Ok, 50 Shades of Grey is a very real, very disturbing thing. I mean, it’s fine for women to be into whatever. But this is a manual for getting the shit kicked out of you. And I’m not on board with that.
To that end, I’ve penned a Dr. Seuss-style version of the novel (having never read it, I had to rely on reviews elsewhere for my info). I hope you enjoy it. I think it’s sweet and melodic and something you can read to your kids at bed time. Without further ado, I present to you:
50 Shades of Dr. Seuss
Anastasia went to college,
To college, She went.
To become a great journalist,
On success, was she bent.
She interviewed a man, Christian he was
Successful and wealthy and enjoyed a good buzz.
She wanted rough sex, you know S&M
But she didn’t quite know just how to ask him.
They had all their meetings real late at night,
For Christian was busy and a little uptght.
Anastasia dressed just like a slut,
And he couldn’t take his eyes off her lumpy little butt.
They met off and on many nights, maybe four
Till one day they could take it no more.
Christian chained her to the wall, let out a loud roar
And called her a dirty, filthy worthless, skankiferous whore.
He starts to push his body against her,
She gets to feel his rapidly swelling member.
He presses something into her gut
Is that a log , an elbow or his you-know-whatt?
She’s into bondage and spanking lots too
Christian is game, he’s never been a prude.
If she wants to get beat up? Then he won’t be rude.
A whooping she’ll get, I’m a generous dude!
They break out these toys of all shapes and all sizes
All colors, materials and she’s full of surprises.
They try them all and come to a halt
“Are you ready to try a Peruvian Somersalt?”
“A Peruvian what? Are you speaking in tongues?”
“I have no idea what the hell you want done!”
She pushes him to the floor, and spreads his legs out.
“Just wait for me here, I need a Roomba and a trout.”
With whips and with chains and with gobbleygook
They had sex, they made love in every cranny, every nook
The prodding and poking and stroking and moaning,
Left them both out of breath, except for some groaning.
When they were both spent,
She sat on his lap
“Ready to get after it again?”
And she gave his ball-bag a slap.
Winded and tired and full of self pity
Christian rose to the challenge, not one to just quitty.
He rolled her on over and straddled her pretty,
Then he hooked up the jumper cables to her left titty.
In a puddle of things more disgusting than not,
They rolled around in smegma, ball sweat and some snot.
He grabbed a shoehorn, a kerfluffle, a Krups
Then shoved them in her ass, while she yapped like a pup.
He drew back a fist, wrapped tight in his shirt
Leaving no marks, but making damn sure it hurt.
She howled with a scream and a seductive sweet smile
He hadn’t quite noticed, she was about to get wild.
Thrown to his back, on the floor with a splat
She squatted above him and on his chest, she just shat.
Using pointed high heels to puncture his sac
That’s when she reached for the car’s tire jack.
Christian was kinky, of that he was sure
But a hydraulic jack? What could that be used for?
He didn’t wonder long, she went right to work
With a slam and a bang, up his ass it did jerk.
With his ball bag on fire and his anus impacted
He screamed like a girl. How would YOU have reacted?
She giggled and smiled and laughed at his pain
“Sit back down you little bitch, I’m gonna make it rain!”
And rain it sure did, even though he was flaccid
The burning got started with some battery acid.
His nipples were gone and his pubic hair too
“Ready for more?, there’s three rounds not two!”
Crying and begging for this freak just to stop
She knocked out his teeth with a dirty old mop.
A broom in the room, was just within reach
A lesson to his scrotum, Mr. Clean did just teach.
Whackity Smack. Smackity Whack.
A beating, a clubbing an awful ker-shmack!
Smackity Whack! Whackity Smack!
“That bitch lost her mind, she just broke my back!”
Rough sex is a game, for others a horror.
But Soccer Moms, well, they all just to adore it.
Read 50 shades, and see what you think.
But I’m willing to bet, your Mom’s into kink.