Tagged: nfl

This is the headline on NFL.com as of the time I’m writing this.

gronkowski 300x218 Today in No Shit, Sherlock, the NFL Edition

Bill Belichick has gone on record stating that Rob Gronkowski is a “football player”.  Well shit.

All this time I thought he was a well-meaning, yet naive bartender at a place where everybody knows your name.  Wait, no, that was Woody Harrelson portraying Woody Boyd.

woody 211x300 Today in No Shit, Sherlock, the NFL Edition

Obviously not Rob Gronkowski

Ok, so he had to be the tough, yet understanding Principal of an inner city high school who had to oversee not only student drama, but staff and teacher drama on a weekly basis.  Shit, nope, that was Chi McBride as Steven Harper.

chimcbride Today in No Shit, Sherlock, the NFL Edition

Considering Rob Gronkowski is white, this is another dead end.

So, well son of a bitch, who is it I’m thinking of?  I know Gronkowski is employed in the Boston area, he interacts with the public in execution of his duties and he’s mostly well loved.  Ah, I’ve got it!  He’s the coach of the Boston Bruins!

Julien Claude Today in No Shit, Sherlock, the NFL Edition

White guy, at least I’m back on the right track.

Nope, that’s Claude Julien.  So, I guess through the process of elimination Rob Gronkowski is in fact, a FOOTBALL PLAYER who has been employed by the New England Patriots professional NFL football team since 2010.  He’s played the position commonly referred to as “Tight End” and only appears during offensive series for the aforementioned Patriots football team.

This leads me to believe that Bill Belichick is either a.) the smartest man in the history of the sport, or b.) a clueless dipshit who hates giving praise to his best players, regardless of the question asked or the circumstances under which he is prodded for his input.

joe flacco.jpg 10983 202x300 Ravens Joe Flacco Believes Hes An Elite QB, Is Also A Dumbass

Never in the history of the NFL has there been a more elite, more powerful, more competent uni-brow.

Beleaguered starting quarterback and future used car salesman Joe Flacco believes that he is an elite quarterback.  He’s the only person on the face of the earth, aside from maybe his mother, who believes this to be the case.

Somewhere along the line, Joe Flacco confused the term “elite” with “kinda ok”. And I don’t hold him completely at fault on this one.  Hell, if I was the starting quarterback for an NFL franchise, I’d like to believe that I was elite too.  I mean, it’s not like they just let ANYONE have that position, you have to bring something special, something extra, to the table.

What something “special” does Flacco bring to the table in Baltimore?  Immeasureables like lushness of the unibrow.  He leads the league in delusional arguments with the media.  He’s a world-class whiny bitch and above all that he’s the shiniest of three turds at the quarterback position on the Ravens roster.

That’s got to count for something, right?  But maybe, just maybe, there’s something behind all this smoke he’s blowing.  Let’s look at a quote from a prominent NFL quarterback who was discussing Joe Flacco earlier this year:

Without a doubt. What do you expect me to say?” he queried. “I assume everybody thinks they’re a top-five quarterback. I mean, I think I’m the best. I don’t think I’m top-five, I think I’m the best. I don’t think I’d be very successful at my job if I didn’t feel that way. I mean, c’mon? That’s not really too tough of a question. But that doesn’t mean that things are gonna work out that way. It just means that that’s the way it is, that’s the way I feel it is, and that’s the way I feel it should be.

Of course, the quarterback I just quoted is Joe Flacco.  That shouldn’t color your opinion of his bestestness in the world claims though!  This is a direct quote from a starting NFL Quarterback.  And if anyone knows anything about the quarterback position, it’s probably not Joe Flacco.

Look, I believe in positive thinking and daily affirmations, they’re useful tools to build your self-esteem and your confidence.  They make you feel good about yourself and everyone should be allowed to feel good about themselves.

Where I draw the line is when your delusions spill out into the open.  I don’t believe in the Boogey Man anymore than I believe that Joe Flacco is a “top 5″ quarterback.  I don’t believe that giant space dildoes will invade the earth, and my only protection is a can of Raid Ant & Roach spray and a hat made from a Taco Bell five-dollar box, anymore than I believe Joe Flacco will ever be considered an elite quarterback.

