It’s time once again for the most famous of advice columns on the intertoilets. Dear Gutmeister. With me, Gutmeister. I’ll be taking one of Dear Abby’s recent letters, pointing out her flaws, and giving the right advice. You know, I don’t get paid to go behind Abby, cleaning up her messes and I don’t mind. I think of it as my gift to the community.
Somebody has to be willing to step in and right these wrongs. If you follow enough of Abby’s advice, you’re very likely going to wind up sitting alone in your own filth, with your lamp and toilet seat acting as your audience as you put on a one-person show for them. I imagine that show would be Cats!, but I’m just guessing. It could very well be Phantom of the Kwik-Stop.
So who’s up this week? Why it’s “Already Blessed in Iowa”. So what life shattering event has led our new friend, Already Blessed to reach out to the guru of great advice this time around? Nothing really, it’s actually pretty stupid. Maybe Already Blessed is completely alone other than her 15 cats. Let’s find out what’s going to happen.
From Already Blessed in Iowa:
DEAR ABBY: I sneeze a lot at work. I don’t know if it’s the dust or what. When I do, someone always says “bless you” afterward. I don’t care to be blessed, but I think people would be insulted if I told them it isn’t necessary. Should I tell them not to? — ALREADY BLESSED IN IOWA
Hmm. I think I see the problem. Living with 15 cats has completely screwed up your body’s chemistry and any time you’re around fresh air that doesn’t reek of cat urine, your sinuses are having a hard time adjusting to it. The rest of the office calls it “air”.
But, I digress. Let’s see what Abs has to say:
DEAR ALREADY BLESSED: If you prefer that nobody say “bless you,” you should say so. But do it before your next sneezing attack so your co-workers will be forewarned. I’m sure they’ll abide by your wishes — unless they just say it out of habit. And then it’s a knee-jerk reaction, not a blessing.
Hmmm. HMMMM. So the problem here is that this woman doesn’t like people being polite and saying “Bless You” when she sneezes out her contagious cat dander all over the place. I’m sure that would get irritating after four or five solid hours of sneezing, but think about your coworkers. They probably just want you to stop breathing and blowing snot all over the place. They have to work there too.
Does “Bless You” really offend you? I mean, REALLY OFFEND YOU? Does it get you fightin’ mad? You know what you should do? You know what I do? I say “thanks” and move on with my day. I don’t let it get to me. It’s really not a big deal that people are actually being polite to your nasty, cat-piss-reaking, freaky loner ass self. You should be thanking them with cards, flowers and gift cards to Applebys. Real live human people are taking the time to speak to you, and not about your foul odor.
Abby, you’re a fool. Tell this woman to ditch the cats, de-louse her home and take about 32 baths with Pine-sol. Learn to interact with humans, and this whole “bless you” nonsense will be a thing of the past. I’m here to improve people’s lives, not coddle them. Tough love is sometimes the best love.