I ask for three things, WWE. 1.) Beat Heath Slater's ass every week on TV. 2.) Funkasaurus, 3.) Ryback destroying Asian dudes named after old White Presidents
We come back to Dolph telling us how much he loved RAW’s first ever episode when he was a dorky kid. And I don’t give a damn.
For some reason, Heath Slater is in the ring and on my T.V. This guy is the worst. He’s on the microphone and wants to know why all the past superstars are being celebrated. He’s the future. He’s the one man band, somehow he dropped the rock part, and said that it’s Slater Time Slater Time Slater Time!
Of course, that means only one thing. We’re getting a former superstar to beat his ass. And we do. It’s VADER! In all his flabby, pasty pale glory. And he soundly whips the shit out of Slater. He hits the Vader Bomb and ends things. The crowd’s chanting “You still got it”. Well hell, I can do what Vader does, he’s a fat piece of shit. But he’s fun to see.
We get an actual B.A. Star promo and move on to AJ with Punk backstage. Punk reassures her that they can trust each other and he’ll take care of things if she promises to “Do Nothing Crazy!” She’s a crazy chick, that’s why you dig her CM Punk, if she doesn’t do crazy things, you won’t dig her because she won’t be a crazy chick anymore. Commercial.
And back, we have the handicap/mixed tag match. Punk and AJ vs. Bryan and Kane. Wheeeee!
Honestly, I hate Triple Threat matches and this is a prelude to a triple threat match on Sunday. This is somehow worse. It’s Punk in a handicap match, for all intents and purposes. AJ isn’t someone we care about because she’s a crazy chick and nobody knows what she’s all about.
So the match starts and it’s a match. Somehow Punk is shoved into AJ and the ref calls it a legal tag. She gets in the ring with Kane. Then she jumps up on Kane, wrapping her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist and kisses him. It’s gross. She’s built like a 12 year old girl and he’s built like a 40 year old sex offender. But it freaks him out and he tags out to Bryan.
Bryan doesn’t mind beating a woman though. But she’s quick and tags in Punk who whomps his ass and ends the match with a Macho Man elbow drop. What the serious f*ck? Kane’s still enjoying the afterglow of his female encounter and AJ sits down criss-cross-applesauce in the middle of the ring while Punk looks at her. I’m so goddamn confused.
Commercial time!
