And you know what that means…
But I will pop in this weekend to finally post the winners of the Add A Logo Contest. It’s been a bad week for the Gutmeister, but I’m working to get someone their prize! Hang tight.
So ok, I admit it, I read Dear Abby. But not because I’m secretly longing for some overpaid, anonymous stranger behind a fictitious pen name to help me right the wrongs in my life. Not at all. I read it because it’s usually some of the most entertaining stuff you can find for free.
I’m going to dress up some of her stuff, and give some real advice that people can truly benefit from. I give you the first edition of Dear Gutmeister.
Here’s the first installment. A man in Midland Texas writes to Abby about a sleeping arrangement conundrum he’s facing:
DEAR ABBY: I recently bought a small travel trailer that I use for weekend fishing trips. My dog, “Goldie,” accompanies me on these short trips and sleeps with me on the only bed in the trailer.
My wife, “Shirley,” is now expecting to go on some of my fishing trips with Goldie and me. The problem is, Goldie is used to sleeping with me, and I believe she should have first dibs on the bed since she was there first.
When I informed Shirley that she’d be sleeping in the back of the truck, she came unglued. Now, Shirley and I are hardly speaking. Goldie is a young Lab pup who is my very best friend, constant companion and never nags. I think my wife is being selfish and inconsiderate, but I’d like your opinion. Am I out of line here? — GOIN’ FISHIN’ IN MIDLAND, TEXAS
Well, sure. Here’s a guy who bought a small travel trailer to go fishing with, presumably to get away from his pain in the ass, farting in her sleep wife. His dog loves him, never nags him to fix the sink or clean the garage, just an all around good companion who doesn’t judge. So what did Abby have to say?
DEAR GOIN’ FISHIN’: If you’re expecting sympathy from me, you’re barking up the wrong tree. You are not only out of line, but it appears you’re also in the doghouse. A real Texas gentleman would let Shirley and Goldie share the bed while he slept in the truck, and that’s what I’m urging you to do.
Soooo, Abby thinks that not only should he allow his wife to sleep in the bed, but he should also let the dog have his spot and he can sleep in the truck all by himself. WTF? This is HIS trailer, HIS dog and HIS bed. I can all but guarantee that when he bought the trailer his wife gave him constant loads of shit for it. ”Why the hell did you buy that thing? We need new drapes in the living room and a Roomba, but no, Mr. I Want Some Me Time gets a damned trailer? Well you can just take your smelly ass dog and live in that thing, I’m never stepping foot in it!!!”
Now, this poor guy has the guilt trip going, and he’s living in his camper with his dog. All of a sudden, the nagging wife realizes he’s finally happy for the first time in their three decades of marriage and has to shit all over his Twinkie the only way she knows how.
And what about the dog’s feelings? Maybe Goldie hates this bitch. Why should she have to share the bed with the old crow?
Abby, you swung and missed. Best advice? This guy should change his name to Salvadore Sanchez, load his dog into his truck with the camper on the back, and head for the hills. Never returning, and let that old goat of a wife rot in her misery.
Got a problem you need help with? Write to Dear Gutmeister and if I’m not too busy drinking cheap beer, I’ll see what I can do to straighten out your life.
Yeah, I want my career advice from people who live in unrealistic, utopian worlds of instant gratification, endless piles of cash and fantasy on par with the best minds at Pixar. Really? This is a real article from Shine on Yahoo! And while it touts such juicy tidbits from stars such as Tina Fey who says “So, my unsolicited advice to women in the workplace is this. When faced with sexism, or ageism, or lookism, or even really aggressive Buddhism, ask yourself the following question: ‘Is this person in between me and what I want to do?’ If the answer is no, ignore it and move on.” She doesn’t bother telling you what to do if the answer is yes.
And then you have this nugget from Mogul Oprah Winfrey “When you’re doing the work you’re meant to do, it feels right and every day is a bonus, regardless of what you’re getting paid” And what if you’re working for minimum wage at McDonalds because you don’t have access to hundreds of billions of advertising revenues? Suck it up?