On the other hand, if this football thing comes to an end, he’s got a great future in going the Tony Robbins route and teaching people to believe in themselves even when there are mountains of evidence that prove you should never believe in yourself.  He could call it “Joe Flacco’s An Idiot and You Can Too!”

No matter how many times you say “I’m a dragon-slaying, teleporting, magical garden gnome” it’s not going to come true, and you’re not going to convince anyone else that it’s true either.

 

robert griffin3 300x180 Robert Griffin III makes Michael Irvin Eat His Coke Addled Ramblings

Robert Griffin III Excels in Professional Debut! Also – gives no shits about Michael Irvin

Yesterday was the first Sunday of the 2012 NFL Football Season and it couldn’t have come soon enough.  After 7 awful, boring months, we got on field action.  And it was a banner day.  5 Rookie Quarterbacks took the field for their respective teams.

Among them was Redskins second overall pick Robert Griffin III.  I am an unashamed life-long fan of the Washington Redskins and it was hard to not get caught up in the hype all during the offseason.  But I was hopeful.

Michael Irvin, formerly of the Dallas Cowboys had a different opinion yesterday during the NFL Network Pre-Game show.  When asked what Robert Griffin III had to do to consider his day successful, Irvin lost his mind.  I don’t have an exact quote, but I’ll paraphrase:

“I’ve seen RG3 on TV this morning at least 12 times.  10 of them while doing commercials and endorsements.  To me, he hasn’t earned that right to make that money.  Now that he’s done all the commercial work, he can’t be considered successful by merely winning through short passes and handoffs.  He can’t rely on the defense.  He has to perform.  He has to air the ball out.  He has to WOW us, because he’s already acting like a star.”

What?  Seriously?  Not 5 minutes prior to saying this, he said that Peyton Manning didn’t have to perform to consider his day a success.  All Peyton needed in Irvin’s mind, was to win.  No matter how that win came about, winning is all that matters in this league.

michael irvin Robert Griffin III makes Michael Irvin Eat His Coke Addled Ramblings

When you’re high as f*ck, you smile when you’re arrested.

So, one has to wonder what the difference in opinion is all about.  If one quarterback is successful in winning, but another has to impress the exhalted Michael Irvin from high atop his mountain of cocaine and hookers, we have to assume there’s a level of intense jelaousy on Mr. Irvin’s part.  Maybe he wishes he had gotten endorsement deals as a rookie, making double his NFL salary from before day one?

Maybe Irvin is still such a Cowboy’s homer, that he can’t be impartial in a discussion about a young man who can play at an extremely high level.  Maybe, just maybe, Irvin is a twat-faced, opinionated asshole?  That’s the one I’m going with.

Further, RG3 not only won his debut game, he did it in fascinating fashion.  Lighting up the New Orleans Saints defense for 320 passing yards in 26 attempts, completing 19 of them.  His first 7 passes connected.  He threw two touchdowns and never lost his poise in the pocket.  His rushing stats weren’t too shabby either.  On 10 runs, he racked up 42 yards.  That’s better than most Running Backs can muster, with a 4.2 yard-per-carry average.

I’m hoping Irvin sobers up enough this week to eat his words and issue a public retraction of his comments.  Sorry your glory days are behind you Michael, but this kid is for real.

And beyond all this, I’m sure RG3 could give less than a shit about what Michael Irvin thinks of anything, at all.

Hail To The Redskins!

NFL Logo y8y8 300x225 Oh Thank GOD FOOTBALL IS BACK!

It’s quite literally like crack for sports fans.

If you’re not an NFL fan, then you can go soak your head, this article won’t interest you in the least.  And you can continue soaking your head, because I don’t want to be your pal anymore.

That said, we’re finally back to NFL regular season football.  With the Super Bowl Champion Giants facing division rival Dallas Cowboys tonight to kick off the season, we finally get football once again.

And that’s a good goddamn thing.  I’m about tired of USA Original series, AMC’s endless repeat marathons of Mad Men and every other stop-gap “What the hell, it’s summer” program that the cable networks have been shoving down our throats.

I’m not a huge baseball fan.  Never have been.  I’ll watch the playoffs a little bit, perhaps, but honestly football is where my heart is.  It’s violent.  It’s dangerous. It’s GLORIOUS!   And as a Redskins fan, I don’t have a dog in the fight tonight other than to say “Anybody but Dallas”!   Because, seriously?  Screw those Cowpies.

