Twinkies Done Gone Broke Ya’ll

In danger of being relegated to trading "favors" for rent money.

Oh my god, oh my god, ohmygod, ohmygod!!! Hostess, the evil mad scientists behind the only food that has ever been able to tell Nature to get bent, has filed for bankruptcy protection! Why, you might ask? Well, they’re broke, I might answer, quit being stupid. But apparently, they are struggling to make enough money to keep paying their bills thanks to you Americans trying not be fat tubs of crap. Real nice. Think about Hostess won’t you? Twinkie the Kid doesn’t have any other employment options. It’s either Spokes-cake for the never decaying treat or stunt double for Spongebob Squarepants. That’s it. And Twinkie the Kid’s getting up in the years, he can’t take the falls required of today’s Nickelodeon action stars.

Think about it. Twinkies have been around since 1930. They’ve survived the depression, WWII, Vietnam, all the hippies (and if you don’t think they didn’t have soaring profits in the 60′s and 70′s with all the rampant pot smoking, you must have your head lodged firmly in your rectum). They’re like a sugary, cream filled Dick Cheney. They can’t be killed by traditional means.

They’re an American Icon. We need to organize a “Save The Twinkie” fundraiser, and we need to do it yesterday! Time is of the essence.

So, I suggest the following musical extravaganza to help raise awareness and much needed funds to keep our Twinkies on the shelves, and ultimately in our hearts..specifically our arteries.

Twink-a-palooza 2012

The rock n roll supershow to save a supersnack!

Featuring performances by famous fat-asses such as:

Meatloaf singing “I would do anything for love, but stay outta my snack cakes”

Reuben Studdard of American Idol Fame performing a 25 Ho-Ho salute

Kirstie Alley & Oprah (fat Oprah) Competitive Ding Dong Eaters

Christina Aguilera will waddle her way through some nonsensical tune of hers

And many more!

Also, don’t miss your chance to play “Hog, Swine, Or FatAss” presented by the American Coalition Of Whale-people (A-COW)

This is just the start people. We need to save Twinkies, Cupcakes, Ho Ho’s, Ding Dongs, Ring Dings, Suzy Q’s, Snoballs and Zingers. Imagine America without such cardiac event inducing treats. It would be horrible. Won’t you please donate to save an American Institution?

Herman “Slap-Daddy” Cain – Pimpin’ The GOP

Pimp 4 Pres 2012

That’s right folks, Herman Cain is a straight up pimp. Just look at him there. You KNOW a pimp’s life ain’t easy. He’s got bitches filing harassment claims, a campaign manager doing creepy ads while smoking, and he’s got this hat. Why’s everybody trying to get up on his jock? A man’s got needs!

But seriously, his latest campaign ad freaked me the hell out. It starts out with a closeup view of his campaign/pro-wrestling manager Mark “The Marlboro Man” Block telling us that’s he’s had the privilege of being chief of staff for Herman Cain’s campaign. And while that reads like a really bad first draft from a Dr. Seuss book, it’s much less whimsical than that in reality. It’s sort of sad to be quite honest.

Herman Cain ad Mark Block 150x150 Herman Slap Daddy Cain Pimpin The GOP

Straight Outta Marlboro Country

He goes on to extol the virtues of Herman Cain and how we can take America back. Take America back??? From who, exactly? Did Cobra Commander sneak in during the night and steal our country while we were busy watching reruns of Mad Men on A&E? Thank God Herman Cain and Mark Block weren’t shirking their night watch responsibilities.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhm-22Q0PuM

krashuar 300x162 Herman Slap Daddy Cain Pimpin The GOP

I'm cravin' Pimp Sammiches

And now, this woman is accusing good ol’ Herm of Sexual Harassment from when she was working for him in 1999. This is fine, she apparently filed this complaint in 1999. If it’s true, then we know Cain’s been Old-school pimpin’ and keepin’ shit real, yo.

Then, three years later at her next job she claimed she needed to be allowed to work from home after a serious car accident, and that her manager was circulating a “sexually charged” email about her around the office.

Now, almost 8 years after this non-related incident, she’s back in the public eye, dredging up old wrongs because the guy might have some momentum heading into the primary race. Frankly, if he harassed her, he should be punished for it. But doesn’t this sound like this woman might just be full of shit? Just a little? Perhaps?

Think about it. In 1999 she claims harassment. In 2003 at a different job, with a different boss, she claims, well, cyber harassment of a sexual nature. Was he on her MySpace page posting updates about her cankles or something? Did he email everyone in the office with the online equivalent of bathroom grafitti “For a good time, call or email….” ?

