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In my never ending quest to give out damn good advice and correct that stuck up fart sniffer, Dear Abby, I present you with a new installment of Dear Gutmeister.  Read on:

In this edition, a freaky lady from Providence (more like UTOPIA, amiright?) writes in to get advice about her swinging lifestyle.  This was a previous article and other readers have written to Abby to express their views on someone else’s personal lifestyle choice.  So you know this has to be top shelf advice coming in.

So without further preamble, let’s get to it:

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been non-monogamously married for many years. My lover joined the household four years ago. Some members of my family welcome all three of us, some don’t. One, who doesn’t otherwise identify as conservative, has cut me off.

I’m sad that my happy family life offends them, but my household is my primary family unit, and I don’t lie or cover it up. Different family styles work for different people. Why is this hard to grasp? — JEAN IN PROVIDENCE

Ok, I’m with you Jean!  If you can get more than one partner in the bedroom, and do it with permission, I say go for it.  Rock on freaky chick!  Send the ol’ Gutmeister some video if you got it.  I’m always down for a little three-way Rhode Island sexy time.  Unless you’re ugly, in that case, don’t send it.  Oh, and if it’s you and two dudes, don’t bother, that’s just wrong.  Girl-Girl-Guy is always good.  Girl-Guy-Guy is always bad.  Let’s see what other readers had to say:

DEAR ABBY: Human sexuality expresses itself across a vast spectrum. Consenting adults can and do choose this lifestyle, but it’s a no-brainer that it strikes a negative chord within our culture.

Why is it necessary to remove the last shred of illusion and comfort from those parents? They may lack the psychological flexibility to accept polyamory. They already know on some inner level what is happening. My closest friends know about my lifestyle, but I am content to not “stir the pot” by forcing it into open conversation.

We don’t live in an especially tolerant society. People are slow to embrace anything different from the “norm.” If that triad is happy and enjoying life, that should be all that matters. — E.L. IN CALIFORNIA

Now I have to be honest, I think this “EL in California” is supporting the swingers, but she uses such big words I can’t quite follow it.  I’m not pulling out a dictionary to decipher this advice.  So I’ll call this “in favor” or “supports multiple sex partners”.  Abby’s reader apparently got one of those Word-A-Day Calendars and she’s clearly just showing off.

DEAR ABBY: Where will she be if she becomes pregnant? A baby would complicate a triad situation. There can be only one biological dad.

Who will play Daddy, and who the uncle? Will each of them really be OK with this then? How confused might the child be? As a mom, I feel for the parents of all involved. — NOT SURE IF I’D WANT TO KNOW

 

Wow, Ol’ “Not Sure If I’d Want To Know” is confused.  If this woman gets pregnant, she might forget completely where she’s located and taht would be bad.  And apparently the complications added with a baby would be too much for grown, reasoning adults to comprehend.  Would they wait until the child is grown and try to induct it into their demonic satanistic hedonistic lifestyle?  Would they force it to film them so they could charge $29.95/month online for others to watch what they’re doing to each other?

Would this child become a freak of nature and embark on a killing spree targeting groups of adults that number more than two?  And would he allow only male/female couplings to exist in peace?  What if the couple is two of the same sex?  Would that send him spiraling down into a vortex of repressed memories, angst and maybe just a little bit of a sexual thrill?  Would he force them into three-way sex for his amusement?

And now, we worry about who would “play” Daddy and who would “play” Uncle.  Well, Not Sure, I would imagine if we’re all “playing” these roles, someone is going to want to be the naked Batman and the other would likely ask if he could be Waldo, from “Where’s Waldo” fame.  Why play such boring people like “Daddy” and “Uncle” when you have a whole universe of fictional characters to choose from?

And to top this whole thing off, Not Sure finishes with the tried and true “As a mom…” line.  That qualifies your opinion in what way exactly?  ”As a Mom, and a choosy one at that, I choose Jif”.  That’s about all “As a mom” has going for it.  It’s like me saying that “As a fat bastard, I feel that Oprah Winfrey has lost too much weight”.  Or, “As a Man, I don’t think Women should pee standing up.”  It lends no authority or expertise to the argument.  She may as well have said “As a stuck up, meddling, frightened tit mouse, I feel for the parents of all involved.”

So, my advice to Jean in Providence is simple.  Do what makes you happy, enjoy your sexy times with your boy toys and don’t send me any photos of that hot mess.  Also, put down some plastic sheeting, that lube is bound to stain your good sheets.