See that over there? That’s aluminum foil that I bought at Wal Greens. It’s not just aluminum foil though, it’s NICE! Aluminum Foil. NICE! (notice the exclamation point) NICE! Dammit, NICE!!!!
So, ok, what makes it so “NICE!” I thought to myself as I was on my way through the checkout lane. I figured that my friendly customer service associate should have the answer and so I posed the question to her.
Me: What exactly makes this aluminum foil, “NICE!”?
Me: Do I look like a light bulb to you?
CSA: What? What are you…
Me: Again, I’m not a light bulb, and I’m not asking about watts. I want to know what makes this particular roll of aluminum foil “NICE!” See, it says so right there on the package.
CSA: Sir, I think that’s just a name brand.
Me: Well, I think I’ll have to find out for myself when I get home.
CSA: (visibly breathes a sigh of relief as I walk out the door)
She was absolutely no help at all.
Onward home I travelled with my roll of “NICE!” Aluminum foil in tow. I couldn’t wait to get it home, open it and inspect it for qualities that would make it particularly “NICE!”. In fact, it got me to day dreaming about what qualities an aluminum foil should have and where among those qualities one might find enough of a difference to qualify it as truly “NICE!” or “NAUGHTY!” Man, could you imagine? ”NAUGHTY!” Aluminum foil? I bet you wouldn’t be able to keep that stuff on the shelves. People would be buying it by the armload.
Anyhow, from what I know of the aluminum foil industry (and surprisingly enough, I know alot about it having had worked for Alcoa Aluminum) I remembered what the company required in foil. Basically, it had to be aluminum, it had to be a certain thickness and it had to avoid poisoning large amounts of people when they used it. That’s the basics. As far as “NICE!”? I was coming up dry. Then it hit me…
“NICE!” Aluminum foil would be an aluminum foil that had all of the aforementioned qualities, PLUS it would post bail for you. That would be “NICE!” foil. But no, that would be “AWESOME!” foil, the more I got to thinking of it. So back to the thinking spot I went. Around this time, I realized I missed my turn about 4 miles back and had to turn around. The quest for knowledge would have to wait a bit.
Finally at home, I rushed into the house with the roll of foil raised triumphantly over my head and exclaimed to my wife that “I have returned from the Wal Greens and I not only got the aluminum foil we needed, but I managed to get “NICE!” aluminum foil!!!!” At which point, she looked up from the book she was reading, squinted at the box in my hand, shrugged and said “put it in the kitchen.”
Standing there, panting, mouth agape and clutching my “NICE!” foil above my head, I repeated myself. ”I have “NICE!” aluminum foil!!!! Did you not hear me woman? This isn’t your run of the mill, ordinary, every day aluminum foil, this shit here, this is certified “NICE!”!!!!” Again, she was unimpressed. Stomping into the kitchen, I muttered to myself (but loud enough so that “Miss I-don’t-care-about-your-great-fortune-in-finding-quality-foil” could hear me) ”You’ll be sorry, as soon as I figure out why this foil is exceptionally “NICE! I won’t let you use any of it”
The Wife: ”What did you just say?!!!”
Me: ”Nothing Dear”
Anyways…long story short. I opened the foil, taking great care not to tear the package or disturb it’s contents. Carefully I unrolled a short length for closer inspection, and after three or four hours of intense study, I came to the realization that “NICE!” foil really has no exceptionally “NICE!” or “NAUGHTY!” qualities to it. it’s simply foil. I was duped into purchasing this based on the claim that it was, in fact, “NICE!” when it was ordinary and really devoid of personality whatsoever.
WalGreens is getting an angry Tweet.