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The NFL Schedule Was Released Last Night

3575687149 9b217f4dfa 300x207 The NFL Schedule Was Released Last Night

The NFL Schedule has been released? Whoopty shit.

Yay?  I mean, honestly if you wanted to know who your team would be playing this year, you could look it up on the NFL web site, or hell even on Wikipedia.  The only thing you didn’t know was what time and if you were getting a non-Sunday game out of the deal.

How is this such a big deal in the world of sports?  I don’t get it.  It’s the release of the schedule for god’s sake, it’s not the start of the season.  At the end of the day, you now have a more organized list of your team’s opponents, and that’s pretty much it.  How dumb is that?

And yet, ESPN, NFL Network, Sports Illustrated and all the other hangers-on are out there acting as though we’re about to be gifted the lost scriptures or something.  Please.

Next up in the NFL’s year-round coverage of anything but the actual game of football will be the 2012 NFL Draft.  This has become an event unto itself over the years.  All major sports host a draft of their own to acquire and distribute new young talent throughout their respective leagues, and yet, only the NFL has managed to turn theirs into a big deal.

We rent out Radio City Music Hall, we have LIVE television coverage spanning the entire four days this mess takes, and we have analysts at the ready to discuss and dissect every decision made as it’s made and for weeks after it’s been made.  This is just proof that we need a Spring league for the NFL, something tangible to keep our sportscasters busy.

If I have to hear one more human interest story about Tony Romo’s golf game or “random player x does something random in his downtime” I think I might lose my goddamned mind.

Redskins add Leigh Torrence To Defense…Nobody knows why

torrence Redskins add Leigh Torrence To Defense...Nobody knows why

This is the highlight of his career with the Redskins

In recent news, the Washington Redskins have announced the signing of Leigh Torrence to help bolster their defensive secondary.  Leigh, as you may or may not remember, was once a Redskin back in 2006 – 2008.  While he was with the team, he managed to rack up 42 tackles, on sack and 2 passes defended.  He was waived on November 8th, 2008 and signed by the Saints on Nov. 10.

I say all that to put this in perspective.  The guy was on the team before.  He was mostly unspectacular during his tenure with the Redskins.  He went to New Orleans, failed to collect Gregg Williams bounties, and was mostly unremarkable for the Saints over the past three seasons.

williams 300x199 Redskins add Leigh Torrence To Defense...Nobody knows why

Gregg the Bounty Hunter doesn't have the same ring to it as "Dog" does.

In fact, while with the Saints, he’s played in 73 games with one start.  ONE start in 73 games.  Well, sure, yeah, let’s sign this guy!  He’s a game changer!  The idea that he’ll add anything other than another practice squad body to the mix is ridiculous.  I’m sure he’s a great guy and tries his best, but he’s not anything to get excited over.

water boy 220x300 Redskins add Leigh Torrence To Defense...Nobody knows why

At least I'm not on the practice squad

This is like announcing the signing of a new water boy.  Hell, the signing of a new water boy is even better than this news.  At least the water boy contributes to the team and is in EVERY GAME.  He shows up, does his job quietly and the team carries on like the drug addled hallucination well oiled machine they are.

I guess being in Personnel for a NFL team means taking the bad with the worse sometimes and that’s pretty much what just happened with this acquisition.  I don’t expect to see Torrence on the opening day roster, and you shouldn’t either.

haynesworth 292x300 Redskins add Leigh Torrence To Defense...Nobody knows why

Shoulda flushed that turd long ago.

On the upside?  At least they didn’t pay him $100 million to be a fat lump of shit.

NIKE Unveils NFL Uniforms Today – Edgy Doesn’t Mean What They Think It Means

It was a big ball of hype by a bunch of people that were really looking forward to seeing some style FINALLY come to the field in the NFL.  Reebok has held the rights to uniforms for the last decade and they were slightly more interesting than Rec League uniforms for kids.

Nike has been known to turn out some wild uniforms recently for the college level players.  Here’s an example:

ducks 200x300 NIKE Unveils NFL Uniforms Today Edgy Doesnt Mean What They Think It Means

Oregon Ducks by Nike

Now, say what you will about the colors but that uniform gets noticed.  It’s different, it stands out and it’s nothing like the boring old standards that have permeated the sport of football for nearly a century.  It’s exciting even if you hate it.  It’s got pizazz!

