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22Jan

WebMD Makes Me Skeptical

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Dr Quack got his medical degree with DeVry in just 6 short days!

I get daily emails from WebMD, the online doctor for people who hate doctors and are also dumb enough to self diagnose using a web site questionnaire. Anyhow, I got an email this morning from them and I have to say, they got my attention. ”Facts and Fiction About Constipation” was the subject line and I have to admit, it was intriguing.

Why was it intriguing you ask? Well give me a chance to answer I reply, eeesh. I know there are a lot of medical myths out there and WebMD is doing its part to help dispel those falsehoods. For example, did you know that you don’t actually catch a cold or the flu from going outdoors in the cold immediately after a shower? No? Well, my Mom didn’t either, and I really trusted my Mom growing up. Now that I know it’s an old wive’s tale, I can safely disregard all that other information she tried to pass off as “truth”. Things like “if you keep making that face, it’s going to freeze that way”, and “watching a dog poop gives you a sty” or even the old standard, “a bird pooping on you is good luck.” Good luck? GOOD LUCK? There’s nothing lucky about having a flying rat drop a chalky loogie of shit down your forehead. But being a kid at the time, and having no resource such as WebMD to set me straight, I took her at her word. Personally, I think she just liked seeing how gullible I was.

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21Jan

New Look, Same Tired Shit

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Yeah, I’ve updated the site. No biggie. Wanted to spruce things up a bit, and I think I accomplished it. Either way, you’re not getting any better writing or more entertaining material out of it. Just polishing up a turd.

Carry on with your day and let me know what you think about the new look!

20Jan

Don’t Squeeze the Charmin

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Dear God! Do you people EAT it or what?

Or rather, don’t abuse it. Make it last. Use just enough to get clean and move on. Hah? Am I asking too much here? Maybe I am.

Last Thursday, six days ago as I’m writing this, I purchased a 24 pack of toilet paper. Not the cheap, thin, gotta use half a roll every wipe, store brand either. This was the premium stuff. Nice, fluffy, thick and durable. Hell, it even had aloe added to it so that it conditions as it cleans. It was glorious. Now, here’s the statistics. In my house, as of right now, there are 5 people. Myself, my wife, and three of our sons. (Our oldest son is currently in basic training for the Army National Guard). We’re dealing with 5 asses in this house. Just 5. No more, no less. F-I-V-E.

To my knowledge, nobody is binging on Jamie Lee Curtis’ “Make you shit” yogurt, and none of us are into laxatives as a recreational drug. While I don’t personally make a notation everytime someone grunts out a growler, I do know that on average, a human being drops maybe two deuces a day. After chili night, maybe more, but we haven’t had any chili in a long time. We also don’t consume a lot of bran, fiber or other bacterium that might make one’s bowels open wide and let forth with a flood that will cover the Earth for 40 days and 40 nights. I’m trying to say, we’re fairly regular in the stink bomb department.

So, I bought 24 rolls of paper six days ago. In six days, to use that up, you’d have to burn through 4 rolls a day, almost an entire roll per person in the house. My kids aren’t near as big as I am, so I’m assuming their usage is less than my own. Less field to tend, less material used. That’s besides the point. I know for a fact, I can buy 4 rolls of toilet paper on Monday, and it will last me nearly two full weeks by myself, barring any trips to Golden Corral on “seafood night”.

Somehow this family has managed to decimate 24 rolls, that’s nearly 500 feet of butt wiper. In less than six days. Now, I know there’s the occasional wasted roll, where the kids decide to just unwind the entire thing because, why wouldn’t they? And I know there are instances where a woman has to wipe throughout the day that don’t involve bringing a few friends to the lake. And that’s fine too. With nearly 500 feet of ass swab, over the course of 6 days, that’s a usage rate of 83.3 feet of paper per day. Nearly 17 feet per person. SEVENTEEN FEET!!!! That’s 10 + 7 ya’ll. It’s nearly 3 grown-men tall. That’s a whole lot of cleansing power right there.

I’m under the assumption that these people I live with are eating it or hoarding it for the coming apocalypse. I can’t think of any good reason a family of five should run through enough toilet paper to make Mr. Whipple touch himself. What makes it bad is that I’m the only one who ever suffers for it. The wife somehow has magical powers of extending the last roll as if it were lamp oil and she were crossing the desert on her way out of Egypt. And the kids? Hell, they think using toilet paper just slows them down.

