In what is going to be our second to last episode for this season of Full Metal Jousting, we’re treated to the Semi Finals matchups. And it’s pretty damn brutal. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, these guys have tremendous, swaying, titanium testicles and tonight’s competition put them to the ultimate test. Not only do you have to possess gigantic brass balls to compete in jousting, you have to be slightly goddamned insane. And again, tonight’s competition proved that point.
First up, we’re treated to a little party for the jousters. They’ve set up a nice pavilion outdoors in the woods for everyone to come and enjoy a little BBQ and some wine. It’s kind of romantic actually. If they had been playing some soft violin music, you could have taken your girl on a date to watch this part of the show. Wine. Christ. WINE? These are MEN! Where’s the mead and ale? Wine. They lose ball points for drinking wine with BBQ in my book.
I may not be ballsy enough to get on a horse and joust with them, but when you pair good BBQ with wine, I’m ready to throw down. I challenge any of the jousters to a one-on-one thumb wrestling match, no holds barred. Wimps.
Anyhow, we move on to see a little pre-match practicing from Matt and Jake. Shane is calling this match a toss up. On paper, he says, it shouldn’t even be a competition. Matt is the hands down winner on paper. However, we don’t joust on paper and Jake sure as hell isn’t playing with paper dolls. He’s made it to the Semi Finals, so he’s doing something right. Remember Jake is the fat kid that was picked last for dodge ball when the season started. He shouldn’t be here. He’s defying all the odds!
During Matt’s practice, the lance shifts in his grip and smashes his little finger. It’s immediately filled with blood behind the nail. Rope Myers is apparently the team physician when they get back to the bunk house and he pulls out a needle and a pair of pliers to fix Matt up. Don’t forget, Matt also has a gash on his inner thigh from taking lance shrapnel earlier in the season. It would’ve punctured his junk, but even the lance is afraid of the mega-balls on this guy.
Rope heats the needle to sterilize it or just to add to the gruesome nature of his witch doctor surgery, I’m not sure. Then he pokes the needle into the finger nail, unleashing a gooey red ooze of blood and puss. Meanwhile, the teammates stand around eating chowder and enjoying the show. Take that as you will.
Jake, meanwhile, is practicing on Nevarro. Nevarro isn’t really cooperating with Jake so much. In fact, if I didn’t know any better I would have to guess that Nevarro is shunning the fat kid who was picked last. Like a little horse-style “up-yours” if you will. Jake has enough of his shit and switches over to Jefferson and all seems to be right in his world again.
Matt’s confident that he can win. Jake is confident that he can win. Shane is confident that on paper, Matt should win and the Jake was picked last for the team. I’m confident that I just want to see some jousting and you’re probably confident that I’m clearly rambling on here. Also, Matt mentions that he’s never once been unhorsed in competition, and that makes me wonder if he didn’t just jinx himself going into the match up.
Keep reading, click the page numbers below.