What I paid to see. A doughy white guy covered in BBQ sauce. What specific kind of fetish is this anyways?
It’s TENSAI! Yup, the man we’ve all been clamoring to see 100% less of. And he’s no longer wearing his robe or mask to the ring. However, he still has Kato accompanying him to the ring, so that’s something I guess.
And they fight. And it’s a lumbering match where Tensai gets the upper hand, then Cena fights back a bit and then Tensai regains control. Look, I hate Tensai, I’m sorry. He’s not a bad performer, but to be matched up immediately with Cena makes it hard for me to take him seriously. He’ll be a mid-card chump in a month, fighting the likes of Santino and Ryder. No, build him right and I’ll take an interest. This is goddamned stupid.
They take a commercial, but I’ll spare you the Pizza Hero details. We keep on fighting back and forth. Finally, Cena hulks up and forgets all about the past 10 minutes when a 300+ pound dude was basically killing him. He hits his five moves of doom for the win.
This leads us to the inevitable Cole vs. Cena match. This is where WWE and John Cena could really live up to their anti-bullying campaign of B.A. Star. F*ck that, Cena’s gonna beat the hell out of Cole.
Cole takes off through the crowd, only to be caught and noogied all the way back to the ring. They have words, Cole strips off his jacket and tie. Cena beats his ass and strips him down to his underwear and socks. Then he humiliates Cole. B.A. Star indeed. Along the way, Cena stomps on Cole’s testicles. Just sayin’. B. A. Star.
J.C.: Apologize to Jerry for picking on him.
M.C.: I’m sorry
J.C.: Apologize to Jim Ross for humiliating him.
M.C.: I’m sorry
Now Cena asks for BBQ sauce and Jerry somehow happens to have three bottles of it at ringside. No idea why. Cena dumps it on Cole and then sprays him with a fire extinguisher. B.A. Star kids! He then attempts to give him an attitude adjustment. Tensai comes back and slams him. Cole attempts the pin. Cena kicks out.
Cena hits the A.A. and gets the pin. This was a retarded match that involved BBQ sauce, a grown man in his boxer-briefs and a fire extinguisher. Ratings gold if you ask me.
Let me know what you thought of RAW in the comments. I’ll see ya next week for THREE GODDAMNED HOURS of RAW!