I’m lost folks. Does this happen in your homes or am I living on top of some ancient Indian burial outhouse?

19Jan

Need to brighten your day? Mess with a cashier.

Posted in Belly Billboard | 2 Comments

Sir, I don't know what you mean by "On the Grill". How do you want your steak cooked?

Or a waiter/waitress. It’s what I do. When I’m feeling blue, I know exactly how best to make myself smile, and that’s by screwing with a minimum wage employee of a large company somewhere. It’s great fun, and never mean spirited. I don’t treat them like trash, I just mess with them a little to see how they react.

For example. If we’re at a restaurant, and the waitress asks me what dressing I’d like on my salad, I tell her that a coat and tie would be fine. They usually start writing it before they catch on. Or, when I’m asked how I’d like my eggs, I reply “removed from the chicken’s ass”. It’s the small things that make life fun. For me. And that’s what’s important really.

Sometimes, when I’m at the store, the cashier will inform me that my purchase total is $8.37. So I hand her $11.23. Ten minutes later, I’m walking out with my change, my products and the knowledge that I just completely baffled the poor thing. It’s a win-win really.

Try it next time you’re out. It’s not a big thing but it will certainly improve your mood. ”Would you like ketchup?” ”Nope, I’m trying to quit.” They always get lost on that one. ”Trying to quit ketchup?” ”Don’t judge me! We all have our demons!”

19Jan

Dear Gutmeister – The Bless You Edition

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People, I mean Abby, is Stupid.

It’s time once again for the most famous of advice columns on the intertoilets. Dear Gutmeister. With me, Gutmeister. I’ll be taking one of Dear Abby’s recent letters, pointing out her flaws, and giving the right advice. You know, I don’t get paid to go behind Abby, cleaning up her messes and I don’t mind. I think of it as my gift to the community.

Somebody has to be willing to step in and right these wrongs. If you follow enough of Abby’s advice, you’re very likely going to wind up sitting alone in your own filth, with your lamp and toilet seat acting as your audience as you put on a one-person show for them. I imagine that show would be Cats!, but I’m just guessing. It could very well be Phantom of the Kwik-Stop.

So who’s up this week? Why it’s “Already Blessed in Iowa”. So what life shattering event has led our new friend, Already Blessed to reach out to the guru of great advice this time around? Nothing really, it’s actually pretty stupid. Maybe Already Blessed is completely alone other than her 15 cats. Let’s find out what’s going to happen.

From Already Blessed in Iowa:

DEAR ABBY: I sneeze a lot at work. I don’t know if it’s the dust or what. When I do, someone always says “bless you” afterward. I don’t care to be blessed, but I think people would be insulted if I told them it isn’t necessary. Should I tell them not to? — ALREADY BLESSED IN IOWA

Hmm. I think I see the problem. Living with 15 cats has completely screwed up your body’s chemistry and any time you’re around fresh air that doesn’t reek of cat urine, your sinuses are having a hard time adjusting to it. The rest of the office calls it “air”.

But, I digress. Let’s see what Abs has to say:

DEAR ALREADY BLESSED: If you prefer that nobody say “bless you,” you should say so. But do it before your next sneezing attack so your co-workers will be forewarned. I’m sure they’ll abide by your wishes — unless they just say it out of habit. And then it’s a knee-jerk reaction, not a blessing.

Hmmm. HMMMM. So the problem here is that this woman doesn’t like people being polite and saying “Bless You” when she sneezes out her contagious cat dander all over the place. I’m sure that would get irritating after four or five solid hours of sneezing, but think about your coworkers. They probably just want you to stop breathing and blowing snot all over the place. They have to work there too.

Does “Bless You” really offend you? I mean, REALLY OFFEND YOU? Does it get you fightin’ mad? You know what you should do? You know what I do? I say “thanks” and move on with my day. I don’t let it get to me. It’s really not a big deal that people are actually being polite to your nasty, cat-piss-reaking, freaky loner ass self. You should be thanking them with cards, flowers and gift cards to Applebys. Real live human people are taking the time to speak to you, and not about your foul odor.

Abby, you’re a fool. Tell this woman to ditch the cats, de-louse her home and take about 32 baths with Pine-sol. Learn to interact with humans, and this whole “bless you” nonsense will be a thing of the past. I’m here to improve people’s lives, not coddle them. Tough love is sometimes the best love.

18Jan

Hockey Season’s Here!

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Twice as many laughs as the original, so what's two times none?

