Dumber than dog shit, funnier than your sister stepping in dog shit
Do you follow anyone on Twitter that’s just so stupid you have to wonder how they managed not to kill themselves long before Twitter was a thing? If not, I invite you to follow former Professional Baseball player and current professional retard Jose Canseco. @JoseCanseco
I realize I may be late to the party of picking on the Ruler of Roids, the Sultan of Smack and the Prince of Performance Enhancers, but I think there’s still a handful of people that are painfully unaware that a grown man, a former professional athlete and a published author can be functionally retarded and allowed to be left on his own without supervision.
Here, let me share with you some of his greatest Tweets:
Thank you for being the fuel that lights the fire .I complete you
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) April 23, 2012
Do you get what I’m saying? Fuel doesn’t light a fire, it feeds a fire. Even a goddamned caveman knows that you need a spark to light a fire. That’s how he invented fire, and here we have 21st century Canseco struggling with the most basic survival concept in the history of forever.
But I digress, surely he can’t be ALL stupid right?
Who can spell the funny poop that comes out of your but
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) April 21, 2012
No, he really asked that. Who can spell the funny poop that comes out of your but. Now, I can only assume he means diarrhea, which isn’t funny ever when it’s happening to you 10 feet off the ground on a step ladder. It’s hilarious to your friends maybe, but your friends are dicks.
If he’s not asking about diarrhea, then I am forced to imagine that he’s talking about clown shit. Clown shit is depressing, no matter who it happens to and when. There is nothing funny about clown shit. Jose Canseco is a retarded monster.
Again, let’s dig into his Twitter account, maybe he’s got some insight on women for us all:
Did you know that having sex and watching porn slows downthe aging process
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) April 23, 2012
Nope. He’s confused aging with masturbation once again. I know steroids mess with your body in strange and exciting ways, but I had no idea they gave you Mad Cow disease.
So, scrolling further into the depths of a clearly insane man, we find:
How many inches are in 380 yards
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) April 19, 2012
Looks as though the latest issue of Highlights for Kids arrived and he’s stumped on the first math question of this month’s puzzle page. Hey Jose, I know you’re not real smart, but if you’re on the internet, there are ways to look this shit up you know. But no, I know you’re above such menial tasks so I’ve taken the liberty to help you out myself. Try this: Let Me Google That 4 U
It’s just not fair that this retarded hunk of over-muscled gorilla shit gets to be famous and have money and I’m stuck here not being rich. That’s got to change.
But as Jose says:
If you shot a bullet and dropt a nickle whitch one would hit the ground first
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) April 19, 2012
Truly a thought provoking question, Jose.
