The show starts off without Nickelback once again. OH THANK YOU JESUS! At least one thing is going in our favor here. But we’re treated to a Big Show’s baddest moments collection of video clips that lasts about 5 minutes. He’s a bad dude. He has an “iron-clad” contract and can do whatever he wants. Yes folks, he’s a BAAAAAAAAAAD man!
From there, we go to the ring. Michael Cole is in the ring letting us know he’s going to have his “exclusive” interview with John Cena. Well, who the hell else would bother interviewing him about a story line? Josh Matthews? That’d be a 5 second interview where Josh either: a.) stares wistfully in the distance after Cena stomps away, or b.) lands in a curtain and gets permanent brain damage after Cena clubs him.
Here’s the gist of it:
John Cena: John Laurinaitis is a power hungry bully. Unlike me, who’s just a regular bully that some people like. I didn’t get a chance to stand up for the Big Show when he was fired, because I was waiting to do it at the Pay-Per-View. I only stand up for my friends when there’s a buy-rate to worry about. Big Show ruined that for me.
Michael Cole: It’s not all about you. Big Show did what he had to do. He has a family to feed.
Gutmeister: Wait, what? Since when does Big Show have a family? I thought he got divorced? What the hell is going on here? Where are all the little Giants? Ugh.
J.C.: It’s Big Show’s fault that Big Show is at fault.
M.C.: You’re just jealous. You’re a mean girl, blah, blah, friggin-blah.
Here’s come Hoverround Johnny!
Hoverround Johnny: I’m Hoverround Johnny and I have twelve job titles. Last week, I let Big Show pick his opponent. In the interest of fairness, People Power and the American Way, I’m letting John Cena pick his opponent. Only you can’t pick Big Show (he’s not here), and you can’t pick me because I’m retired! Ha-ha! Eat it Cena!
J.C.: Ok, I pick Cole.
M.C.: <spittake> Whaaaaaa?
Hoverround Johnny: Ok, so it’s a done deal. Cena vs. Cole. The match nobody in the history of ever wanted to see. This is ratings gold!
And from there, we find out the following:
CM Punk will face Kane in a match where “there MUST BE A WINNER” and Sheamus will face Dolph Ziggler.
Commercial Time! Pizza hero y’all! Get a high score, and win a minimum wage job making shitty pizza. Maybe.