Have you had the opportunity to see Investigation Discovery’s show “Nightmare Next Door”? If not, count yourself lucky. This is goddamned awful in every sense of the term.
The website describes the show thusly:
How well do you know your neighbors? NIGHTMARE NEXT DOOR tells the tales of mysterious murders from behind white picket fences that rocked Middle America. Interviews with investigators, prosecutors, family members and/or neighbors piece together the twisting tale of a classic whodunit, and forensic experiments lead viewers into the heart of the investigation.
MIDDLE AMERICAN MURDERS ONLY YOU GUYS! Screw you people on either coast. This is about MIDWESTERN DEATH AND DESTRUCTION. Oh it’s horrible. I mean, not to belittle the tragedies, because I assume each case is based on a real life event. However, they pull the old “America’s Most Wanted” trick, and re-enact the scenes from the police files.
The difference is, they’re ridiculous. Each and every suspect throughout this hour of pure stupid will turn and freeze frame for the camera. He’s looking into your soul!
And then you have the narrator who uses metaphors and similes like they’re his life’s blood. No, you don’t understand.
In the show, they might say the police were stumped. Fine, I get it, they were out of ideas and leads. Yes, good enough, let’s move on. Right? WRONG! This is where the narrator takes on the persona of “The Smoking Gun Presents America’s Dumbest Dummies” or some such shit.
He actually will say, “The police were stumped. Like a tree that was just cut down to barely above ground!” You know, leaving a STUMP? Oh it’s f*cking horrid.
Anyhow, that’s what I’ll be writing about now in place of WWE’s Monday Night RAW until they come to their senses and go back to two-hour shows.
Tune in tomorrow! Like a guy tuning a violin. Or something.