I’ve got beer.  I’ve got steaks.  My ass-groove in the couch is just about perfect and I won’t be moving from that television at all.  Well, except maybe to get beer and recycle beer.  And occasionally to get another steak.

 

THANK GOD THE NFL IS ALMOST BACK!

needle 198x300 THANK GOD THE NFL IS ALMOST BACK!

For real man, just one hit. Help me find a vein.

JEEEEEEEEEEZUS Christ, it’s about time for the NFL to get going again.  I’m fed up tired with watching everything that has nothing to do with football.  I’ve seen all of the NFL Draft coverage, the NFL Free Agency coverage, the Bounty nonsense with the Saints and for some reason, I know that Brett Favre is working with a local high school football team.

I don’t give a shit.  I really and truly, deep down in my soul, don’t give a shit.  I want FOOTBALL.  I want to hear about practices, game plans, and GAMES for the love of all that’s holy.  I’m so tired of the talking heads blathering incessantly about grading a team’s offseason acquisitions.  I’m sick to death of hearing about this player getting arrested, or anything to do with Rob Gronkowski hanging around with supermodels and not wearing a shirt.  Him, Rob, not wearing a shirt.  I’d be more interested if the girls were going topless.  And even more interested if Gronk spent time away from the media.  UGH, I’m Gronked out.

So now, finally and mercifully, the NFL pre-season is under way.  We’ve got training camp going on, battles for roster spots, starting positions and actual, factual FOOTBALL related stuffs going on.  It’s like an ice cold beer after long hot day of pleasuring swimsuit models in 100 degree temperatures.  It’s that refreshing.

So stick with me, as this season truly gets going, I will be raging hard against every stupid thing my beloved Redskins do.  At least it won’t be WWE related all the time.

 

Football and Kids and Sissy Ass Parents

Kids football 300x218 Football and Kids and Sissy Ass Parents

OH MY GOD!!! The HORROR!!!

I was just reading a newspaper article, I know right?  Who knew they still made newspapers?  Anyhow, there’s this movement across the country, or at the very least in Florida, where parents will not allow their children to play full contact football anymore.  They blame the Junior Seau suicide.

I have a problem with this line of thinking.  First and foremost, have they proven that Junior’s problems in life had any direct connection to the impact of the game of football?  I understand that head injuries are super-serious business.  I understand that today’s parents are sissified and try to protect their kids from every single thing there is.  ”Don’t insult my child at school, that will hurt his feelings.  His feelings are more important than your feelings because he’s a special little snowflake.”

It’s the continued sissification of our youth that’s going to lead to dark days in the future.  Bullying is a serious thing, but if you don’t learn to DEAL with bullying, rather than running to an adult to solve your problems, how will you survive in a global economy where other countries don’t give a flying shit about how you feel at night?  Do you think they care if you die tomorrow?  They don’t, in case you still didn’t know the answer.

Back to youth football.  Yes.  Football is a dangerous sport.  You know what else is dangerous?  Living.  Being a human being out in the world is dangerous.  You can get crushed by a car tomorrow and it would ruin your weekend plans.  You can get slapped in the head by a crack head in the wrong part of town.  Nobody other than YOU is going to care.

Let these kids play sports.  Let them experience the game.  Sure, it’s a risk, but so is getting out of bed.  Quit sheltering your children from anything potentially unpleasant and they’ll grow up to be the next GREAT generation.

The path we’re on now is leading to the pussified future that people are afraid of.  It sucks.  Pure and simple.  Life is shit unless you learn to deal with shit and get past it.  There’s plenty of great things going on in the world, one of them is youth football.

I coached Pop Warner football for 5 years.  I taught nearly hundreds of kids how to play the game properly and safely.  Did any of them get hurt?  Absolutely, it’s the nature of the game.  Do I honestly believe that any of them will have suicidal tendancies due to injuries sustained in a game?  Nope.

See, the way I see it is that Junior had some demons in his life and they were exacerbated by his injuries…and that’s being generous.  I think it’s horrible what happened to him.  I wish that he didn’t do that, but I don’t blame the game he played and I don’t blame the injuries from that game either.  I’m sure if he could, he would tell you the same thing.  He LOVED the game.  He enjoyed the impact and the hits and the brutality of it.  That’s what he lived for.