Oh, the arrogance and the shallowness of this advice is beautiful. You can just feel how out of touch with reality any of these “celebs” truly are. It’d be like getting engineering advice from Wile E. Coyote, or asking Donald Duck to record the audio version of War and Peace.
Rachel Ray advises to “take advantage of opportunities whether they’re going to make you alot of money or not.” Working the street corner for $20/per blow job is an opportunity, but personally I wouldn’t recommend it as a career move.
At least we have human mannequin Joan Rivers to shed a little realism onto this sham of journalism, she says “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made”. Bravo Joan, you’re still being a conceited bitch, but you’re not hiding it behind false altruism.
Suze Orman, christ her name even reeks of self-importance, says: “You have to ask for what you deserve, and not feel guilty about it. Do not put yourself on sale”. That’s right Suze…don’t put yourself on sale. Here’s a link to her books you can buy on Amazon: Suze Orman on Amazon (569 results)
Paris Hilton is a celeb? Holy shit. “The only rule is don’t be boring and dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in.” That’s right ladies. remember all those Women’s Rights protesters who came before you? This is EXACTLY what they had in mind. Dress cute.
Barbara Walters, yeah I was shocked to hear she’s still alive too, had this to offer: “Success can make you go one of two ways. It can make you a prima donna, or it can smooth the edges, take away the insecurities, let the nice things come out.” Now, show me one celebutard that chose option B.
I can’t go on quoting everyone, there’s like 20 people in this article and I’ve got beer to drink, but I will leave you the best advice from the most level-headed “celeb” they could find, Lady Gaga. ““Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.” That’s right, compare your dreams to your drunken mistakes, that’s a surefire way to supercharge your career ladies. From a woman who wore meat to an awards show. Of course, if you were interviewing for a position at the slaughterhouse, this might just be a good move to imitate.
As a bonus, since they couldn’t find a 20th woman, they used RuPaul at #19. That’s awesome.
From Sunday’s games, the best news (unless you’re a Vick/Eagles fan) is that Michael Vick’s right hand is broken. The Giants are good for something after all. Poor Vick, that’s his dog beatin’ hand too.
In other news that makes the nation happy, the Patriots managed to blow a three touchdown lead to the Buffalo Bills. The BILLS? REALLY? Ahahahahaha. All is not well in Brady-land. I hope Albert Haynesworth is the reason they lost, I really do. All the sad little Patriot fans at Buffalo Wild Wings slunk out of there as the game expired, trying to go unnoticed. I noticed. They hate me.
Finally, Peyton Manning’s still out with neck rehab. It was really just a matter of time until this happened. With his Ginormous noggin, you had to know that skinny little neck was going to give out sooner or later.
You see it everywhere you go online these days. Writers trying to sound much more intelligent than they’re physically capable of being. They use big words that cause you to run a second browser with Dictionary.com pulled up just so you can follow along.
I’m talking more about the guys who write about Comic Book movies more than anyone. When they speak of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, they can’t just say the “character” or “the turtle”, they have to trot out this abomination: Anthropomorphic. Why? We all know they’re fake to begin with. That’s what makes them comic book characters. Yes, they’re animals that display human traits, got it. Thanks for making me stumble over your writing as you stroke your ego (and god knows what else) while you hit the spell check button ten times to insure you didn’t misspell the word.
Then there’s the ever popular folks who want to really sound important when they’re talking about a serious issue. When they disagree with a viewpoint, they spell theirs out beginning with “Irregardless”. Um, yeah. That’s not a word, whatsoever. (whatsoever, is actually a word) See how this works?
Now we come down to the best of the best of the best. Those who are from the USA, were born in the USA, grew up in the USA and have never left the USA, who insist on spelling words the “British” way. Colour. Theatre. Rumour. WTF is wrong with you? That extra “u” or the transposition of the “er” doesn’t make you come off as more sophisticated, worldly or intelligent. It truly only serves to point out that you’re one huge douche.
There are so many more examples of people pretending to be smart that it boggles the mind. The best part for me, however, is that these same “educated few” manage to fuck up the use of “lose” and “loose”. You can’t loose a contest. You can definitely lose it, but you will never “loose” it.