No actually, it wasn’t even that bad, from the AP :

The complaint also cited as objectionable an email that a manager had circulated comparing computers to women and men, a former supervisor said. The complaint claimed that the email, based on humor widely circulated on the Internet, was sexually explicit, according to the supervisor, who did not have a copy of the email. The joke circulated online lists reasons men and women were like computers, including that men were like computers because “in order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.” Women were like computers because “even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.”

This is sexually charged? It offended her so deeply that she’s using it to ruin someone’s career? I pity this woman’s children if she has any.

Maybe Cain is a pimp to the nth degree, and maybe he does deserve to be dragged through the mud. That’s not for me to say. But it’s awfully suspicious that this woman laid in wait for nearly 8 years when he was running for President to bring this story back up, don’t you think? And of course, when he was questioned about the harassment, he claimed “He didn’t remember any charges being filed.” Hours later he, “Knew that a complaint was filed and that it was settled. A complaint is different from a charge.”

Do you blame him? A pimpin’ mack daddy like Herm can’t be expected to remember all the ho’s he’s tagged. He’s got bidness to take care of. Where’s Herm’s money bitch?

Justin Bieber – Hip Hop Star

He's So Gangsta

Or not. I kind of feel bad for the young lady. All she wanted to do, according to an article posted on Yahoo! Music! was have someone else write the lyrics, set the beat and allow her pasty white ass to perform them on BET’s Hip Hop awards show. Sounds about right for BET actually. Get the whitest kid y’know and have him rap. Ratings Success Achieved! Right? Well, no.

According to the legendary(?) DJ Premier, he was all for it until he found out that MC Bieberluscious wanted to have Ludacris right his lyrics. That’s an apparent no-no in the world of Hip Hop. To paraphrase DJ Premier, “You wanna spit dope rhymes, you gotta write dope rhymes.”

Besides, he didn’t want to run the risk of ruining the integrity of BET. Let that sink in for a minute. He didn’t want to run the risk of having BET’s integrity ruined. BET. The same network that for years has gone so far out of its way to make the Wayans brothers look like civil rights leaders in the fight against blaxploitation in movies and television.

Here’s a list of things that don’t seem to go together well at all:

Nitro and Glycerin
Dogs and Cats
Hot Dogs and Whipped Cream (don’t ask)
Sand and Vaseline
Carrot Top and Comedy
Shaggy from Scooby Doo and a lack of psychedelics
Justin Bieber and Peeing while standing up
Twinkies and Whiskey
Hotel hot tubs and Sanitation
BET and Integrity

You can see that there’s really not too far for BET to fall here. Let the Bieb go ahead and “spit some dope ass rhymes yo”. You can always get the Wayans brothers to dress up in drag and white-face to make it more culturally sensitive.

As an interesting footnote here, J-Biebs wants to be known in the world of hip hop as “Shawty Mane”. There’s a lot of disturbing information in that sentence, so I’ll understand if you need a minute to chew it over with a Twix or, you know, some heroin. ”Shawty Mane”, that sounds like a great name for a horse with a small penis.

Eagles Win, Punch Coach in the Gut

Dan Snyder's Treatment of the Average Fan

Now, I’m an unashamed Redksins die hard fan. Always have been, will always be. Even if it means supporting the anti-owner Daniel Snyder for the next 30 years. I’m not giving up on MY team regardless. And they suck, have sucked for over a decade and will continue to suck until Snyder is deep sixed somewhere.

Yesterday, in a game filled with the absolute worst officiating I’ve ever seen, the Eagles overcame the 4 interceptions (thrown by the Redskins) to win the game by 7 points. In celebration, Eagles receiver LeSean McCoy punched head coach Andy Reid right in the man titty. It was glorious, and the slow motion replay of the gesture was luxuriously hilarious. To watch 300+ pounds of Andy Reid’s gelatinous form rumble and bumble around after the near-miss to the titty was the best part of the game for me. (Well, aside from Gross Rexman getting benched in favor of the Stormin’ Mormon).

In a game of mediocrity, the Eagles proved they were more mediocre than the Redskins. But alas, we got to bear witness to the first Receiver-on-Coach/Walrus Celebratory Titty-Punch in the recorded history of the NFL. That, friends, is truly what was important.

Also, the head coaches of the Detroit Lions and the San Francisco 49ers looked like they were ready to throw down in no-holds-barred steel cage match after the 49ers beat the until-now undefeated Detroit Lions. That was great. Jim Schwartz already looks like “The Miz” from WWE fame, and Jim Harbaugh looks like the local nobody that was employed for that night’s event simply to lose in spectacular fashion.