Whoopty shit. Anyone watch hockey? Anyone? Bueller? I don’t. I did, but I don’t anymore. And I only watched it for a few games during the championship series back when the Anaheim Mighty Ducks were playing for the title. And even then I only watched it to support Emilio Estevez and his plucky team of misfit children do well. I mean, how could you NOT root for them to do well? That’s quite the accomplishment for a mediocre Hollywood actor and a team of semi-literate children to earn their way into the Stanley Cup finals.

But anyways, I live in South Carolina. We don’t have cold weather for more than a few hours a year. We do have an ice hockey rink somewhere nearby, but I think it’s more of an indoor fishing pond these days. What I’m saying is, nobody in this state even gives a damn what hockey is. If it’s not football, or baseball or basketball, at the collegiate level, it doesn’t really amount to much of a thing. These, by the way, are the same people who think it’s perfectly reasonable to sell Grits with every meal you order in every restaurant in the state, so maybe there’s some correlation there. (I’m saying, South Carolinians aren’t very smart or diverse.)

So I saw on my Facebook feed that Hockey Season is here and Miller Lite is asking us what three things we couldn’t live without. Because it’s hockey season. And a hat trick is a thing in hockey. Apparently a thing based on threes. I don’t know. It’s stupid if you ask me. I’m really struggling to figure out what the hell 3 things I couldn’t live without might have to do with hockey. The two don’t seem to go together in my mind.

I imagine they’re hoping I reply with “Miller Lite, Hockey and Boobs!!!”. Well, I’m not about to pander to these corporate shills. My three things are: Miller Lite, Boobs, and Boobs. See that? No hockey for this guy. Sorry.

17Jan

RAW Regurgitation – Big Johnny Edition

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The RAW Regurgitation

This is my first post about the WWE shows. Bear with me, I’m still finding my way. For a great recap and analysis, visit With Leather and read Brandon Stroud’s Best and Worst of RAW every Tuesday. This is going to be pitiful, I’m sure of it. I will probably miss alot of things here, but then, I have a memory about as long as my schlong.

With the WWE Royal Rumble only two weeks away, we have seen literally zero build up to the event from their flagship program, RAW. Typically, for those not in the know, WWE will build up to each and every Pay Per View event with storylines that get you interested in purchasing the show. At $45 and up, it’s a hard sell for many people who aren’t crapping cash. But, miraculously, they find ways to sell the show. Maybe people are willing to give up medication for a month or decided that Beer-Brand beer is good enough, who wants to pay for a name brand like Bud Light? Either way, for the last 4 weeks or so, the WWE has done little to nothing to build interest in the upcoming Royal Rumble event, which is the start of the Road to Wrestlemania.

Again for those of you who don’t know, the Royal Rumble match is a 30-man over-the-top-rope event. You only get eliminated when you’re literally tossed from the ring. The last man standing gets to wrestle the main event at Wrestlemania, which is the superbowl of the WWE. However, we’ve already been sitting on the marquee match since last year when Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson challenged John Cena to a match. Everything else will be fluff. That said, let’s see what happened on Raw this week. (more…)

17Jan

Watching TV With Your Kids

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If only she'd have known about Mega Colon Rinse, she wouldn't have this problem.

I don’t watch a lot of television during non-primetime hours. When I do, it’s usually one of the shows my kids are watching on the Disney Channel or Nickelodeon. Frankly, I don’t have much patience for TV and it’s nonsense. I maybe watch 5 hours of TV a week, not counting football on Sundays. I’m talking about scripted programming. If I’m even in the same room as the TV, I’ve usually got my tablet computer, surfing the internet for the best method to lengthen my taint, or something.

But the other night, we were all in the living room, watching TV. My wife, 3 of my sons and myself. It’s a nice arrangement sometimes. We were watching some stupid show on HGTV or DIY or one of those networks that continuously gives my wife ideas for projects that I can do for her. Notice, gives her ideas for projects I can do. I don’t want to do any projects, I’m busy trying to find some chemical compound that will magically give me beautiful nipples. Thankfully, these shows are about 15 minutes of show and 15 minutes of commercials.

If you’ve watched any television lately, you’ll notice there’s a plethora of advertisements for things you really don’t want to have to hear about or explain to your kids. Viagra and Cialis ads for one. The NFL is rife with this nonsense. ”Dad, what’s an erection that lasts more than 4 hours?” ”Son, that’s f*ckin’ amazing, is what it is.” Tampon commercials, they don’t seem to bother too many people other than me, but come on. Do we really need to hear about how you’re able to take up underwater Salsa dancing lessons now that you’ve discovered Kotex? Especially while I’m trying to eat this chili cheese burrito, that now suspiciously looks a lot like your product, without a string?

