Dan Snyder takes to the stage to address the media concerning the 2012 Washington Redskins draft strategy. In attendance are two reporters from news stations owned by Dan Snyder, a pizza delivery guy and one teenager who wandered in thinking this was the meeting for his Dungeons and Dragons team.
Danny: Thank you for coming, I’m here to talk about the plan for the 2012 Redskins draft. I appreciate you coming out to support the team, and I also appreciate the fact that you know who pays your salary. Softball question anyone?
Lackey #1: Mr. Snyder, may I say how stunningly handsome and TALL you look today sir. Thank you for taking my question.
Danny: Duly noted Lackey, you may remain employed for another few hours. Who’s next?
Lackey #2: Mr. Snyder, do you think trading the team’s first round draft picks for the next three years for a shot at drafting Robert Griffin was a smart strategy considering all of the other needs the team has going forward?
Danny: Um, security? You know what to do. Full cleansing, I never want to know this peasant existed. Inform his family of his shame and have him “erased”. Next question.
Teenager: When does the D&D meeting start?
Danny: After this, just go pop a zit or something. Here, take a few $20′s with you to wipe up with. Next?
Pizza Delivery Driver: Who ordered the large onion and anchovy pizza?
Danny: I did, put it over there and get out of here.
Pizza Delivery Driver: Sir, that will be $23.97.
Danny: Security? Erase this guy too. Danny never pays for a pie. The last dough filled atrocity I bought cost me $100 million, seriously, screw Haynesworth.
Pizza Delivery Driver: No! I have a family! I’ll accept a fourth round draft pick if you don’t have the cash! Just please, don’t kill me!
Danny: Call Bruce, have him work out the deal for that pick. Next question?
Lackey #1: Mr. Snyder, your honor sir, did you just trade the team’s fourth round draft pick to the guy from Papa John’s?
Danny: In all seriousness, I am a business man. I know what I’m doing. I love the Redskins. I rooted for them as a young child. I always wanted to be a part of the team, but as you can see, at four foot nothing tall, there’s not much need for my services on the field. They wouldn’t even let me try out! So I devised my plan and bid my time. Finally the old man kicked off and I swooped in to buy the team. Now they will know my pain and suffering. ALL OF YOU WILL SUFFER AS I HAVE!
Lackey #1: Sir? You do realize you just revealed your evil plan to thwart the Redskins chances of ever having success because of a petty grudge you’ve held since you were a teenager, don’t you?
Danny: (laughing maniacally) They will pay! THEY WILL ALL PAY!!!!!! Except me, for that pizza. Seriously, screw that guy.