Men are good at this, fixing cars, mowing lawns and scratching balls. Not necessarily in that order though.
It’s a fact. Men are happier overall than women, and it’s because everything is just simply better for us. I’m not being sexist, and I’m certainly not trying to upset any fringe groups of militant cashiers on the internet, but the simple truth of the matter is that men on the whole have it better than women.
Now I’m sure I’m going to get blasted by some feminist fruitcake who wants to let me know that they, in fact, can do many of the things I’m about to say they can’t below. To that handful of insecure and lonely women, all I can offer is “So what?”
My goal here isn’t to be specific to every person on the planet, that would be impossible and I’d have to figure out which category to put Rosie O’donnel in. Honestly that’s not fair to anyone, and I believe she opens jars with her ass and some udder butter. But now I’m getting off track and I’d just as soon get into this article about 10 Reasons Men Have it Better than Women.
1. Our last name stays put. Unless you’re one of those sissy-men who takes his wife’s last name or hyphenates his name to show equality or some other such drivel, the man’s name never changes when he gets married. Of course, if he’s marrying two or more women in different states, then maybe his name does change, but that’s purely by chance, and not at all necessary to the ceremony.
2. Speaking of weddings, the plans for a wedding just magically take care of themselves. Sure, you might have to help pick out a china pattern or agree on the buffet menu, but otherwise those things are simple. I don’t understand why women have such a stressful time with these things. Mine was a breeze. I rented a tux, showed up at the church, went to the Moose Lodge afterwards and we partied. Easy as pie. Plus, it’s cheaper for us. Tux Rental – $350, Wedding Dress – $5,000
3. We can open all of our own jars. Again, this only applies if you’re not a sissified, pseudo-man who hyphenates his name and waxes his groin.
4. People never stare at our breasts when we’re talking to them. And if they do, they’re doing it because of our massively impressive pectoral muscles that make us oh-so-macho and tough looking. Never because they want to get us out of our clothes and motorboat us.
5. Our underwear is about $7.50 for a three pack. There’s limited options: Briefs, boxers, boxer-briefs. (If you said bikini cut, you may as well go ahead and hyphenate your last name and let me open that jar for you, Nancy)
6. Our hairstyle remains in fashion for years, if not decades.
7. Wrinkles simply add character, and grey hair is a distinguishing characteristic. Women simply get old and grey.
8. We can go on a 5 day vacation and have more than enough clothing in a single suitcase.
9. Same work, more pay.
10. We can get Christmas shopping done for two-dozen relatives on December 24th in just under an hour.
In conclusion, all I can say is that it’s great to be a man. We don’t have the problems that women do and we’re not expected to be anything more than what we are. Belching, farting, scratching, hairy, smelly, lazy lumps of humanity, and it’s not only acceptable, it’s quite often expected of us.