When you see two men in suits arguing on wrestling show, you know you're watching the best they have to offer.
The show starts off with a backstage moment between HHH and Big Johnny. Big Johnny stops him and basically blows smoke up his ass. Apologizing for having to see him get hurt the way he did at Brock Lesnar’s hands. Apologizing for not interfering or helping because he knew that HHH the man wouldn’t want any assistance. He’d want to fight.
HHH remains mute, mostly, saying that anything he has to say he’ll say to the entire world. And points “out there”.
We get the intro Nickelback theme this week. So it’s already off to a banner start. And then HHH’s music hits and it’s time to play the corporate jackass game.
HHH gets in the ring and starts hammering home some points. Here’s the highlights for you:
- The physical pain isn’t a big deal. Ain’t no thang.
- He’s offended by Brocks “Legitimacy” comments
- He thought when he was fighting Undertaker at WM that he was legitimately doing so.
- Brock not only offended our beloved COO, but every superstar from Hulk Hogan to Ric Flair, to Kofi Kingston, and somehow to Hornswoggle. I don’t know, but he named every wrestler he could think of.
- Brock also offended “you people”.
- Twitter Time: #TimeToPlayTheGame is trending WORLD-F*CKING-WIDE you guys!
He then goes on to say that Brock Lesnar had all the parts and talent to be big. Back in 2002, HHH thought as much. But as soon as Brock reached the top and found that he had to dig deep, get that extra little something, he quit. He went to UFC, got to the top, found it wasn’t easy, had to dig deep, get that extra little something, blah blah freakin’ blah. He quit.
Back in WWE, he quit. I’m paraphrasing, but you get the idea. This bit goes on for 20 goddamn minutes.
Paul Heyman comes out while HHH is busy tearing Brock apart verbally. And Heyman has a legal looking guy with him holding a very important envelope.
I’m not recapping all of Heyman’s comments. Let’s just say that he goads HHH into grabbing him by the face, serving him with a lawsuit from Brock for “breech of contract” and then informs HHH that he’s also being sued for assault and battery.
This entire segment served to do one thing. Set up a HHH vs Lesnar matchup for Summer Slam. That’s all it can be. And to what end? Nobody knows. If HHH wins, that ruins Lesnar worse than losing to Cena did. If Lesnar wins, HHH will want a rematch or something. I can’t take it anymore.
Get used to this image. I'm using it every time they recapped this sorry sack of shit storyline.
Now, we get a recap from Big Show insulting Big Johnny from last week on Raw. And we find out that Kane will be facing Big Show in what could possibly be his last match in ever and ever.
Now we get a Cena and Big Johnny arm-busting recap.
Now Punk’s music hits. Keep in mind, all of this is going on for over 20 minutes and we have no commercial breaks so far. Believe me, we’ll pay for this later. As Punk makes it to the ring, we get yet another GODDAMNED RECAP only this time it’s from Punk’s handicap match vs. Lord Benihana and Daniel Bryan.
Punk watches as we watch. Then Santino’s music comes on. Holy Shockmaster Jesus, Punk is tag teaming with Santino Marella and they’re facing Cody Rhodes and Daniel Bryan. Well, shit.
Still no commercials guys. I’m worried that it’s a 20 minute show, with an hour thirty of commercials and then a quick “Hustle Loyalty Respect” from Cena and we call it a night. Actually, I’m kind of wishing that’s how it worked out now that it’s over.
Anyhow, these guys start wrestling. Punk and Cody are in the ring, Bryan wants no part of that wrestling shit. Bryan is an exceptional heel. All the while, Santino is busy dipshitting around.
This would be one time I wouldn’t mind not seeing all the participants of a tag match get into the ring. Much like a Divas tag match really. Santino can contribute nothing to this match. He’s talented, but he’s such a silly character, he kind of drags the good wrestling down.
And finally. COMMERCIALS. Good thing, I gotta pee.
