Once again, I delve into other people’s business along side America’s favorite advice columnist, (and closet puppy kicker), Dear Abby. What really intrigues me is how this woman can stay gainfully employed giving out advice that wasn’t relevant in the 1950′s, let alone in today’s world. I know it’s not the original Abby behind the scenes, but her daughter who is proudly carrying on the tradition of giving out advice to those in need while looking down her nose at their petty real world problems. Further, why can’t I get paid to do this shit?
What’s she got in store for us this time?
Tongue Tied in Florida has this quandry:
DEAR ABBY: What do you say if someone who is overweight says she’s fat or asks you if she’s fat? It’s always such an awkward situation, and I usually end up saying, “Of course you’re not fat!” I’d like to know if there’s a better way of handling this. You always know what to say. — TONGUE-TIED IN FLORIDA
And Abby, good ol’ Abby, ever the diplomat and enabler, fires back with this sage wisdom:
DEAR TONGUE-TIED: If someone who was obese stated that she (or he) was fat, I would either let the comment hang there in silence or I’d say, “What do you intend to do about it?” And if someone with a weight problem asked me if he or she was fat, instead of denying the obvious, I would respond, “What I think isn’t nearly as important as what you think about that.”
Let me preface the correct response, (i.e.: my response) by saying that I think there’s a fine line between brutal honesty and being an asshole. That being said, I have bad vision and must have missed the line on my way here today.
Dear Tongue Tied in Florida,
For someone who claims to have their Tongue Tied, you speak perfectly clear English. One day, you’ll have to show me how that works. Can you also tie cherry stems in knots with just your tongue? I would imagine someone with such a nimble tongue would be invaluable in the sex-for-money industry. Frankly, I’m mesmerized by the idea of seeing you tie your tongue, then untie it, over and over again. It would be fascinating.
But back to your question about your fat friends. If the fatty says “Wow, I’m fat huh?” You have to, wait a second here. How long is your tongue anyways? I mean, I’ve seen Gene Simmons tongue and as freakishly long as that thing is, I have my doubts that he could actually tie it in a square knot. Do you have video or photos or something? I really would like to see you in action.
Oh, right, sorry. So, if Fatty McCholesterol says “Wow, I’m fat huh?”, it’s your civic duty to reply as honestly as possible. Let me explain this a bit. You hanging around the Cinnabon stand at the mall, minding your own business, grooming your eyebrows with your tongue, trying to pick up some random dude who might enjoy a good licking for about 3 solid hours, when Two-Ton Tina comes rumblin’ and bumblin’ up to you. Well, not to you, to the Cinnabon stand, because they just pulled a fresh tray out of the oven and that shit’s like musk to a deer in rut when it comes to fatties.
As she orders her dozen for here and a dozen to go, she looks at you and your hot, tight little self, tongue slung over your shoulder, rockin’ your best 1980′s tube top and Mom jeans (acid washed, of course) and in between shovels-full of Cinnabon icing, she looks you over and then self-consciously, through cinnamon speckled teeth asks you if “I look fat.”
She knows damn well she’s fat, she just cleaned out Cinnabon for chrissakes. Her thighs threaten to start a friction fire everytime she dares to wear pants and her chins are stacked up like the grand slam breakfast plate at Denny’s. You have two options. 1.) You can say, “Nah, you’re not that big at all” and risk being used as a human toothpick because she knows you’re lying your skinny little ass off, or 2.) you can be honest. ”Fat? You? Yeah, you’re a goddamn human moon bounce.”
Abby, if you ask a fatty “What do you intend to do about it?”, you’re risking becoming an appetizer, or getting sat on. That doesn’t lead to constructive dialog in my experience. Make sure you have a few feet of separation when you tell Fatty that, yes, she’s fat as hell, and then walk away fast. You won’t have to run, she can’t keep up with you for long.
I say be honest when they already know the answer to their questions. And really, call me about that tongue.