Monday Football Hangover – Championship Edition

So, the Redskins aren't playing?

Yeah, it was a hard weekend for the Ol’ Gutmeister. When you’re a die hard Redskins fan, it’s pretty tough to watch the playoffs. Mainly because my team is never in them anymore. But when you add in the fact that 3 of the 4 teams playing in the championship games are teams I simply cannot stand, it makes for a rough day of football viewing.

Enough of my pity party, let’s talk about the games. First on the schedule was the Ravens vs. the Patriots. If there was any way it could be possible for two teams to lose the same game, this was the one time I needed it to happen. I cannot stand the Ravens at all. The reasoning goes back to how the Colts snuck out of town leaving all of Baltimore to wonder what the hell was going on. Then to have the Browns sneak INTO town much the same way, and see these people support them like it was a great thing just sickens me. Plus, Ray Lewis.

The Patriots have Belichick and Brady and frankly I can’t believe they’re allowed to participate in the human race, let alone professional sports. One is a grumpy, never satisfied, irritable bowel of a man and the other is Belichick. It was, however, a really good game. Lots of back and forth, a good showing for the defenses and it was a well paced game. Congrats to the Bradiots for sending the Baltimore Browns back home.

The next game had the Giants vs. the 49ers. Oh god. The Giants. The same team that the Redskins managed to put a beat down on twice during the regular season and they still manged to get into the championship game. It’s hard to believe. And god, this game was BORING until the 4th quarter. I mean, it literally felt like that game wasn’t ever going to end. Not that it wasn’t a close game, or a well played game, but it was B-O-R-I-N-G to watch. I’d have had more excitement watching flies fornicate.

When it got to overtime though, the game really took off. There was finally a sense of urgency between the teams, like they actually might want to try to win this thing. And even though it was raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock, they played hard. Congrats to the Giants I guess.

So now, we get a week off from football until the Superbowl, and that means I have to watch the Senior Bowl if I want anything resembling football. Ugh.

Monday Football Hangover – Divisional Round Edition

What do you mean we're out of nachos?

As I sat watching football that didn’t include my team, I found myself enjoying the 49ers/Saints game, perhaps a bit too much. I’m not a fan of either team, but I don’t dislike either team at the same time. There are some teams I loathe with a burning hatred (Cowboys, Ravens, Patriots) and the rest I don’t generally care too much for whatsoever. And to be completely honest, I wasn’t expecting much of a game between the 49ers and the Saints.

When a team has Drew Brees and a supporting cast of very good players at nearly every spot, it seems almost stupid to think they could lose. I’ve seen Brees and company pull out big wins all year long. Saturday’s game led me to believe I was going to see it once more. But no, Alex Smith and the Harbaugh Niners made a game of it. Jumping out early to a lead, not relinquishing that lead until late in the game and then performing one of the most stunning late-game wins I’ve witnessed all season. All jokes aside, Congrats to the 49ers.

Now, onto the second Saturday game. That was a turd wrapped in some shiny paper right there. The Denver Tebows had nothing for the Bradiots. Nothing. It was almost like watching my old High School varsity team take on the Patriots. I’ve seen more competition over a stale Twinkie between two fat people. This wasn’t even a competitive competition. It was more like an exhibition whose sole purpose was to bring misery and shame on anyone who had a horsey on his helmet. Just awful. Tom the Great looked to be in top form once again, and led his marauding band of mostly white guys to a hugely lopsided victory. Ever notice that? The Patriots are the whitest team in the NFL. It’s not a racial thing, just an observation. They could be called the New England Albinos and it would make near perfect sense.

So now, onto the Sunday slate of games. The Baltimore ~~Browns~~ Ravens play host to the Houston Texans. How dumb and lazy were they that they decided to name the team the “Texans”? It’s like they just didn’t care. ”Ah, hell, we’re in Houston, let’s go with Texans. I have an appointment for a coffee high colonic at noon.” In fact, I think calling them by the zip code would have at least been a bit more intelligent. ”Now as the Ravens prepare to face off against the 77036′s, let’s break down the matchups.” What a lucky day for the Ravens. Two turnovers for 14 points. I’m not saying they couldn’t have won without those turnovers, but they couldn’t have won without those turnovers. Basically, the recovered fumble on that punt put them on the goal line. They would have had to run the wrong way not to score on that one.

And finally, the Green Bay Discount Double Checks are playing host to the NY Mediums. I’d call them Giants, but really, they got beat TWICE by the Redskins. You can’t be a Giant and lose twice to a team that seems to have just recently learned how to tie their own cleats. Even before this game kicked off, I predicted the Packers to win by at least $400 annually on car insurance. So, I tuned in hoping for a thrashing of the Giants. (As an aside, I was always hopeful they’d move the team from NY to Virginia. Wouldn’t that be awesome to see their name on the score board as the Va.Giants?) Instead, I was treated to a dismal failure by Green Bay to understand even the concept of playing football. I’ve seen blind monkeys put up a better effort.