As luck would have it a commercial came on for a product that, well, helps you shit. There’s no other way to put this. It’s similar to that Activia yogurt that has recently made Jamie Lee Curtis the nation’s foremost authority on everything bowel movement related. This was a supplement or a pill, or hell, quite possibly something you just jam up your ass and root around until something breaks loose. I wasn’t paying much attention. But my 9 year old was. He was sitting next to his Mother on the couch, just kinda vegging out while the commercials ran when this little woman on TV starting talking about her past troubles dropping a deuce. His response was quite simply, “EWWWW Who wants to hear about her taking a dump?”.

I tried to explain to him that sometimes an adult has to squash one out and needs medication to accomplish that. He wasn’t buying it. So I tried again. ”Aaron, look, when you get older and you’re a twenty-something Asian woman, you’ll understand that a lifetime of poor eating decisions will render you physically incapable of baking a loaf on a regular basis. It’s simply your body, nothing you should be ashamed of or grossed out by.” By this time, he was trying to clamber off the sofa and get as far away from me and the constipated Asian lady as he could get. I wasn’t ready to give in though. He needs to learn about this stuff if he’s going to survive in our world.

“Son, look, it’s not a bad thing. This poor woman hasn’t been able to squeeze out a chocolate licorice stick in quite some time. She used to weigh 200lbs before she found this pill to help her plop a pudding pop. It’s natural, don’t you see? You have got to understand that it’s not gross when a strange woman you’ve never met barges into your home, excitedly telling you about her recent success in dropping a few friends off at the lake. I know you weren’t ready for it, but that’s the world we live in. Sometimes a stranger will want you to know all about their adventures in mudbutt land.” Around this point, he was sticking his fingers in his ears and screaming “La-la-la-la-la-la”. So I’m not quite sure if my message was getting through.

So I persisted. ”Aaron, stop. Settle down. I’m trying to teach you a life lesson here and you need to be respectful enough to hear me out. Some people have troubles when trying to cook up a brown carrot. When that happens, they need products like this. What would you rather do? Get stuck not being able to get your duck to quack when you need to and wind up cooking up a batch of trouser chili? Or would you rather know that there’s a product that can help you growl out a grumper and get on with your life?”

He locked himself in his room Thursday night, and hasn’t come out since. I feel I’ve done my part.

16Jan

WWE/Pro Wrestling – An Addicition

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I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I watch WWE programming. For those not in the know, get outta here. For those that do know what WWE is, then keep reading.

I grew up as a fan of the WWF. Note: the World Wildlife Foundation forced the World Wrestling Federation to change it’s name to prevent any “misunderstandings” in the public conscience. Apparently people would think they were donating to help save King Kong Bundy from taking a body slam, only to find out it was to protect an endangered koala bear or something. When I was a kid in the 80′s, I remember tuning in to USA network every weekend to watch clips of shows they taped during the week. I’d get so invested in what was going on between George “The Animal” Steele and Macho Man, that it was all I could think about. I knew it was “fake”, but I didn’t care. It was stupid, it was silly and it was big muscle bound idiots banging each other into ring posts for 20 minutes at a time. It was, simply, FUN. No thinking required, check your brain at the door and have fun.

As I got older, the product changed. It went from Hulkamania and Macho Madness to something more like a teenager’s guide to dick jokes. I’m not against a good dick joke, but these weren’t GOOD dick jokes. They were sophomoric attempts at toilet humor that fell short more often than not. Everything they did was vulgar. I like vulgar in small doses. I don’t like it for 3 solid hours. Not many people do. So I drifted away from the product.

Then, about 3 years ago, I re-discovered WWE. It had been almost a full decade since I last watched any of it. And you know what? They cleaned it up since I had left. It got silly again. Sure, they have their moments where the occasional “ass”, or “bitch” slips out. They still make awful jokes and have terrible storylines, but that’s what I grew up with. It was good because it was hokey. You didn’t REALLY believe that the Ultimate Warrior was a cosmonaut from a distant galaxy sent here to purge the WWE of inferior beings. You enjoyed what he was saying precisely because it was so bat-shit insane.