If this is the new direction of the NFL, post-lockout, I’m all for it. Hell, even Sean Payton, head coach for the New Orleans Ain’ts managed to get a torn knee tendon and a broken tibia. Could you imagine Bill Parcells in his prime throwing down with Buddy Ryan or John Madden in their primes? It would be stellar.

Maybe this is something we can have happen in the off season to keep interest in the league? Head Coach Celebrity Death Matches.

Amish on Amish Terrorism

It’s a for real thing, read it yourself: Amish on Amish Violence Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Apparently Amish church A kicked Amish church B out of the community. In response, they kidnapped an elderly man from Church A’s group and gave him a shave and a haircut.

Let that sink in for a bit. Kidnapped an elderly man and gave him a shave and a haircut. The offenders are being held on $250,000 bail. They’re Amish. They trimmed someone’s face pubes. They didn’t sodomize a Shih Tzu for Christ’s sake. They basically cleaned the guy up a little. And yes, I know that their beards mean alot to them in their communities and their religion. But really, it’s a BEARD, not his testicles. Facial hair tends to grow back. Maybe not 50 years worth of it, but it will grow back soon enough.

However, I would advise citizens in and around Bergholz, Ohio (oh that would be great if it was Bungholz) to keep their doors locked, their windows shut and their homemade apple butter shut in their root cellars. If religious extremism has shown us anything, it’s that it will get worse before it gets better. I won’t be surprised to hear about a rash of butter churn destruction and wooden rocking chairs with thumbtacks found on the seats.

What is our world coming to when the biggest group of pacifists in the world begin terrorizing one another? I won’t be the least bit surprised to read that Hindus, Buddhists and Mennonites have formed their own “Crips and Bloods” gangs. All praise Jesus/God/Allah/Buddha/Ben Stein!

On the up side, if the Amish become violent to everyone, we’ll know when they’re about to try a drive-by. ”clip clop clip clop BANG!” ”Ezekiel get thine arses out of here!”

They Broke His Hand!

From Sunday’s games, the best news (unless you’re a Vick/Eagles fan) is that Michael Vick’s right hand is broken. The Giants are good for something after all. Poor Vick, that’s his dog beatin’ hand too.

In other news that makes the nation happy, the Patriots managed to blow a three touchdown lead to the Buffalo Bills. The BILLS? REALLY? Ahahahahaha. All is not well in Brady-land. I hope Albert Haynesworth is the reason they lost, I really do. All the sad little Patriot fans at Buffalo Wild Wings slunk out of there as the game expired, trying to go unnoticed. I noticed. They hate me.

Finally, Peyton Manning’s still out with neck rehab. It was really just a matter of time until this happened. With his Ginormous noggin, you had to know that skinny little neck was going to give out sooner or later.

TIME To Ask the Tough Questions

In an article from Time Healthland, they get to the bottom of an age old health concern…Is Sperm From Redheads Really Less Desirable?

Let that marinate on your brain for another minute, Is Sperm From Redheads Really Less Desirable? I don’t know about you, but personally, this very concern has kept me awake at night for years. Thank Jeebus for author Bonnie Rochman. This is a question that NEEDS to be answered. Why aren’t they discussing this in the GOP debates? What are they really trying to hide from the public at large? Screw the economy, and that silly little war thing we have going on, the important shit is right here: IS SPERM FROM REDHEADS REALLY LESS DESIRABLE?? Well you bastards? Is it? IS IT???

I can remember when I was a young man, and growing up with my grandparents, they had some old-timey sayings that they passed out like universal truths. Things like, “Don’t ever look straight up at a bird. If you put the cart before the horse, he’ll never drink bourbon. Don’t take sperm from a ginger.” So this has been a long standing prejudice against our fair skinned brethren for at least a century. Well, Bonnie here is getting right to the heart of the matter. She’s making a bold stand and she’s shattering every spunk myth you ever heard in her groundbreaking article. For example,

For the record, it’s nothing personal against redheads.

See? Now, put that in your pipe and sit on it, you bigoted bunch of spermists! I agree wholeheartedly with Bonnie, it’s nothing personal, not at all. It’s EVERYTHING personal! And the ginger community won’t stand for this bias any more! I can see it now, hoardes of red-headed men and their sympathizers take to the streets (with plenty of SPF55) and march on Washington. Their rallying cry can be heard all across our nation’s capital, “This is junk! Respect our spunk!” The signs, oh the glorious protest signs, these will be fantastic. ”Our Jizz has feelings too!” ”Don’t be a hater to what comes from our taters!” ”Smegma Equality Now!”

