Ah well. It was Raw after Wrestlemania so I tried to keep my expectations suitably lowered and somehow WWE managed to dig even deeper below what I thought was going to happen. That’s not to say it all sucked, but most of it did. Did you miss watching Wrestlemania this past Sunday? Well, you’re in luck because RAW is here to show you still photos from an event they absolutely have video footage of so you can relive the experience as if we still live in the pre-VHS days. ”Look Jake, here’s a picture of the wrasslin’ matches! No, that’s some bald guy’s head, look behind that. See? That’s the wrasslin’ fellers!”
Maybe it’s a licensing issue, I don’t know, but video on a TV program just makes more sense than a handful of Polaroid photos does. Tonight’s show was meant to deal with the aftermath of the big to-do on Sunday. And I guess it accomplished 10% of that? Somehow they have every opportunity to some really special stuff tonight after what happened at Wrestlemania, and instead, they shit the bed and do this show instead.
As always, I beg of you to let me know what you think in the comments, on Twitter or Pinterest. Be my friend, dammit, I’m so lonely.
Before the opening of the show, we’re treated to an exclusive backstage meeting with the new permanent General Manager of both Raw and Smackdown, Mr. John Laurinaitis. He’s standing at a podium used for high school graduations and has everyone sitting in folding chairs as if we’re at a shitty pep rally. He’s talking about the great changes he’s making and his first official match will be a Triple Threat for the United States Title with Santino vs. Jack Swagger vs. Dolph Ziggler. Really? A triple threat is all you got?
Mercifully, Punk interrupts him to mock him. Calls him a “toolbox” and this enrages Johnny something awful. Maybe he’s got some hidden childhood trauma that had to do with tools or boxes of some combination thereof? Anyhow, as punishment, Punk gets to defend the WWE Title against Mark Henry. TONIGHT ya’ll, Johnny ain’t playing around. His parting words are, and this is a direct quote, “Welcome to the Era of the People”. Hey, that people crap works for the Rock, why not Johnny too?
And here’s the opening title sequence with that god-awful Nickelback song.
We’re welcomed to RAW by way of “Can you smelllla-la-la-la-la-low what the Rock is cooking?” Crowd goes apeshit and Rock takes about four hours to actually get into the ring and start speaking. I thought the show was over to be honest, but they kept going anyways.
The Rock then talks about how great the show was, thank you for coming, etc. See? Wouldn’t you have thought the show was over? He goes on to reference recent history for us, apparently the Rock has obtained his Doctorate in WWE History recently and needs the hours before he can get his own class room or something. We’re treated to a trip down memory lane with the promos, the wars of words, the cereal endorsements, the boots, the asses, the strudels. It’s awful.
He plays off his arm notes as being goosebumps and goes on to give John Cena “props”. Says Cena is a hell of a man and that it was an honor. Finally he’s wrapping this shit up and says that this isn’t the end of the road, it’s simply THE BEGINNING! ZOMG! Rock’s staying around! He’s gonna be here all year and go after the WWE Title. For reals you guys!
Cena’s introspective on his catastophic loss will be coming up later tonight, but first…. nope, not a commercial. Santino’s music starts and he power walks out to the ring to get the Triple Threat Title Match underway!
Huh? Oh, hell….
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