and completely oblivious to the way a football team should be built.

Oh, and half-decent referees.  Other than that?  This is a championship team in the making.

fisher thug 300x200 Redskins Lose to Rams   Josh Morgan Becomes a Meme

I expected much more from such a luscious mustache. But he disappointed me.

On a day in the NFL when, until now, the officials’ greatest accomplishments in life were giving pop quizzes to 8th grade history classes in Idaho, our replacement officials shit the bed in an astounding manner.

Calling some penalties, shrugging others off, deciding to order pizza over the stadium intercom system instead of worrying about personal fouls, the NFL replacement officials certainly shoulder their share of the blame for the disaster which was Redskins vs. Rams on Sunday.

That’s not to say that the Rams were great, or that the Redskins were great.  Neither team looked dominant, but let’s be honest, the Rams were looking to draw as many personal foul penalties against the Redskins as humanly possible. I thought I was watching a high budget re-imagining of West Side Story at one point, because after every play the two teams were trying to rumble.

I think the Rams need a little anger management counseling or at the very least, a kindergarten refresher course on playing nicely with others.  Why were they starting so many confrontations throughout this game?  Did Jeff Fisher suddenly become the leader of the Crips?  I don’t get it.  I’ve never seen so much hostility between plays in my life.

I’m willing to bet there would be less posturing between two male Peacocks competing over the same female.  This was sickening to watch on a professional football field and the Rams should be ashamed by their behavior.  I’m all for pride and excitement, but chest bumping your opponents while talking trash to them the whole day, and needing to be separated almost constantly?  Did the Redskins dishonor your wife or something?  What kind of silly shit is this?

And let’s not forget the officials.  They truly shit the bed for both teams today.  Fumbles that weren’t fumbles, but actually were fumbles, touchdowns that happened but didn’t happen, though they should have happened on review but hell, who cares because we’re only here for a short time while the NFL tries to avoid paying their qualified officials to be here.

It gross to watch the NFL with all of the officiating mistakes being made from these replacement officials and even the NFL reps in the booth.  It’s as if they just said “f*ck it, if Roger Goodell ain’t care, we ain’t care either”.

And then, when the Redskins had a chance to come back and tie the game late, on a pass to Joshua Morgan that could have set up a game tying field goal attempt by Billy Cundiff….Josh Morgan went straight up crazy.

Chucking the ball at the defender in retaliation for a cheap shot cost the team 15 yards and forced the kicker to try a near impossible 62 yard field goal.  And it failed.  And Morgan instantly became an internet Meme.  And I do mean INSTANTLY.  Look here:

morganinghindenburg 300x210 Redskins Lose to Rams   Josh Morgan Becomes a Meme

#morganing is the new #griffining is the new #laroning is the new #tebowing

This was on the internet almost immediately following the incident.  I don’t blame Morgan for being pissed off.  The way the Rams were instigating fights and arguments all day, it was bound to get to someone.  But damn, you’re a professional and you just screwed your team.

So, MEME away people.  He played bad and he should feel bad:

morganingtitanic 300x210 Redskins Lose to Rams   Josh Morgan Becomes a Meme

Seriously, someone work up a Zoidberg Meme with this and send it my way.

 

So yes, the Redskins lost, RG3 threw his first interception, the Rams played like a punch of parolees high on angel dust and the NFL officials sucked ass.  Another glorious weekend in the life of a Redskins fan.

joe flacco.jpg 10983 202x300 Ravens Joe Flacco Believes Hes An Elite QB, Is Also A Dumbass

Never in the history of the NFL has there been a more elite, more powerful, more competent uni-brow.

Beleaguered starting quarterback and future used car salesman Joe Flacco believes that he is an elite quarterback.  He’s the only person on the face of the earth, aside from maybe his mother, who believes this to be the case.

Somewhere along the line, Joe Flacco confused the term “elite” with “kinda ok”. And I don’t hold him completely at fault on this one.  Hell, if I was the starting quarterback for an NFL franchise, I’d like to believe that I was elite too.  I mean, it’s not like they just let ANYONE have that position, you have to bring something special, something extra, to the table.

What something “special” does Flacco bring to the table in Baltimore?  Immeasureables like lushness of the unibrow.  He leads the league in delusional arguments with the media.  He’s a world-class whiny bitch and above all that he’s the shiniest of three turds at the quarterback position on the Ravens roster.

That’s got to count for something, right?  But maybe, just maybe, there’s something behind all this smoke he’s blowing.  Let’s look at a quote from a prominent NFL quarterback who was discussing Joe Flacco earlier this year:

Without a doubt. What do you expect me to say?” he queried. “I assume everybody thinks they’re a top-five quarterback. I mean, I think I’m the best. I don’t think I’m top-five, I think I’m the best. I don’t think I’d be very successful at my job if I didn’t feel that way. I mean, c’mon? That’s not really too tough of a question. But that doesn’t mean that things are gonna work out that way. It just means that that’s the way it is, that’s the way I feel it is, and that’s the way I feel it should be.

Of course, the quarterback I just quoted is Joe Flacco.  That shouldn’t color your opinion of his bestestness in the world claims though!  This is a direct quote from a starting NFL Quarterback.  And if anyone knows anything about the quarterback position, it’s probably not Joe Flacco.

Look, I believe in positive thinking and daily affirmations, they’re useful tools to build your self-esteem and your confidence.  They make you feel good about yourself and everyone should be allowed to feel good about themselves.

Where I draw the line is when your delusions spill out into the open.  I don’t believe in the Boogey Man anymore than I believe that Joe Flacco is a “top 5″ quarterback.  I don’t believe that giant space dildoes will invade the earth, and my only protection is a can of Raid Ant & Roach spray and a hat made from a Taco Bell five-dollar box, anymore than I believe Joe Flacco will ever be considered an elite quarterback.

On the other hand, if this football thing comes to an end, he’s got a great future in going the Tony Robbins route and teaching people to believe in themselves even when there are mountains of evidence that prove you should never believe in yourself.  He could call it “Joe Flacco’s An Idiot and You Can Too!”

No matter how many times you say “I’m a dragon-slaying, teleporting, magical garden gnome” it’s not going to come true, and you’re not going to convince anyone else that it’s true either.