On the plus side, I did get to enjoy plenty of cold, crisp and refreshing Miller Lite. So, in all, it was a win for the ol’ Gutmeister.

Monday Football Hangover – Wild Card Weekend.

NFL Defensive Coordinator or Keeper of the Ring? You decide

Well now, the Redskins were eliminated from playoff contention sometime around September I believe. So I knew I wouldn’t have anyone to really root for this weekend. Thus, I didn’t actually watch more than 15 minutes of any game that was on. I tried on Sunday to watch the Giants in the hopes that they would crash and burn against the Falcons, but much like a career circus clown, I felt both ashamed, betrayed and humiliated when seeing this game unfold. It was clear to me that by half time, the New York Mannings were going to be triumphant. At least they get to lose next week in Green Bay, so there’s that.

In Redskins news, however, the team’s coaching staff “Larry, Darrell and Darrell” or rather, Mike Shanahan, Kyle Shanahan, Little Joe Shannahan, Jim-Bob Shanahan, Bobby-Joe Shanahan and ~~Gollum~~ Jim Haslett get to coach the South Team in the college Senior Bowl on January 28th. Hey! It’s post season and they’ll be working with competent football players, I wonder how badly they’ll get stomped this year?

In other news, I managed to drink a case of Rolling Rock this weekend, and ate disgusting amounts of Roast Beef from my grill. So it was mostly a win for the ol’ Gutmeister. Oh and how the roast beef was excellent. I had a 7lb eye of round roast on the smoker with applewood chips, until just rare, removed it, sliced it up and ate like a king from the day’s of old. I even had my wench bring me goblets of mead. Or rather, I asked the wife if she’d like another glass of wine while I was up getting my own damned beer. Same thing really when you adjust for inflation.

Next week, it’s New Orleans vs. San Francisco, New York vs. Green Bay, Denver’s Tebows vs. New England and Houston (holy shit, they have a team now?) vs. Baltimore’s “We-Used-To-Be-The-Browns” Edgar Allen Poes. Stellar football on tap, I’m sure. In fact, the only game anyone won’t know the inevitable outcome to is the Saints vs. 49ers game. And why? We don’t know, there’s just something about a team that’s been totally irrelevant for most of the last two decades, that all of a sudden has one good year in the worst division in all of professional sports. And that’s the wow factor.

Monday Football Hangover – Week 15

The Redskins Won? Whodathunkit?

Aaaaand, who the hell was wearing the Redskins uniforms yesterday?? Admittedly, I was drinking during the game, but I’ve never had that kind of hallucination before. They played like a team that knew what football was for a change. And I’m sure the Giants sympathizers will come out of the woodworks to tell me that the Redskins didn’t win, the Giants just lost. And I’m sure I would say to those people, “Suck it”.

Even though Grossman threw two interceptions in three possessions, the Redskins managed to hold the Giants to just 10 points all day. Eli was befuddled, even more so than usual. The stout and storied Giants defensive line was mostly held in check by rookie running back sensaction Roy Helu and the Redskins receivers managed to make a few plays for a change.

In all, it was a good day to be a Redskins fan. A bad day to be a Giants fan and it’s never a good time to be a Cowboys fan. Those people are obnoxious. So, I’ll leave it at that. Hail to the Redskins, and may this be the start of a turn around in Landover, MD.

Monday Football Hangover – Revenge of the Ref

Hey Ref, I got your personal foul right here!

Aaaaaaand, the Redskins lost another game. Not a huge surprise considering they had to face off against the New England Patriots, but to be honest it was a really good game. (mostly) See, the Redskins aren’t known for, how do they put it, winning an awful lot of their games, at least not over the last decade or so. But they’ve always been a decent enough team, at times, to make you think they’re turning the corner towards being mediocre for a change. This Sunday’s game was no different.

Facing the Bradiots, the Redskins managed to put up their best offensive game of the year, they went score for score with Belichek and company until the very end. The problem, my friend, is that the ref’s calls were blowing out their asses. I’ve seen some horrible officiating all season, all over the league, but yesterday simply took the cake. London Fletcher, that angry guy you see up there above, is one of the classiest players in all of the NFL. Almost never loses his cool, accepts that others are simply human and can and will make mistakes. But then, he was called for a personal foul when he tackled the Golden Child Tom Brady during a run in which Tommy neglected to start his slide (which would have saved his pwecious wittle body from harm) and Fletcher drilled him right in the torso. A legal hit on 99.99% of the players in the NFL, unless your name is spelled Tom Brady.

