So, you’re afraid of marriage huh? I’m sorry to hear that, you want some ointment for that? Truth is, marriage is a pretty darn nice thing to be involved in, if you find the right person and neither of you are selfish, self-important walrus taints. If you’re someone who always has to come first, who’s always got to have things “just so” and feels that your own feelings and desires are the single most important thing EVER, then do us all a favor. Don’t get married. Don’t go out in public. Just climb up the nearest cliff and jump off. We don’t need your kind.
If, however, you’re capable of caring about others, and you’re one of those rare people who actually have the unique ability to put yourself second in line once in a while, then you might be marriage material. Additionally, if you can find someone similar you’re doing even better. Congratulations, get hitched! It’s not that hard to do, a few bucks at the courthouse and you’re done.
Unless of course you’re marrying an average woman. I don’t mean average in terms of looks, personality, sexual prowess, skill at Dungeons and Dragons. I mean average in that most women have a dream wedding pictured in their minds and it’s your job to make sure they get it. Keep in mind, the wedding isn’t about the guy. It’s never about the guy. Your best bet is to go along quietly to pick out china patterns, blenders and flowers. Suck it up big boy, she puts up with YOU afterall. It’s really unfair to her if you think about it objectively.
So you make it through the circus of a wedding, you’re now deeper in debt than college loans could have ever possibly hoped to achieve, and you’re married. To the same person. Every. Freaking. Day. And you know what? It ain’t so bad.
Here’s the thing, the minute you get married you’ve entered into a partnership with another human being who’s also willing to let you have sex with them, every other Tuesday whether you need it or not. But in agreeing to marrying you, they now get to split the bullshit that life throws at you on the regular. Remember back when you were single and the car would break down? You’d look in your bank account and basically the ATM would spit out a receipt with this image on it?
So you’d sit there, wondering how you were going to get to work, what you were going to eat and how you were going to get your car fixed. You’d run out of ideas and get blindingly drunk on mouthwash and Nyquil just so you could forget about your troubles for a few fitful hours of sleep. It was awful. But now you’re married!
That means she gets to help you deal with the huge slice of shit-pizza that the Pizza-verse has dealt you. While you’re walking to the bus stop to get to your low-paying, unfulfilling job, she’s able to call around for the best quotes on repairs and vice versa. You’re able to hunt down friends who owe you a favor or know a guy who’ll do the work on the cheap while she’s at her low-paying, unfulfilling job somewhere.
And remember balancing the budget? Trying to pay everything each month? Not only do you have a partner in racking up those debts, but you also have a partner in juggling them around each month so that you don’t get something turned off at the wrong time. ”So, we skipped the electric bill last month, this month we can skip the water bill to pay the electric bill. If it rains, we won’t have to worry about having water anyways.”
On and on this cycle goes. You’re still getting dumped on, but it’s being spread across two people now. You and your partner. The Jackie Chan to your Chris Tucker. The Cagney to your Lacey. The Spongebob to your Patrick. Well, that last one might be a little bit suspect.
But you can see how it works. Marriage absolutely has it’s challenges, anyone who tells you differently is either a) lying or b) happily divorced. Marriage, in my experience, has many more positives than negatives. The biggest plus for me? Knowing that at least once a month, I get to have sex, guaranteed. Whether I need it or not.