Full Metal Testicles Jousting Mathis vs. Nodar

For one glorious hour last night, I was treated to some of the most balls-out brutality that can legally transpire on your television set.  Full Metal Jousting was back for round two and once again, they didn’t disappoint.  I have to say, it’s not as action packed as some other sports, but what it lacks in overall action, it more than makes up for in pure, unfiltered carnage.  These guys must have a second set of testicles, there’s no way in hell you could participate in jousting with just the standard single pair of balls.

So, last night, we were treated to a bit more training footage in where the competitors were shown techniques and given a chance to sort of hone their skills a bit.  With the Red team suffering the first loss of the series last week, they were out there to try to even the odds and insure that their first loss was their last loss.  We get a chance to see more of the jousters interacting, and getting to work together as a team.  Ultimately that team stuff will have to go out the window as they approach the finals to decide the overall champion of the event and to see who walks away with a cool $100,000.

Since the Black team won last week, they got to pick their Red team opponent.  The Black team selected Jake Nodar, a horse trainer by trade, and widely assumed to be the weakest link on the Red team.  Since we’re not privy to all of the training footage between events, we as an audience simply have to take their word for it.  The jouster for the Black team would be Jack Mathis, a Theatrical Jouster.  I would have to imagine, that as a theatrical jouster you have a leg up on your competition because you are at the very least comfortable on a horse, wielding that lance and hitting targets on a daily basis.

Now that the competition is set, the teams set out to train their guys for victory.  And for Jack, it’s looking pretty good.  He’s got the skills, the determination and the drive to win.  Obviously there’s some things to work on, but they seem to be minor and if you had to put money on the early favorite, it was going to be Jack.  At one point, however, during his training, he takes a wicked hit to the head and winds up breaking a tooth.  After the doctor checks him out, he’s cleared to continue.

We’re next treated to Jake’s training.  Even his coach mentions how he’s just not skilled at the event, but then, how many people are really?  So they work with him on his lance technique, and for the majority of the training he’s missing everything.  Just looking bad…until he doesn’t.  He starts making strikes, getting his timing down and looking like he belongs there.

After the training segments, we see the guys back in their own team headquarters, and Jake decides to go talk some trash to the Black team.  It’s friendly enough, at least as friendly as trash talk can be.  He calls Jack out and says that he’s got a target on his shoulder.  To this, the black team makes fun of him saying he messed the phrase up, that it should be “Target on your back, or a chip on your shoulder”.  This is where I have to disagree.  The target in jousting, is in fact, on your shoulder.  Before you go calling someone stupid….yada yada.

And finally…FINALLY we get to the match.  The jousters suit up, mount up and take to the “sandbox” as they’ve come to refer to it.  And it’s on like Donkey Kong.

Pass 1:

Red makes solid contact and unhorses the Black Knight.  The Black Knight doesn’t score a strike.  He is immediately checked out by a doctor to insure he can continue the competition.  As an aside, apparently the rules state that the minute the doctor walks away you have two minutes to get back in your armor and on your horse or you risk disqualification.  Jack makes it back in time, and gets ready for another round.

Score:  Red: 10  Black 0

Pass 2:

Contact is made by both competitors but neither strikes the Grand Guard on the shoulder.  Therefore, no points are awarded.

Score remains  Red: 10  Black 0

Pass 3:  

Another zero point round.  Both guys are struggling to find their targets.  You almost can’t blame Jack, he’s probably still a bit rattled from that early knock-down.  And Jake, well, he’s still green.

Score remains:  Red 10  Black 0

Pass 4:

With frustration setting in for Jack, he gets a bit careless.  He makes contact for a score, but overextends himself to the point that he manages to unhorse himself.  Sloppy riding is to blame.  Since Red didn’t make contact, no points are awarded for the take down.

Score is now:  Red 10  Black 1

The doctor does step in to check on a visibly upset Jack, and after he leaves the race is on to get him back on his horse within the two minute time window.  Luckily, they manage to get him back on in time.

Pass 5:

The first 4 passes see the Knights using lances that are 1 1/4″ in diameter.  For the last 4 rounds, the lances are 1 1/2″ in diameter.  This adds rigidity and weight to the weapon.  And our fifth pass sees a double miss.  Both sides attribute that to the change in weight of the lance.

Score remains:  Red 10  Black 1

Pass 6:

Red scores a strike, and Black actually breaks a lance, but in doing so, misses the grand guard, so he receives no points for his efforts.

Score is now:  Red 11  Black 1

Pass 7:

Another double miss.  I can only imagine the stress leads to sloppy targeting.  That’s not a knock on the competitors, they’re doing something I don’t have enough balls to do.  Just my thoughts.

Score remains:  Red 11  Black 1

Pass 8:

With the final pass coming up, Black is still in a position to at least tie it up.  They haven’t mentioned what sort of tie breaker system they employ in the event it happens, but he’s got the chance.  If Jack can unhorse Jake on this pass, he will tie.

And they’re off, Black misses and Red strikes but not on the grand guard.  In doing so, Red loses his lance completely.  At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter because Jake Nodar for the Red team has prevailed.

Final Score:  Red 11 – Black 1

This brings the series to a tie, with one win each for the teams.  A great show, a ballsy effort and I sincerely hope they bring this back on a very regular basis after this season.  Check it out if you haven’t already.  History Channel, Sundays @ 10pm