Parents, if you don’t want your precious little snowflake playing the game, that’s your call.  But don’t blame the game or Junior Seau for your apprehensions.  That’s on you.  That is YOUR call.  The game in and of itself is fine.  Look at the history of players that have retired from the game, long before the latest safety changes.  The vast majority may deal with knee, back, etc injuries, but there have been precious few fatalities from it.  And they’ll even be the first to tell you as much.

Grow up, be a smart parent not an asshole parent who feels the need to end a sport because you’re uncomfortable with it.  My sons have played a combined 10 years of football between them.  My 12 year old has played since he was 4, and played contact since he was 6.  He’s a center, a guard, a tackle, a nosetackle and a defensive end.  He’s involved in impact EVERY play and he’s perfectly fine.  My 9 year old played 4 seasons worth, 2 of them in full contact ball.

He’s also fine.  My youngest, 8, played flag football and 1 year of full contact.  He’s fine.  That’s a 100% success rate.  And if one of them got hurt playing?  I’d get them treatment and they’d want to go back and play injured.  Not because I want them to, but because they want to.  It’s something you can’t teach.  They have a desire to perform and be the best they can be.  THAT is the American spirit that’s so lacking in this country today.

Quit pussifying our future.  Grow up and let them take a chance.

aditi 300x235 NFL.coms Aditi Kinkhabwala is functionally retarded.

Sometimes hiring the mentally handicapped is just a bad idea.

I read alot of Redskins news articles on the internet.  Mainly because I’m always in front of this computer waiting for my plotter to finish some job or another and I have time to kill between jobs.  The fact of the matter is, NFL.com employs some people who wouldn’t even make the cut as assistant fry-cook at McDonald’s.

Aditi Kinkhabwala is one such moron.  I understand that women are equally adept at sports reporting as any man, and in some cases more so.  The problem is, Ms. Kinkhabwala is not one of them.  She’s to sports reporting what Rosie O’Donnell is to penis.

Her recent article, “Robert Griffin III needs dose of reality mixed with adulation” leads me to believe she hooked up a “see and say” machine to her iPhone and shit out an article that’s barely coherent.  Barely.  Let me show you what I mean.

Robert Griffin III strolled to the podium after his first full-squad, offseason practice, looked out at the much-bigger-than-usual crowd of cameras and immediately notified the group he’d cut in front of linebacker London Fletcher in the media-meet line. And then he said, “I hope he doesn’t do anything to me afterwards.”

Hmmm, OK that’s an observation.  So far so good, right?

Fletcher, a 14-year veteran of the NFL, said he was happy Griffin was named the starter before ever taking a full-team snap. Receiver Pierre Garcon said there was nothing rookie-like in either Griffin’s demeanor or his deep ball. Nose tackle Barry Cofield practically gushed about the optimism Griffin has showered on Redskins Park, and six-year veteran Reed Doughty said he’s never seen a team more excited about the possibilities this kid brings.

Amidst all the rookie praise, shouldn’t there be a noogie in there somewhere?

In a league where offering hypothetical bounties on opponents nets your team the loss of their Head Coach, General Manager, Defensive Coordinator, Draft Picks and money, this woman is advocating Rookie Hazing.  Genius.

So no, if a rookie screamed for even a benign rookie hazing, this one isn’t it.

What does that even mean?  Anyone?

Cofield was right: It’s too hard not to like him. Still, playing for him and with him is going to take a bit more action. Like maybe some goalpost-tying.

Yes, to play with a quarterback, one must first lash him to a goalpost.  Until then you will be stuck with a perpetual loser.  That must explain the failure of Heath Schuler.

Look, it’s not like I’m trying to be mean, Ms. Kinkhabwala may well be a very intelligent, warm and friendly person who feeds the homeless and takes in stray animals.  The problem I have is that she threw a pile of words in the blender, added a dash of Emmit Smith and two quarts of complete retard, hit the switch and poured it on the page for everyone to read.

So what is it she’s saying?  Robert Griffin III will be an absolute failure as a quarterback if they don’t haze him in some sophmorically juvenile way?  Does she get her sick sexual thrills at the expense of elite athletes giving each other wedgies?

And more importantly, if she can get a paying job with NFL Network, why the hell can’t I?

vilma goodell 300x168 Defamation, Slander and Lies   Vilma vs. Goodell

Vilma vs. Goodell – Worst UFC Match Ever.

