This is just the worst. The absolute worst.
The show starts with a recap package from last week when Big Johnny along with Benihana Lord Tensai and Kato Sakamoto destroyed John Cena’s salutin’ arm. Doesn’t it just look like someone ran their ATV over Tensai’s face prior to the match?
And from there we get Big Johnny to open the show. On the upside, no Nickelback song. On the downside? Big Bad Johnny comes out to tell us a few goddamned things. And here they are:
- With his enormous title, he is the undisputed authority on WWE Television
- Last week Cena called him an idiot. (and?)
- Also called him a corporate jackass.
- Big Johnny lost his temper and went all “Hulk-Smash!” on that jolly green ass.
- At Over the Limit he will pick up where Brock left off. (giving awful promos? You’re already there Johnny)
- He’s gonna prove himself to be THE bad ass.
- He’s not sorry. He ain’t care.
- Wasn’t reprimanded by the board of directors. Because, audiences love to hear about corporate bullshit like that.
- Cena will not be here tonight live. He’s getting therapy’ed.
- People Power, however, will be bringing Cena live via Satellite from his convalescence home.
- Cena WILL apologize. (anyone want to wager on that one?)
- All Superstars are on notice to not make fun of Big Johnny’s voice. He’s sensitive, c’mon y’all, let’s B.A. Star!
- We’re treated to his greatest hits from his days in All Japan Pro Wrestling. Whoopty shit, it’s still photos, because, vacation slides.
- Calls himself the Hulk Hoga, Stone Cold Steve Austin and The ROCK of Japan. The crowd wishes he would’ve stayed there.
- He’s Bigger than Rock Lesnar, Brock Cena…dammit, whoever.
Just when you think you’re getting out of this turd segment, out comes CM Punk to prolong our agony. And he’s got his PIPEBOMB in hand! Awwwwww shit, it’s about to get for real real now!
Punk Says:
- People Power? You’re clueless to what the people want.
- I’m going to help you figure it out by process of elimination.
- People don’t want YOU.
- You’re just mad because Brock lost and made you look bad.
- You’re some kind of hyena, because, hyenas are scavengers and explaining an insult to the guy you’re insulting is always the best way to burn ‘em good.
- You weren’t in WWE because nobody would pay to see you wrestle.
- You were a joke then, and you’re a joke now. Funny man.
- Cena’s gonna whoop dat ass. (I’m paraphrasing)
- You’re also: Stupid, Ugly and have no Friends! (Hey Punk, B.A. Star man!)
- You’re also a gigantic toolbox. (Which I’m assuming is a bad thing to be? I don’t know, I like my toolbox.)
So then they talk to each other instead of reading us a list of things they wanted to say. It’s almost like a conversation.
BJ: You’re gonna face someone from Japan tonight! (my god, who could it possibly be?) Lord Tensai.
CMP: You’ve hid behind big men your whole life!
And…………scene. Whew, thank you Jesus. Big Show will face Cody Rhodes later on tonight.
And we thankfully, mercifully go to commercial break here.
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