Yeah, the much hyped and much less anticipated Rock n Rap concert on Monday Night Raw happened. It actually took place in Cleveland of all places. Cleveland. Ohio. Sorry about that Ohio, we know you’ve been in a slump these last few decades and still we allowed this to occur in your city. Seems that some people are meant to be princes while Ohio is meant to be their whipping boy.
The big question on everyone’s mind, however, is: ”Did they do any wrestling tonight?” And the answer is, well, sort of. I mean, there were matches that took place, but looking back on them an hour or so removed from the show, I vaguely remember anything about them. Luckily I have notes and with these notes, I intend to recreate the event in 3,000 words or less.
Do me a favor? When you get done reading, leave a comment or tweet @BellyBillboard and let me know what you think. I need your acceptance to validate my life. I’m a lonely, lonely man.
And we’re off! Here comes the Doctor of Thuganomics hisself, John Cena. And he’s coming out to his old school (Lawler used this term at least 2,000 times tonight) theme in his old school jorts and basketball jersey with his old school bicycle chain locked around his neck. And he wasn’t here to be “Good Time Johnny”, no sir. He was here on serious business, you guys. When he got to the ring, he didn’t prance about running the ropes and giving us the “Hustle, Loyalty, Respect” hands. Nope. Instead, he got right into his
poetry rap. And he went all attitude era on us tonight! He said bad words, referenced the Cleveland Steamer, titties and called the Rock (and I quote) “Miami Fried Chicken Shit”. This was bleeped out of the broadcast. Thank goodness they did that, my kids have never heard the words “chicken shit” in their lives and I don’t know that their virginal ears could withstand the assault of those barbed words.
Then, whilst holding a bag of Planters mixed nuts, he said “I may have no balls, but I’m still gonna put my nuts in yo’ face!” And thugged his way back to the locker room. While I appreciate the effort of the throwback here, I have to say when it comes to poetry, Leaping Lanny Poffo did it with much more style and grace. And while the frisbees were an elegant touch of a more sophisticated era, at least Cena didn’t have to read his “rap” off of his Masterlock hanging around his neck. So, points for John I guess.
Now, this took all of 8 minutes to accomplish on air. You’d think we’d have an interruption of sorts, or maybe a little back and forth going on for another ten or fifteen minutes, right? Wrong. Not even a commercial break. Instead, we are treated to our first wrestling match of the night. And we get to see Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus. It’s the pink ass-cape vs. the pasty, pale ginger warrior. And I can’t wait. These guys are the best.
After a few mentions (six at a minimum) of the Rock & Rap Concert here tonight, and the third time that Cole mentioned something or other Trending on TWITTER with HASHTAGS and TWEETS, we are shown mercy by way of a commercial. Oh, thank god.
Keep reading, I had to watch this shit, it’s the least you can do. Click the page numbers below.