Hell, to Brady’s credit, even he admitted it was a clean hit and shouldn’t have been flagged. Fletcher was frothing at the mouth, and I honestly thought he was about to go all up in that referee’s anus with his size 12 cleats. And you know what? Even the announcers during the game said that he would have been justified in hitting that referee.

It’s a sad thing when officiating can dictate the outcome of a game, and when your team is struggling and you have to play not only a perennial championship contender, but you also have to play against the officiating crew, you’re bound to lose. So this week, I’m not mad or upset at the Redskins for losing, no, I put the blame squarely on the referees’ backs, they blew it and I hope they all get pubic lice.

Monday Football Hangover – Just Kill Me

What. The. Serious. F*ck?

Ah, so the Washington Redskins proved to us once again that they’re utter and total failures at the game of Football. How in the hell can you lose to the Jets when you basically owned them through one half of the game? Oh, maybe it’s because your Offensive Coordinator smeared his crayon sketch of the playbook and couldn’t read it properly, so he decided “Screw it, we’re goin’ deep on every play!”. I don’ t know to be honest, I’m not a professional.

It’s sad to see a once-proud franchise turn into the Keystone Kops since being purchased by a media mogul who stands 3 apples high (but only if he’s wearing lifts). Dan Snyder is to good football what a double-quarter pounder with cheese is to good heart health.

At any rate, I was able to enjoy a lot of ice cold beer, and that’s really all that matters. Oh, and then my wife and I headed out to the steakhouse where I devoured what had to be at least 2/3 of a cow. Then to top it all off, she permitted me to take her shoe shopping.

I think my Sunday was a literal shit-sandwich. Only the bread was shit and the filling was sweet, sweet animal meat.

Monday Football Hangover – Week 11

Hate to see that timeout go to waste.

So, the Redskins hosted Dallas this weekend in a rematch of a division rivalry that saw the Redskins lose, in Dallas, to the Cowboys earlier this year. That wasn’t really a shocker to me. Any time these teams meet up, there’s always a chance that either team can win. It doesn’t matter if one is undefeated and the other is winless, records go out the window anytime it’s Redskins vs. Cowboys.

Unfortunately, in the series history, the Cowboys have beaten the Redskins 62 times to 40 times with 2 ties. That’s pretty lopsided if you just look at that statistic. That’s not quite an even split, if you know basic math. So any time this game comes up on the schedule, fans of either team are circling it on their calendars, making special plans to view it and root for their team to be victorious. As I do. And this year, I’ve been shit on exactly twice.

Yesterday’s game, going in, I knew the Redskins were going to get beaten. I just felt it in my heart. They’ve been bad lately, and getting worse. The Cowboys, conversely, have been getting more consistent each week and winning with confidence. My only hope was that we’d have a close game, to be honest. Hell, even the Las Vegas Sportsbooks had this game with Dallas at minus 8. That means the Redskins, as far as the sportsbook was concerned) were being spotted 8 points in this game. That’s almost unheard of.

So, the game starts, and the officiating is horrible. I think they should have a reserve crew of officials on hand at every game and switch their asses out if they make 2 bad calls throughout the day. Even the announcers disagreed with the calls. There were questionable holding penalties on the offense, and when the Dallas defense would all but have forced buttsex with our receivers, all that was called was “Defensive Holding”. It used to be interference didn’t it?

Anyhow, we manage to get to the 4th quarter, down by 7 and the Redskins being led by Sexy Rexy manage to drive down the field and tie the game to force it into overtime. FINALLY, I’m thinking, we have a chance to not only break this losing streak, but to beat Dallas so I don’t have to hear shit from all my asshole Dallas friends. We get close, and our kicker misses the game winning field goal. Just like he did earlier in the game and could have given us enough points to win without going into overtime. Graham Gano is likely going to be booted to the curb real soon.

The Cowboys take possession and drive down the field. They’re out of time outs and lining up for a game winning field goal of their own. The play clock nears zero, Tony Romo tries to call a time out that they don’t have and should have been assessed a delay of game penalty and moved back 5 yards. (remember this it’s important) But instead, for some reason only known to Satan and Shanahan, the Redskins called a time out right before the play clock expired to give Dallas a freebie and avoid the penalty. They line back up, kick the game winner and once again the Redskins lose.

Remember that 5 yard delay-of-game penalty? If you watched the kick that won the game, you’d know if he had to back up 5 yards and make that exact same kick, it wouldn’t have been good and the game would have continued, the Redskins would have regained possession of the ball and had a chance to win it in spite of themselves and some horrid officiating. But nah, who wants that? Shanahan must have thought he’d be charged for the Time Out anyways, so he might as well use it.

I almost put my fist into my TV I was so mad. This is why the Redskins cannot win games. Pitiful decision making from the top down. And DeAngelo Hall. F*ck that guy.

Belly Billboard

What What? On My Gut!