Friends, something happened to me over the weekend. Something that’s never really happened before and I don’t know quite what to make of it. On January 26th, I published a little article entitled “The Grocery Store Cashier Friggin’ Hates Me” In this article, I wrote about my experiences shopping at the local grocery store, and giving the cashier some well deserved grief while purchasing my rations for the week.
Apparently, the article was picked up and shared on a Tumblr Blog called “Cashiers Are People Too” First off, we know that’s a farce. They’re cashiers. They’re not really people. I kid, I kid, after what happened to me I don’t want to incur their wrath once again. Anyways, I wrote the article in what I assumed everyone else who read it would realize was a fictionalized tale of my trials and tribulations while making a trip to the store. As I am wont to do, I embellished a few things, exaggerated a few others and flat made most of them up as I went along. I’m a pathological liar, is what I’m saying.
It would seem, however, that there is a contingent of workers among us that are working retail jobs, many as cashiers who took personal offense to my little story. They got their proverbial taints chapped. It would seem to me that when someone becomes a cashier, the companies they work for make it mandatory that they have their sense of humor and sarcasm removed. It’s a wonderful thing. I got 6 comments thanks to that article. And none of them were really very positive. I love it. Let me share them with you now:
Comment 1: From “Anon” - I’m going to go ahead and assume you’ve never worked a retail job before because if you did, you wouldn’t be such a generally awful person.
My rebuttal: Actually, I’ve worked many retail jobs from the time I was age 15, and I am 37 now. I’ve worked in 4 different grocery stores, one home improvement center, a toy store, and once installed cable for a living. That’s worse than retail, you get to deal with the same assholes, but you also get to perform real manual labor while you’re doing it. In fact, I’ve installed cable for a cashier and she was a total whack job, grade A, certifiably insane shit head.
Comment 2: From Msmidori7 - Wow. You’re the reason she hates her job, you know that? It isn’t the job that sucks. It’s the customers that come into the store with ^ attitude.
My rebuttal: I didn’t know that, she had every opportunity to tell me while I was there, but she didn’t. The job sucks, if you don’t think working as a cashier sucks, you’re most likely brain dead.
Comment 3: From Teastraights - Now, just a hunch, but I think the reason she (and by association most other cashiers) hates you is that you are an arrogant and inconsiderate ass of royal proportions. Just saying.
My rebuttal: I’m absolutely an arrogant and inconsiderate ass. Just ask all the charities I donate to, organizations I help out and youth sports teams I’ve assisted over the years. Just saying.
Comment 4: From Anonymous - you’re a complete asshole. simple as that.
My rebuttal: Nothing about me is that simple. I’m more than a complete asshole.
Comment 5: From Anon (this person gets worked up into multiple comments) What a weirdo. Who cares enough when they scan their card to get into a fight with the manager? And you do realize they probably have to scan all the heavy stuff themselves, right? It might be against store policy to let you do it. Some people just need a reason to get their panties in a bunch in the checkout lane.
My Rebuttal: Your Mom likes it when I get her panties in a bunch.
Comment 6: viva la momo! - You apparently don’t get laid.
My Rebuttal: I don’t even…huh? I have to wonder how a mind like this works to infer from my article that I don’t have sexual relations. Teenagers are such strange, excitable little creatures.
But the absolute coup de grace was from the operator of the Tumblr blog him/herself…on the site, under the article they re-blogged, they replied to me with:
One. Oh wow! You’re shopping for five people! Oh my goodness. Don’t you deserve a medal.Two, You’re not funny bro. Your rant about “manly” stuff was stupid and childish. My boyfriend says stuff like that. He is 19 you’re what? 30-40? Three. It’s our job to do everything. We have to basically treat you like you’re a helpless child, we have to scan and drag your 30 lbs of crap. If we don’t we get into trouble. Four. We have to ask you for your card. It makes it EASIER in the beginning so we don’t have to print out the whole damn receipt to make sure your damn tomatoes rung up correctly. If seeing the price drop makes you happy then look at the bottom of your receipt you will see how much you saved. Five. You’re the reason why cashiers hate their jobs. Please stop being a jerk to the poor cashier. She has a life, she has feelings. Treat her as such. We deal with crap and having to deal with asshats like yourself isn’t much fun.
To which I can only imagine this person lives to cashier, cashiering is life! Cashier life-yo! Holy shit! I am in complete and total AWE of your insane cashiering prowess. I am truly humbled by your words and will forever work to change my ways so as not to infuriate Cashier-Jesus.
In conclusion, I am now going to make it my mission in life to include at least one derogatory article towards cashiers and retail workers every week here at Belly Billboard. If I get this much interest over something so obviously made up, I might just be able to retire early. Cashiers are boneheaded, insecure, life-hating troglodytes. Keep the dream alive! Maybe you can become “HEAD CASHIER” one day.