It's gonna be a joust for the ages! Huge balls, massive collisions, busted wood!
Finally! Jousting. Man vs. Man. Horse vs. Horse. Wood vs. Ass. We have Rope Myers riding Navarro and John Stikes riding Crispin.
Pass One: Myers – Strike. Stikes – Miss. Well, ok sure. The first pass isn’t always the best pass. Let’s see what happens now that they’re warmed up.
Score: Myers 1, Stikes 0
Pass Two: Myers – Miss. Stikes – Miss. Well, shit.
Score: Myers 1, Stikes 0
Pass Three: Myers – Whiff. Stikes – Whiff. Son of a…. Where the hell is my jousting? This shit ain’t cutting it!
Score: Myers 1, Stikes 0
The sheer magnitude of the testicular gravitas in this match have gone from plums to raisins. Ugh.
Pass Four: Myers – Whiff. Stikes – Whiff. Alright, put the lances down, let’s just thumb wrestle to decide the winner. This blows.
Score: Myers 1, Stikes 0
Pass Five: Myers – surprise surprise, WHIFF. Stikes – STRIKE. Holy hell, someone made contact. Let me rewind that and watch is 3 more times just in case that’s the last touch of the joust.
Score: Myers 1, Stikes 1
Pass Six: Myers – Swing and a miss. Stikes – Monkey see, monkey do. MISS. There’s more missed swings than a playground for the blind. Jeeeeeeeeezus.
Score: Myers 1, Stikes 1
Pass Seven: Myers – Broken Lance. Stikes – Why ruin a good thing, right? MISS. Oh my god, oh my god. Someone just shattered wood. It’s about friggen time!
Score: Myers 6, Stikes 1
At this point red team coach, Ripper Moore (goddamn that’s a manly name) gives John a little advice. Basically he says “Well, you got one more pass. You’re basically f*cked, but go ahead and try anyhow”. I’m paraphrasing a little.
Pass Eight: Myers – Miss, Stikes – Strikes. And this dog turd has finally come to it’s painfully boring conclusion, leaving us with Rope Myers as the winner of $25,000.
Congrats to both men. Great job all season and they were truly entertaining and inspiring. Even if the selection process for this joust was more exciting to watch than the joust itself. (I kid, I kid…don’t hunt me down Rope)
Keep reading, the big money is up next! Click the page numbers below.