Now, let’s look at the NFL uniforms, shall we?

all32 300x194 NIKE Unveils NFL Uniforms Today Edgy Doesnt Mean What They Think It Means

Meh

Now, on Twitter, the players and league reps are all saying the right things.  ”Oooh, that uniform is sick!  Look at the Elite 51 series by Nike!  The players are soooo excited, you guys!”   Bullshit.  NOBODY thinks these goddamned uniforms are anything special.  They’re BORING and they’re BLAND.  And in one case, even the colors are wrong.

seahawks uni 225x300 NIKE Unveils NFL Uniforms Today Edgy Doesnt Mean What They Think It Means

Seattle Seahawks, now with 99% more purple.

Since when are the Seahawks a team with purple in it’s uniform?  Even just a little bit?  Now the entire goddamned thing is purple with nausea-green highlights.  It’s what Tim Burton would design if he were in charge of uniforms for Seattle.  The only thing missing is a comically oversized top-hat style helmet.

JEEEEEZUS Christ, if this is what passes for cutting edge or, “edgy” then I’d really be loathe to see what they call “boring”.  This shit sucks.  Here’s a closer view of the AFC East.  What’s really different here?  Besides the clown shoes, I mean?

afc east 300x224 NIKE Unveils NFL Uniforms Today Edgy Doesnt Mean What They Think It Means

At NIKE, we don't know what edgy means.

Hell, even the Panthers own Jonathan Stewart is finding it hard to say anything remotely positive about this shit.

Yeah, you people look at these.  He’s not committing one way or the other to this pathetic attempt at “edgy”.  And I don’t blame him.  Next thing you know he’s getting sponsored to model knee socks and half-shirts.  Nobody wants to be that guy.

Brian Orakpo of the Redskins has the right idea though.  He’s showing us a closeup of the new Redskins Clown Cleats, no comment however:

And here’s the shoe in question:

skinscleat 225x300 NIKE Unveils NFL Uniforms Today Edgy Doesnt Mean What They Think It Means

Best thing to do with a shoe that ugly is to shove it up the Nike design team's ass.

10 Things Wrong With Albert Breer’s Article

albert breer 10 Things Wrong With Albert Breers Article

This guy gets paid for this shit. And I don't?

Ok, I was reading the NFL.com web site today so sue me.  I’m missing football in the worst ways.  I actually get withdrawl shakes and cold sweats when I turn on the TV on Sunday only to find there’s nothing worth watching until Jousting at 10pm.  I’m dying here.  So yes, I went over to NFL.com to get the latest.  And instead of good football news, I’m treated to this horseshit from Albert Breer - No telling what could happen this week at NFL Annual Meeting

Let me break it down for you as Albert seems to be missing the mark completely.  My comments will be in italics, while the original pieces of the article will be bold.  Now you can follow along at home.

The NFL Annual Meeting is always more about the part of the league you don’t see than the part you do.

Yes, it’s about the naked old-man orgies and the near derelict desire to acquire more money than God himself.  This is so much not news.

Saints’ punishment

The NFC coaches breakfast, when all 16 of the conference’s coaches are available to the media, is set for Wednesday morning. Sean Payton might talk then. He might talk sooner. And he’ll have plenty of questions to answer. Who will take his place in the coming weeks? And for the 2012 season? Then, we have the issue of discipline for Saints players like Jonathan Vilma and ex-Saints like Scott Fujita and Tracy Porter.

And we also must know what happens to Gregg Williams and his ilk.  Were they wrong to offer bounties?  Yes.  Were the unique in doing so?  Absolutely not.  Is this just heavy handed bullshit from an overreaching Commissioner hellbent on leaving his personal stink on every single issue that comes up?  Well of course.  Roger Goodell is a moron who obviously has penis length issues.  Let’s go ahead and buy him some Enzyte and hire a hooker to act in awe of his massive earth crushing penis.  Maybe that will cure what ails him.

There’s more, click the page numbers!

Pages: 1 2 3 4

Apple Inc = Homer Simpson?

dunno 300x220 Apple Inc = Homer Simpson?For the fourth year running, Apple Inc.’s latest prototype iPhone has gone missing launching a global investigation into the unfortunate incident.  I’m beginning to wonder if they don’t have a cast of bumbling cartoon characters working undercover in their labs.  This happens when Apple is putting the finishing touches on their latest and greatest technological innovation for this thing.