So please, I am allowed to have this site on the internet, and therefore so is everyone else who wants to have one. It’s a free country, (USA) and it’s a large, sprawling world. I’m not asking you to stay away. I’m merely asking you to quit acting like an asshole.
Irregardless of my request, you’re going to get your Anthropomorphic ass all in a knot and start rumours about my preference of the colour blue versus the colour red when I’m viewing the cinematic spectacle in 3D at the theatre. I just want to know who you think you’re impressing? I don’t care. I’m sitting here in my t-shirt, drinking Miller Lite and looking at up-skirt photos of celebrities on TMZ. I really don’t come to the internet for high culture. Neither do most ANY user of this technology.
Ugh. It’s Friday. I’m gonna drink.
In an article from Time Healthland, they get to the bottom of an age old health concern…Is Sperm From Redheads Really Less Desirable?
Let that marinate on your brain for another minute, Is Sperm From Redheads Really Less Desirable? I don’t know about you, but personally, this very concern has kept me awake at night for years. Thank Jeebus for author Bonnie Rochman. This is a question that NEEDS to be answered. Why aren’t they discussing this in the GOP debates? What are they really trying to hide from the public at large? Screw the economy, and that silly little war thing we have going on, the important shit is right here: IS SPERM FROM REDHEADS REALLY LESS DESIRABLE?? Well you bastards? Is it? IS IT???
I can remember when I was a young man, and growing up with my grandparents, they had some old-timey sayings that they passed out like universal truths. Things like, “Don’t ever look straight up at a bird. If you put the cart before the horse, he’ll never drink bourbon. Don’t take sperm from a ginger.” So this has been a long standing prejudice against our fair skinned brethren for at least a century. Well, Bonnie here is getting right to the heart of the matter. She’s making a bold stand and she’s shattering every spunk myth you ever heard in her groundbreaking article. For example,
For the record, it’s nothing personal against redheads.
See? Now, put that in your pipe and sit on it, you bigoted bunch of spermists! I agree wholeheartedly with Bonnie, it’s nothing personal, not at all. It’s EVERYTHING personal! And the ginger community won’t stand for this bias any more! I can see it now, hoardes of red-headed men and their sympathizers take to the streets (with plenty of SPF55) and march on Washington. Their rallying cry can be heard all across our nation’s capital, “This is junk! Respect our spunk!” The signs, oh the glorious protest signs, these will be fantastic. ”Our Jizz has feelings too!” ”Don’t be a hater to what comes from our taters!” ”Smegma Equality Now!”
Yes, thank you Bonnie, for your bravery in fighting the good fight for baby batter betterment. I’m sure that as soon as the sun goes down, the pasty white throngs of carrot topped men will come out and thank you. When you win this war on White Honey, I’ll even throw a Congratulatory message on my gut for ya! You’ll still pay the $5 but how great will it be?
Oh wait, I just actually read the article. This is about a cryogenics lab freezing sperm donations for people wanting designer babies. Apparently, not even gingers want ginger kids, so they’re not keeping any ginger juice on tap. Well, that I can endorse. Screw it.
It appears that Starbucks, makers of horrible imitation coffee like drinks, is having a celebration. To commemorate their 40th anniversary, they’ve commissioned a designer to create an $85 TEE SHIRT! That’s right, this tee shirt already looks to be stained with coffee spills and if you want to celebrate the coffeenerdness that is Starbucks, you only have to pony up $85.
This is somehow high fashion. Spilling shit on a shirt you’re about to sell someone else takes an art and design degree. That spaghetti sauce you dribbled down your Izod? Pfffft. Big deal, there’s no substance to that, no meaning, just random dumb luck. If you had any REAL talent, you’d figure out how to make that stain on purpose. Amateur.
I’ve got a great idea for MY Birthday this year. I’m going to create skid-marked underwear that you can purchase for just $110/pair. No two skidmarks will be the same, you’ll be the life of the party when you show up in another dude’s filthy clothes.
Friday was the last day for submissions to the contest drawing to win a $25 Gift Card. Not too many of you took that chance, but those that did entered some great stuff. Give me a day or so to compile everything and I’ll post all the entries and the winner!
Thanks to everyone who participated!