If only she'd have known about Mega Colon Rinse, she wouldn't have this problem.
I don’t watch a lot of television during non-primetime hours. When I do, it’s usually one of the shows my kids are watching on the Disney Channel or Nickelodeon. Frankly, I don’t have much patience for TV and it’s nonsense. I maybe watch 5 hours of TV a week, not counting football on Sundays. I’m talking about scripted programming. If I’m even in the same room as the TV, I’ve usually got my tablet computer, surfing the internet for the best method to lengthen my taint, or something.
But the other night, we were all in the living room, watching TV. My wife, 3 of my sons and myself. It’s a nice arrangement sometimes. We were watching some stupid show on HGTV or DIY or one of those networks that continuously gives my wife ideas for projects that I can do for her. Notice, gives her ideas for projects I can do. I don’t want to do any projects, I’m busy trying to find some chemical compound that will magically give me beautiful nipples. Thankfully, these shows are about 15 minutes of show and 15 minutes of commercials.
If you’ve watched any television lately, you’ll notice there’s a plethora of advertisements for things you really don’t want to have to hear about or explain to your kids. Viagra and Cialis ads for one. The NFL is rife with this nonsense. ”Dad, what’s an erection that lasts more than 4 hours?” ”Son, that’s f*ckin’ amazing, is what it is.” Tampon commercials, they don’t seem to bother too many people other than me, but come on. Do we really need to hear about how you’re able to take up underwater Salsa dancing lessons now that you’ve discovered Kotex? Especially while I’m trying to eat this chili cheese burrito, that now suspiciously looks a lot like your product, without a string?
As luck would have it a commercial came on for a product that, well, helps you shit. There’s no other way to put this. It’s similar to that Activia yogurt that has recently made Jamie Lee Curtis the nation’s foremost authority on everything bowel movement related. This was a supplement or a pill, or hell, quite possibly something you just jam up your ass and root around until something breaks loose. I wasn’t paying much attention. But my 9 year old was. He was sitting next to his Mother on the couch, just kinda vegging out while the commercials ran when this little woman on TV starting talking about her past troubles dropping a deuce. His response was quite simply, “EWWWW Who wants to hear about her taking a dump?”.
I tried to explain to him that sometimes an adult has to squash one out and needs medication to accomplish that. He wasn’t buying it. So I tried again. ”Aaron, look, when you get older and you’re a twenty-something Asian woman, you’ll understand that a lifetime of poor eating decisions will render you physically incapable of baking a loaf on a regular basis. It’s simply your body, nothing you should be ashamed of or grossed out by.” By this time, he was trying to clamber off the sofa and get as far away from me and the constipated Asian lady as he could get. I wasn’t ready to give in though. He needs to learn about this stuff if he’s going to survive in our world.
“Son, look, it’s not a bad thing. This poor woman hasn’t been able to squeeze out a chocolate licorice stick in quite some time. She used to weigh 200lbs before she found this pill to help her plop a pudding pop. It’s natural, don’t you see? You have got to understand that it’s not gross when a strange woman you’ve never met barges into your home, excitedly telling you about her recent success in dropping a few friends off at the lake. I know you weren’t ready for it, but that’s the world we live in. Sometimes a stranger will want you to know all about their adventures in mudbutt land.” Around this point, he was sticking his fingers in his ears and screaming “La-la-la-la-la-la”. So I’m not quite sure if my message was getting through.
So I persisted. ”Aaron, stop. Settle down. I’m trying to teach you a life lesson here and you need to be respectful enough to hear me out. Some people have troubles when trying to cook up a brown carrot. When that happens, they need products like this. What would you rather do? Get stuck not being able to get your duck to quack when you need to and wind up cooking up a batch of trouser chili? Or would you rather know that there’s a product that can help you growl out a grumper and get on with your life?”
He locked himself in his room Thursday night, and hasn’t come out since. I feel I’ve done my part.