 

gotyernose 300x225 Apple Inc = Homer Simpson?Personally, I think Steve Jobs’ old company is playing a global version of “got yer nose” with the public.  You know how you can keep a toddler entertained for hours by sticking your thumb between your fingers and touching their face, saying “I got yer nose!  hee hee, ha ha!”  And in this case, the toddler is the general public.

When the first iPhone prototype went missing, everyone was all like “Ooooooh!  Shady corporate espionage is at play, I wonder if Bill Gates sent his nerd ninjas in to dismantle Apple?”   And an executive for the Chinese manufacturer actually committed suicide over the missing phone. Holy shit!  I love my gadgets, but I’m damn sure not gonna off myself because I can’t find my Samsung tablet.

Homer Agent1 Apple Inc = Homer Simpson?


Now this time, I fully suspect Homer Simpson was involved.  First, it was lost in a bar.  In San Francisco.  And nobody knows exactly where the hell Springfield is really located, so it could totally be California somewhere.  Next, you’re carrying around an enormously expensive Apple iPhone prototype, that as we witnessed before, is so precious that Gollum himself would commit suicide if you were to throw it into the volcano at Mordor.  But you’re gonna shove it in the pocket of your Dockers and head down to the bar for a few Mojitos and leave it on the bar?  That’s totally something Homer Simpson would do. 

 

gollum Apple Inc = Homer Simpson?And for the final nail in Homer’s coffin, I submit that the stories being shared cannot be corroborated by police.  Police, who should be protecting the citizens of their city by the way, who are being sidelined because Steve Jobs’ precious went missing.

 

 

 

Hey Apple, if you need help with crafting a “LOST – iPhone” poster, hit me up!  My gut’s always for rent!

Only in South Carolina

rainbowpotty Only in South Carolina

From the local news web site, I offer you this headline:

Police Chief in SC Resigns Over Facebook Post  Yeah, that’s my state alright.  According to the article, the Police Chief in question posted some uncouth photos on his Facebook page and the Mayor, whom I can only assume is a direct descendant of Mayor McCheese, forced him to resign.

Apparently the photograph that caused all the ruckus was of a porta john, with the words “Mexican Spaceship” handwritten on it.  Now, far be it for me to get into racial squabbles, but I’ve always heard them called “Mexican Crockpots”.  So, I can imagine why one might be a bit upset to see it labelled incorrectly.

However, it’s apparently in poor taste for any high ranking South Carolina official to insult the official state mascot, the porta-shitter.  I think there’s a Country song in this story somewhere.

Stop or I’ll Shoot….my penis!

meatball Stop or Ill Shoot....my penis!So, yeah, this was the headline from AZCentral.com:

Police urge holster use after man shoots his own penis

Excuse me will I sympathetically cringe and hold my own junk for a little bit.

From the article:

As Chandler residents Joshua Seto, 27, and his fiancée, Cara Christopher, walked over to a Fry’s Food Store for refreshments, he tried securing her pink handgun in the front waistband of his pants.

The gun fired, striking Seto’s penis and continuing through his left thigh. The bleeding started immediately and was heavy, according to police dispatch recordings released Sunday.

I have some questions, personally, but shooting your own penis pretty much tells me most of what I need to know already.  How did this guy figure it was a good idea?  I know, TV and Movies show people doing this all the time.  Grab your gun, shove it in your waistband and keep on going right?  Wrong.  Here’s a little tip for anyone else thinking this might be the best way to carry your firearms.  Cartoons aren’t real.  The ACME Corporation doesn’t exist, and even if they did, you’ll have to wait more than 10 seconds for your rocket-propelled roller blades to show up before you can chase down the Roadrunner.

Oh, and the police have some really helpful advice for you so you can avoid shooting your penis.
Use a holster for your gun.  Apparently your BVD’s aren’t adequate.  That’s some good
police work right there.  Makes me proud to live in South Carolina.

The reason they do this in TV and Movies is because, pay attention now, their guns aren’t real.  Bruce Willis never actually stopped a terrorist attack, and Kevin James isn’t really a Mall Cop.  I’m fairly certain that Robert DeNiro isn’t an ex-CIA agent who terrorizes his son in law with wacky hijinx either.

Anyhow, guns (especially PINK guns) and penises don’t mix.  That’s my public service announcement for today.