Over these last 3 years, I’ve found myself paying to watch their PPV events. A lot. In fact, the first full year of following, I think I paid for EVERY ONE of their 14 events. At roughly $40/show, that’s….well, what am I a Math major? It’s a lot of money to waste on scripted entertainment. Or is it? I’d spend about the same taking my kids to the circus and buying snacks, toys, etc. That’s easily a $200 day for us. Going to a movie? Again, that’s easily a $80 proposition for my family. So it balances out. The kids seem to enjoy the shows, they’re not invested in it by any means, but they know the performers, they enjoy them and it’s fun.

What I’m getting at is, I plan to start a weekly series here at BellyBillboard talking about that week’s shows. They broadcast RAW on Monday nights (a live show) and SmackDown on Friday nights (a taped show). I’m not going to try to do a grading scale like so many pro wrestling columnists do, I think it’s pointless. And I’m not going to try to do anything like Brandon Stroud does over at the sports web site, WithLeather. There’s no way I can be as funny or entertaining as he is when it comes to pro wrestling. But what I will do is break down the parts that I liked, that I hated and that I thought were completely ridiculous. Hopefully you’ll enjoy this new feature. If you don’t, well suck it. It’s my blog and I’ll do what I want.

Let me know your thoughts on Pro Wrestling, good, bad or pure hatred in the comments section. Expect my first article sometime this week.

16Jan

Monday Football Hangover – Divisional Round Edition

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What do you mean we're out of nachos?

As I sat watching football that didn’t include my team, I found myself enjoying the 49ers/Saints game, perhaps a bit too much. I’m not a fan of either team, but I don’t dislike either team at the same time. There are some teams I loathe with a burning hatred (Cowboys, Ravens, Patriots) and the rest I don’t generally care too much for whatsoever. And to be completely honest, I wasn’t expecting much of a game between the 49ers and the Saints.

When a team has Drew Brees and a supporting cast of very good players at nearly every spot, it seems almost stupid to think they could lose. I’ve seen Brees and company pull out big wins all year long. Saturday’s game led me to believe I was going to see it once more. But no, Alex Smith and the Harbaugh Niners made a game of it. Jumping out early to a lead, not relinquishing that lead until late in the game and then performing one of the most stunning late-game wins I’ve witnessed all season. All jokes aside, Congrats to the 49ers.

Now, onto the second Saturday game. That was a turd wrapped in some shiny paper right there. The Denver Tebows had nothing for the Bradiots. Nothing. It was almost like watching my old High School varsity team take on the Patriots. I’ve seen more competition over a stale Twinkie between two fat people. This wasn’t even a competitive competition. It was more like an exhibition whose sole purpose was to bring misery and shame on anyone who had a horsey on his helmet. Just awful. Tom the Great looked to be in top form once again, and led his marauding band of mostly white guys to a hugely lopsided victory. Ever notice that? The Patriots are the whitest team in the NFL. It’s not a racial thing, just an observation. They could be called the New England Albinos and it would make near perfect sense.

So now, onto the Sunday slate of games. The Baltimore ~~Browns~~ Ravens play host to the Houston Texans. How dumb and lazy were they that they decided to name the team the “Texans”? It’s like they just didn’t care. ”Ah, hell, we’re in Houston, let’s go with Texans. I have an appointment for a coffee high colonic at noon.” In fact, I think calling them by the zip code would have at least been a bit more intelligent. ”Now as the Ravens prepare to face off against the 77036′s, let’s break down the matchups.” What a lucky day for the Ravens. Two turnovers for 14 points. I’m not saying they couldn’t have won without those turnovers, but they couldn’t have won without those turnovers. Basically, the recovered fumble on that punt put them on the goal line. They would have had to run the wrong way not to score on that one.

And finally, the Green Bay Discount Double Checks are playing host to the NY Mediums. I’d call them Giants, but really, they got beat TWICE by the Redskins. You can’t be a Giant and lose twice to a team that seems to have just recently learned how to tie their own cleats. Even before this game kicked off, I predicted the Packers to win by at least $400 annually on car insurance. So, I tuned in hoping for a thrashing of the Giants. (As an aside, I was always hopeful they’d move the team from NY to Virginia. Wouldn’t that be awesome to see their name on the score board as the Va.Giants?) Instead, I was treated to a dismal failure by Green Bay to understand even the concept of playing football. I’ve seen blind monkeys put up a better effort.

On the plus side, I did get to enjoy plenty of cold, crisp and refreshing Miller Lite. So, in all, it was a win for the ol’ Gutmeister.

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