Yes, thank you Bonnie, for your bravery in fighting the good fight for baby batter betterment. I’m sure that as soon as the sun goes down, the pasty white throngs of carrot topped men will come out and thank you. When you win this war on White Honey, I’ll even throw a Congratulatory message on my gut for ya! You’ll still pay the $5 but how great will it be?

Oh wait, I just actually read the article. This is about a cryogenics lab freezing sperm donations for people wanting designer babies. Apparently, not even gingers want ginger kids, so they’re not keeping any ginger juice on tap. Well, that I can endorse. Screw it.

All about Dick…Cheney

Dick Cheney's High School Prom Photo

Our former VP, and cyborg prosthetic heart vessel, Dick Cheney has written an autobiography. I can only imagine that if you read it, you will inevitably do so in the voice of Batman’s Penguin. ”wah wah Iraq war, wah wah, need another heart wah wah”.

Anyhow, I’m not going to offer my opinion on his subject matter, because I stay out of politics on a personal level. On a general level however, I wonder if there’s a chapter on how to shoot a lawyer in the face, and get away with it? Think about how useful that could turn out to be.

I wonder why he didn’t contact me for a Belly Billboard to promote the sale of his new tome?

Apple Inc = Homer Simpson?

For the fourth year running, Apple Inc.’s latest prototype iPhone has gone missing launching a global investigation into the unfortunate incident. I’m beginning to wonder if they don’t have a cast of bumbling cartoon characters working undercover in their labs. This happens when Apple is putting the finishing touches on their latest and greatest technological innovation for this thing.

Personally, I think Steve Jobs’ old company is playing a global version of “got yer nose” with the public. You know how you can keep a toddler entertained for hours by sticking your thumb between your fingers and touching their face, saying “I got yer nose! hee hee, ha ha!” And in this case, the toddler is the general public.

When the first iPhone prototype went missing, everyone was all like “Ooooooh! Shady corporate espionage is at play, I wonder if Bill Gates sent his nerd ninjas in to dismantle Apple?” And an executive for the Chinese manufacturer actually committed suicide over the missing phone. Holy shit! I love my gadgets, but I’m damn sure not gonna off myself because I can’t find my Samsung tablet.

Now this time, I fully suspect Homer Simpson was involved. First, it was lost in a bar. In San Francisco. And nobody knows exactly where the hell Springfield is really located, so it could totally be California somewhere. Next, you’re carrying around an enormously expensive Apple iPhone prototype, that as we witnessed before, is so precious that Gollum himself would commit suicide if you were to throw it into the volcano at Mordor. But you’re gonna shove it in the pocket of your Dockers and head down to the bar for a few Mojitos and leave it on the bar? That’s totally something Homer Simpson would do.

And for the final nail in Homer’s coffin, I submit that the stories being shared cannot be corroborated by police. Police, who should be protecting the citizens of their city by the way, who are being sidelined because Steve Jobs’ precious went missing.

Hey Apple, if you need help with crafting a “LOST – iPhone” poster, hit me up! My gut’s always for rent!

What the Serious F*ck?

I’d like to say, there are a million problems modern technology could be working to solve for us. Artifical limbs that act like the real ones they’re replacing. How to get cigarette burns out of the crushed velour seats in your Mom’s Buick LeSabre. Make wine corks obsolete. I’d like to say that we were using that technology to improve people’s lives in a meaningful way. Any way at all. Anything. I mean, ANY PROBLEM can and should be solved with innovative new technologies. I can even come up with a dozen things that don’t need solved, improved or otherwise messed with. How about self-fetching beer cans? Who wants to miss the kickoff of the game on DirecTV, especially when they shelled out $300 for Sunday Ticket? Not me! But no, with all the resources, technology and innovation at their fingertips, they’ve come up with this.

The Klix paperclip. That’s right, they’ve invested precious resources, manpower, think tanks and technology into reinventing to goddamned paperclip. What was wrong with the old one? NOTHING. It clipped papers together. Not permanent enough for ya? Get a stapler!

Holy Jumping Jesus on a K-Mart Trampoline. This is what we’ve come to people. A nation that once was at the forefront of every new technological advancement. The Telegraph, the Telephone, the Lightbulb, the Automobile with it’s internal combustion engine, the Radio, the Television, Man in Flight, Man in Space….and now, the fuckin’ paperclip.

Belly Billboard

What What? On My Gut!

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