The Post Office Kiosk Sucks

I'm organizing a telethon for these machines, hopefully we can cure the stupid.

Have you seen these things? The Post Office Kiosk, where you can buy postage for your mailings? It’s got a scale, looks like an ATM and is supposed to help you speed up your visit to the god-awful slow Post Office? They call it the Automated Postal Center and it sucks balls.

Yesterday, I had three small envelopes to send out, they weighed in around 6 ounces or so, and I used the kiosk because the clerks at my Post Office have two speeds: Slow and Infuriatingly Slow. And because I’m technologically savvy, I thought I’d save me some time and use the kiosk to get the postage I needed.

Well, that was yesterday. Today, all three packages were in my mailbox, marked “Insufficient Postage”. By 59 cents. How the f*ck could that happen? I followed the prompts, I weighed each one individually and I clicked on the buttons they had for me to click on. And yet, here we are, my packages are back in my possession. Jeeeeeeeeeeeezus.

If the machine tells me to pay $1.70 to ship it, that’s what I’m going to pay. If it would have said $2.29, I would have gladly paid that. It’s not like I’m trying to pull one over on the Postmaster General or anything here. But no, their machine is either retarded, or they’re really hurting for $1.77 more to deliver these envelopes. I can’t imagine that $1.77 is going to kill them, but rules is rules and the South Carolina branch of the post office is nothing if not inefficient.

I’m pretty sure that kiosk works great anywhere else, but the stupid from this branch must have rubbed off on the machine somehow. Go figure.

RAW Regurgitation – 100% More Commercials and 50% more Tensai

Seriously, Rock is gone, Brock is gone....All we have left is Lord Tensai.

It would appear that the WWE has decided to drop Brock for a bit now that he’s both lost to Cena and crippled HHH in consecutive nights. Or maybe it’s just that they realized too much Brock, especially when allowed to speak, is just bad for “this business” and “these people” and “the era that ended but was revived immediately by bringing back guys like Brock and Rock.”

I don’t know, but what I do know is that this was a hard show to enjoy. It had some moments, but it simply didn’t have anything to make it truly special for a guy like me. A guy who didn’t give a shit 10 years ago when Brock was a thing, and who doesn’t give a shit now that Brock is a thing. It’s kinda funny. I didn’t bother rating this show due to time constraints on my end, and the fact that honestly, aside from two small pieces, it was all dogshit in my book.

At any rate, follow me on Twitter, leave a comment, be my friend. Let’s move on with this horseshit, shall we?

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Monday Anniversary Weekend Hangover

12 years this woman of mine has put up with me. She's either a saint or mildly retarded.

Yes, it’s true. May 20th will mark 12 years of wedded bliss for me and my wife. We decided to take an early trip to the beach in order to celebrate this year, instead of what we usually do and just sit at home looking at each other for two solid days.

It was great. No kids, no job, no blog, just the beach, the alcohol and the <winkwink> <nudgenudge> Yes indeed, life is good when all you’ve got going on for three solid days is being naked and being drunk. And that’s what we did, almost to perfection.

So, while the rest of you schlubs worked on your honey-do lists and tackled another pointless weekend of existing long enough to go back to work today, I was at the beach with my baby having fun. FUN dammit, F-U-N!

That’s not to say it was all humping and binge drinking, we did manage to get out on the beach for a while, where I discovered my skin is a pussy. My legs are burnt and sore from the sun. We laid out there for a while and I refused any sort of sunscreen because, dammit, that’s for sissies. Luckily though, only my legs and ankles got the burn on. And that made for painful socks-wearing later on.

I was hobbling around places like an old man who just crapped in his depends. It was embarrassing. I also noticed a distinct lack of young people at Myrtle Beach this weekend. In fact, I would venture to say that aside from grandkids, we were the youngest people at the beach the entire weekend. And that made for an even better time.

All the elderly folks tended to stay in the shade by the pool or in their hotel rooms. It was like a desert island, if you can believe that. No lines to any of the clubs or restaurants, no waiting to be seated, no hold-ups on getting more drinks to the table so I could get the wife drunk and she’d let me touch her again. It was glorious. In fact, if there was any place that was crowded, it was the “all-you-can-eat-buffet” restaurants around 4pm. All the old people eat at 4pm. I think it’s a law or something.

And I did all this while you were out cutting the grass and painting the shutters. Suckers.

Alright Thursday, You Gotta Go

You.....Are.....OUTTA HERE!

Seriously. I mean it this time. Thursday, you have outlived your usefulness and I’m about good and goddamned tired of dealing with your shit. You’re pointless. We could take and add four more hours to every other day and actually have something to show for it. Or, we could just add twelve hours each to the weekend days and really enjoy ourselves.

But no. Noooooooo, of course you won’t go away. You’re like the clueless college buddy that came for a “visit” and decided to just move right the hell in with us. Never mind that we don’t have room for you and that you’re a huge inconvenience to everyone. Don’t give a second thought to the fact that you haven’t offered to pitch in for groceries, power bills or the rent. That’s fine. We LOOOOOVE having your sorry, resource-draining ass always around.

