You thought my "Mask" impression sucked, wait till I roll out Ace Ventura!
On one hand, we were spared Nickelback once again. On the other hand, we got promos. Or rather, vacation slides from the PPV that took place last night. The big story? Cena vs. Laurinaitis, somehow. Yes, Cena lost thanks to a knockout punch from the Big Show. We don’t care about the instant classic that was Punk vs. Bryan, General Managing is more exciting. This was a segue-way into Cena coming out to the ring angrily.
His talking points:
- Congrats to my opponent on his “win”
- What the hell happened?
- WHAT the hell happened?
- WHAT the HELL happened?!!!!!
- Big Show happened.
- John Laurinaitis has been selfish, self-serving and a bully.
- I was a bully last night, but that’s ok because I’m the good guy.
- I wasn’t going to B. A. Star because he deserved being bullied.
- Big show was my friend.
- I was just having fun. You were having fun. It was fun!
- Anyhow, I’m glad I was a Bully in case you missed it.
And on and on it went. Finally, FINALLY, after a mention of how the laptop was a better General Manager than Big Johnny, Big Johnny came out to interrupt Cena. He came out on a Rascal Scooter.
Big Johnny said:
- I went to the Emergency Room last night.
- I have a possible broken clavicle.
- I have a possible ACL & PCL tear.
- I have a possible spinal injury.
- I have definite contusions. (Bruises for the un-initiated).
- I have no feeling in my left arm or left leg.
- I have possible nerve damage.
Basically he’s saying Cena beat the piss out of him. But that’s OK because….
- In the ring, I’m fierce.
- Out of the ring, I’m suave and debonaire.
- You can’t touch me out of the ring or you will be fired!
Show comes out looking ashamed at first, but then says:
- You want me to explain?
- You’re not entitled to an explanation. But here’s an explanation anyhow.
- I was hired SATURDAY NIGHT to help Big Johnny.
Um, the paper from the “Board of Directors” said any Superstar that interfered would be terminated. If he was on the payroll Saturday, and Sunday presumably, he was a Superstar who interfered and should be fired, but we the audience are retarded and won’t bring that up.
This goes on and on. Show mentions “you people” a bunch of times and Otunga comes out to face Cena to avenge his boss. Jeeeeezus Christ.
Cena tells him to go back and watch Law and Order or he’ll get hurt. Otunga doesn’t listen. Otunga dedicates this match to Big Johnny.
We go to commercial. That was 20 minutes of your life that you will never get back folks.
