Holy shit! Miller Lite has introduced their latest beer delivery upgrade. First, they introduced their “Vortex” bottles, wherein the neck of the bottle was made with swirls to help the beer pour out faster and smoother. Not really a noticeable difference but a neat little marketing gimmick.
Well this month, Miller debuted their latest way to get you drunk in hurry. The Punch Top Can. And Jesus Jumpin’ Christ on a Pogostick, the beer literally jumps into your mouth with these things.
The concept is simple. The beer is in a can. On the top of the can, they’ve added a little punch-out tab to help vent the can for a “smoother” pour. Well friends, I don’t know about smoother, but this son of a bitch gushes out of the can like it’s only mission in life is to get your coed girlfriend drunk, faster and cheaper.
I bought an 18 pack of these just today to try them out. I’m a Miller Lite drinker, and I’m a consumer moron, so I buy every shitty, gimmicky thing they put on the market. And I popped a top. Then I punched the vent tab. Two pulls on that can, and it was drained.
Now, I’m a world class beer drinker. My friends can attest to as much. I am usually three or four pulls per can, and it’s done for. This thing, holy shit, this thing I had to plug the vent hole so I could take it away from my mouth without spilling it all down my face. It literally comes rushing out of the can like a goddamned tsunami of barley and hops.
I don’t know. If you’re looking to drink in a hurry, these cans are what you need. If you’d rather not die of alcohol poisoning today, I suggest you leave that tab in place and drink it normal. Either way, look for this to be pulled from the shelves soon. The attorney general is already eyeballing them for promoting “binge drinking”. Like there’s any other kind.