And of course, when we try to go out for a nice evening with our spouses, there’s nothing more exciting than having you as a third wheel, getting in the middle of every damn thing we try to do to escape you. Nope, perfectly acceptable if you ask me. Who wouldn’t want you sitting there, talking about your glory days in high school sports while we’re trying to enjoy a quiet dinner with a beautiful woman? I sure love it when you’re around.

What’s that? You want to watch the marathon of “Aliens In Heat” on SyFy? Well, sure, that’s what I want too. Give not a second thought to the fact that a.) I hate alien movies and b.) SyFy freakin’ blows 99% of the time. I didn’t want to see the big game tonight anyways, and you are my guest, so it’s perfectly acceptable to me that you get to hog the television that I paid for and watch the premium cable package that I paid for and I don’t even mind that you’ve ransacked my kitchen for refreshments that I paid for. Nope, I don’t mind a bit that you haven’t so much as bought a roll of toilet paper since you’ve been here. It’s my pleasure to be at your beckon call.

You see, I’m not the one asking you to leave. It’s the wife. She’s tired of having a house guest. Says “we need some privacy around here”. Sheesh, women right? So, I know it’s against the bro-code and all, but my hands are tied. I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. Yeah, I know it’s weak, but sometimes you just gotta please the old lady, ya know? Look man, don’t give me shit, it’s not me, it’s HER.

The New Orleans Ain’ts Are Having A Rough Go Of It

Murderers, Dog Killers and Rapists are welcome. But put a bounty on a player and the shit will hit the fan.

Well, after “Bounty-Gate” exploded in their faces, the New Orleans Saints learned they were being penalized by having their head coach suspended for a year, a loss of a draft pick and some fines. Gregg Williams is banned indefinitely from the NFL and the entire football world is confused by this shit.

Well today, it’s been reported that there are more penalties coming down the tubes from the Ginger Commish’s office. Linebacker Jonathan Vilma is now being suspended for the 2012 season. Defensive end Will Smith (The Fresh Prince) is serving a four game suspension, Defensive end Anthony Hargrove (now with the Packers) is out for eight games and Linebacker Scotty Fujita (now with the Browns) will be sidelined for three games.

I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. Why don’t they just suspend the entire franchise for the season and be done with it? This is ridiculous. They’re killing teams, ruining competitiveness in the league and frankly at this point, you would think the NCAA is involved in this shit somehow.

It’s crazy. Bounties are bad. Shut the hell up with that. Bounties are a part of EVERY sport in some capacity. To think that a professional athlete is going to just go hurting people to make what amounts to pocket change for them is outrageous. But the NFL being the NFL, is “coming down hard” on these “egregious actions” because they fear they’ll be found liable for former players’ health care costs and that isn’t good business for a BILLION dollar organization apparently.

Further, they should suspend the Patriots for “Spy-Gate”, they should suspend the Browns for “Sucking Since Forever” and the Redskins for “Dan Snyder”. Might as well throw the Cowboys on the pile for “Jerry Jones” and the Panthers for “Jerry Richardson Being A Racist Dipshit”.

Can we also suspend the Ravens for having a murderer on their team? Wait, the NFL allowed Ray Lewis to come back, as well as Dog hater Michael Vick, so….let’s just ban the Goddamned NFL and be done with it.

It makes my head hurt. I’m going to get a case of Miller Lite Punch Top Cans and see if I can just forget about all this bullshit.

RAW Regurgitation – Extreme People Power Edition

Monday Night Raw - Better than a poke in the eye...but not by much

Yes! Yes! Wait, no. No! This episode of RAW happened right after the Extreme Rules Pay Per View event on Sunday. So we have to deal with the fall out from that, we have to hear from Brock Lesnar and for some reason HHH as well.

It’s always a toss up whether the follow up show for a Pay Per View is going to be good or freakin’ awful, and tonight’s was no exception. I’m still not decided to be honest. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great. It’s almost as though they’re afraid to give us a really good show. Maybe they’re afraid they can’t do it more than once in a row?

Anyhow, my rating system remains. Anywhere from dogshit to 5 Rowdy Roddy Pipers for a good promo segement, and anywhere from dogshit to 5 Macho Man Randy Savages for a good wrestling segment. I’m trying to be less angry with these recaps. There’s a lot to like in the WWE, they just usually don’t give it to us on RAW.

As always, follow me on Twitter. (if it’s good enough for WWE, it’s good enough for me) and leave a comment below. Let me know what you think!

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Monday Bullshit Hangover – I’m Stumped

No Jousting? No Football? Screw it, I got grub.

It’s once again Monday. Once again there was no Football or Jousting on for me to write about. So I invited some friends over yesterday, we ate about 7lbs of pork bbq and drank beer. (Not those damned Miller Lite punch top cans either.)

And what did we do? Well what the hell do a bunch of 30-somethings do when they get together? Sat around and thanked god we didn’t have to work on Sunday. That we had the day off to shoot the shit, eat the pig and drink the beer. That’s a good Sunday in my book.

If you need therapy, you can’t beat hanging out with some friends and having good food. Screw Xanax and Prozac, hand me a six pack and a plate piled high with grub and my mood improves immediately. Add a couple of friends, and it’s just utopia.

