Dear Sad Guy With The Presumably Undersized Penis:
This past Sunday while I was waiting in line behind you at Walgreens, I couldn’t help but notice you were purchasing an incredibly large amount of Enzyte. The reason I couldn’t help but notice was due to the cashier waving it around like it was on fire and she was trying to put it out. I feel sorry for you bro.
Look, I admire your courage in purchasing dick-lengthening pills in public, in South Carolina at a Walgreens from a curmudgeonly old cashier who must have had some thoughts as to what size baby batter cannon you were packing. I know I had some thoughts.
First and foremost, I want to point out that I do not think less of you in any way. It’s kind of like a good 12 step program. The first step is to recognize you have a problem, and you apparently recognized your problem as being hung like a mosquito. Bravo. Now that you have identified your problem, you took straight to step two in that you were seeking help for your affliction, as it were.
Let me let you in on a little secret. I’m by no means a lady killer. I had to bribe my wife with a mini van and dinner at Appleby’s twice a month in order to get her to agree to marry me, so I know what it’s like to have to take drastic measures to find a woman to spend your life with. I’m with you bro.
But here’s the secret. Try cleaning up a little bit once in a while. It looked like you just came back from Bosley Hair Restoration after making your weekly donation to the cause. You were one hairy damn dude. That unibrow, while rockin’, probably isn’t going to attract too many of the opposite sex. Unless, of course, you luck into finding a girl that gets all gooey over Sasquatch videos.
Second, and this is important, your khaki jort-style shorts have to go. They’re way out of style, and the greasy palm prints on the pockets weren’t helping your cause either. They’re fine if you’re hanging around the computer, jerking it to the internet, but not for going out in public to buy dick medicine. I’m sorry, that was insensitive, you may not be packing enough pickle to jerk it. So, I guess you’d be rubbing it? Flicking it? I don’t know, however you manage to masturbate with a tiny pecker. Seriously, don’t tweezers chafe that poor little thing?
Finally, bathe. BATHE. That involves getting into the shower, turning on the water and standing under it while you wash with soap and in your case probably Lysol disinfectant. I mean, geez. Even French people cover that stink up with shitty cologne. Make an effort guy.
With all you have going against you, a small pud is probably the least of your concerns. First you have to find another human being who’s willing to be naked in your presence and might consider letting you touch her. Or him, I’m not here to judge.
Take care of that hygiene thing, and then worry about your tic-tac sized dong. And besides, they’ve proven that Enzyte doesn’t actually work. If it did, they wouldn’t be able to keep it in stock. Women would be fleeing the country in droves, trying to avoid the 50 foot cock-monsters that were chasing them around town.