YES! The Quarterfinals of Full Metal Jousting are officially in the books. Best show since the ball piercing episode where two guys had lances shoved in their junk. Well, 2/3rds of the show was anyhow. Let me explain.
This was the final 3 matchups of the Quarterfinals leading into the Semi Finals which ultimately lead into the Finals. Got all that? We have to whittle these guys down to four, then two and then we get our winner. That’s how it works. If that doesn’t clear it up for you, I can’t help you anymore. Go soak your head.
First up…Rope Myers vs. Josh Avery. Rope will be riding Phantom and Josh will be on Paladin. Let’s get to the action. No time for foreplay this week.
Pass One: Rope misses and Josh scores a strike.
Score: Rope 0, Josh 1
Pass Two: Rope unhorses Josh, Josh unhorses Rope. It’s cute the way they both did that, isn’t it? Brutal shit though.
Score: Rope 10, Josh 11
Amazingly, both guys get up off the ground, shake the sand off their balls and act as though it was the most pleasant thing that’s ever happened to them. Go figure.
Pass Three: Rope breaks a lance, Josh misses. Pussy.
Score: Rope 15, Josh 11
Pass Four: Rope strikes, Josh breaks a lance. Looks like Josh responds when you question his testicles. Good for him.
Score: Rope 16, Josh 16
Pass Five: Rope strikes and Josh misses. Apparently Josh is a one pump chump?
Score: Rope 17, Josh 16
Pass Six: Rope strikes, Josh strikes. Copycats, I hate copycats.
Score: Rope 18, Josh 17
At this point Rod advises that you “stick it in about 4 inches deeper.” Good advice whether you’re jousting or not, if you ask me.
Pass Seven: Rope misses, Josh strikes
Score: Rope 18, Josh 18
Shit just got real for real. After his refractory period, it appears Josh is back in the saddle. Look out Sally, he’s got wood!
Pass Eight: Rope ???? Josh??????
No seriously. It took the judges like 5 minutes to figure out who did what to who and where the wood landed. When it was all sorted out, they decided that Rope missed and Josh scored a strike giving him the 19 – 18 victory.
Personally, I don’t like it and I could tell Josh didn’t want to win that way either. He wanted to shove wood deep into Rope. And who could blame him?
Either way, Josh moves on to the Semi Finals and Rope is out of the running for the $100k.
Let’s see the next match shall we? Click the page numbers below.