We tried to find something to watch on TV. Since I don’t really like MLB, I don’t have the special package that lets you see all the games, and there wasn’t anyone playing yesterday in our area, so I tried Hockey. I like hockey, but I don’t understand it, and finally I found a college baseball game to watch. That’s something I can get into. Amateurs, minor leagues, all those guys who aren’t making millions, it just feels like they’re playing harder and with more passion because they WANT to make all that money one day.

Maybe it’s just me being pedantic. I don’t know, I don’t care. Had beer, had BBQ. Beyond that, nothing matters.

Miller Lite is Determined To Goddamned Kill Me

Miller Brewing's latest, the "Punch Top" Can. Holy jeeeeezus.

Holy shit! Miller Lite has introduced their latest beer delivery upgrade. First, they introduced their “Vortex” bottles, wherein the neck of the bottle was made with swirls to help the beer pour out faster and smoother. Not really a noticeable difference but a neat little marketing gimmick.

Well this month, Miller debuted their latest way to get you drunk in hurry. The Punch Top Can. And Jesus Jumpin’ Christ on a Pogostick, the beer literally jumps into your mouth with these things.

top1 300x225 Miller Lite is Determined To Goddamned Kill Me

Just to the right of the tab, punch that open and hold on to your ass.

The concept is simple. The beer is in a can. On the top of the can, they’ve added a little punch-out tab to help vent the can for a “smoother” pour. Well friends, I don’t know about smoother, but this son of a bitch gushes out of the can like it’s only mission in life is to get your coed girlfriend drunk, faster and cheaper.

I bought an 18 pack of these just today to try them out. I’m a Miller Lite drinker, and I’m a consumer moron, so I buy every shitty, gimmicky thing they put on the market. And I popped a top. Then I punched the vent tab. Two pulls on that can, and it was drained.

top2 300x225 Miller Lite is Determined To Goddamned Kill Me

Behold! The gaping maw of the beer beast!

Now, I’m a world class beer drinker. My friends can attest to as much. I am usually three or four pulls per can, and it’s done for. This thing, holy shit, this thing I had to plug the vent hole so I could take it away from my mouth without spilling it all down my face. It literally comes rushing out of the can like a goddamned tsunami of barley and hops.

I don’t know. If you’re looking to drink in a hurry, these cans are what you need. If you’d rather not die of alcohol poisoning today, I suggest you leave that tab in place and drink it normal. Either way, look for this to be pulled from the shelves soon. The attorney general is already eyeballing them for promoting “binge drinking”. Like there’s any other kind.

The 2012 NFL Draft Aired Last Night

I'm Mike Mayock and I'm here to completely ruin any enjoyment you might get out of watching the 2012 NFL Draft.

And goddamn it all, it took FOR-FREAKIN-EVER to end. Thirty two picks had to be made. Each team was given up to 10 minutes to decide what they were going to do. In essence, that should have been a MAXIMUM 320 minutes. Nobody ever uses their full allotment of time, and tonight the first three picks were turned in in less than 5 minutes.

But with all the phony pomp and circumstance of having Roger Goodell announce each pick, hand them a shitty Nike jersey with their name on it and pose for photo ops, it dragged on and on and on and on….

And to make matters worse, I had to listen to Mike Mayock, limp penis of the NFL network dissect each draft pick in a way that only he can. He sort of sounds like a guy who knows football, he says football-y things now and then while speaking about football players. I’m just not convinced he really knows what he’s saying. I can do a mock draft based on the analysis of other people too. He’s not a genius, he’s a plagiarist at best.

Anyhow, I tuned into this show mainly so I could see the Redskins announce the signing of Robert Griffin III, and I got to see that. But then I stuck around a while to see if there were any surprises. I mean, the only alternative programming I had to choose from was “Touch” on FOX and I wouldn’t wish that steaming goat shit on my worst enemy.

Anyhow, this is how the draft went down. I hope you enjoy this more than I enjoyed watching and listening to it.

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Thursday, You Suck

Thursdays - All the fun of a hangover, without the awesome party that caused it.

It’s once again Thursday, and once again there’s almost nothing to recommend it. We’re a day away from the end of the week. Nobody says TGIT! Who wants to party tonight then have to struggle through work all day Friday just to party again? We already have that day, it’s called Monday.

So, I was looking at the TV schedule for this evening and the only thing worthwhile in my mind is the NFL Draft. Even so, after the second overall pick, going to my Washington Redskins, I rightly don’t give a damn until they pick again. Ergo, Thursday still sucks.

Look around you. Who’s happy today? Other than that creepy dude you work with that has a Big Bang Theory viewing party going on. Now if that isn’t a reason to hate Thursdays, I don’t know what is. I don’t get the draw to that show, do you?

They’ve got smart ass little nerd jokes, one sorta attractive chick and not much else. It’s stupid. CBS Sitcoms are the Thursday of the viewing schedule. Two and A Half Men? Blech.

I guess I’m stuck with the draft and a 12 pack of Miller Lite tonight. Thursdays need to step it up, I’m about tired of this shit.

Belly Billboard

What What? On My Gut!