It sounds like the title of an awful Summer movie release doesn’t it?

in a world filled with litigious denizens, one man dares to go against the grain.  The Ginger General has boldly come forward, publicly accusing a football player of doing football things.  Vilma is out for vengence…

Yes, it’s sad but unfortunately true, the ripple effect of Bounty Gate has finally come back to potentially bite Roger Goodell right square in his pasty white ass.  In the suit, Vilma alleges that Goodell made false statements that tarnished his reputation and hindered his ability to earn a living.

While traditional thinking might lead one to believe that suing one’s employer is not the best way to remain employed for the long term, this is a good thing.  For years now, the commissioner has been handing out penalties and fines in such an arbitrary manner that one would have to conclude that he’s got personal grudges against some players.

Take James Harrison for example.  This man has been fined numerous times for simply playing the game of Football the way it was meant to be played.  That’s insanity, and yet, nobody is stepping in to put the brakes on the commissioner for handing out in excess of $125,000 in 2011 alone?

I will admit the argument can be made that he’s trying to hurt somebody, but then again, I’ve seen flags thrown in this league for perfectly clean hits where helmet to helmet contact was purely incidental and caused no injury to either player.  They wear the helmets to prevent head to head collisons that will almost certainly cause permanent damage.  When the helmets touch, that’s just the helmets doing their job in 95% of the cases.

Let’s look at another Steeler for a minute.  One who was almost never fined, or otherwise penalized, for blatant dirty shots on opponents.  Hines Ward was one of the dirtiest players on the field.  Delivering crack-back blocks that threatened to permanently disable opposing defenders simply because he was in a position to do so.

Where’s the fairness in that?  If Commissioner Goodell was sooooo awfully concerned about player safety, he’d look at all players, not just the ones who are easy targets.

But I digress.  I hope Vilma not only wins this lawsuit but in doing so manages to discredit Goodell in such a way that the league votes his stupid ass out of the position.  I’m sorry, he’s done nothing positive for the game in his tenure if you ask me.  And this latest round of fines, suspensions and penalties to the teams in the off season?  Well, if you ask me, that’s the first step to taking over as COBRA commander.  Today the NFL, tomorrow the WORLD!!!!

nfl 300x300 The New Orleans Aints Are Having A Rough Go Of It

Murderers, Dog Killers and Rapists are welcome. But put a bounty on a player and the shit will hit the fan.

Well, after “Bounty-Gate” exploded in their faces, the New Orleans Saints learned they were being penalized by having their head coach suspended for a year, a loss of a draft pick and some fines.  Gregg Williams is banned indefinitely from the NFL and the entire football world is confused by this shit.

Well today, it’s been reported that there are more penalties coming down the tubes from the Ginger Commish’s office.  Linebacker Jonathan Vilma is now being suspended for the 2012 season.  Defensive end Will Smith (The Fresh Prince) is serving a four game suspension, Defensive end Anthony Hargrove (now with the Packers) is out for eight games and Linebacker Scotty Fujita (now with the Browns) will be sidelined for three games.

I don’t get it.  I just don’t get it.  Why don’t they just suspend the entire franchise for the season and be done with it?  This is ridiculous.  They’re killing teams, ruining competitiveness in the league and frankly at this point, you would think the NCAA is involved in this shit somehow.

It’s crazy.  Bounties are bad.  Shut the hell up with that.  Bounties are a part of EVERY sport in some capacity.  To think that a professional athlete is going to just go hurting people to make what amounts to pocket change for them is outrageous.  But the NFL being the NFL, is “coming down hard” on these “egregious actions” because they fear they’ll be found liable for former players’ health care costs and that isn’t good business for a BILLION dollar organization apparently.

Further, they should suspend the Patriots for “Spy-Gate”, they should suspend the Browns for “Sucking Since Forever” and the Redskins for “Dan Snyder”.  Might as well throw the Cowboys on the pile for “Jerry Jones” and the Panthers for “Jerry Richardson Being A Racist Dipshit”.

Can we also suspend the Ravens for having a murderer on their team?  Wait, the NFL allowed Ray Lewis to come back, as well as Dog hater Michael Vick, so….let’s just ban the Goddamned NFL and be done with it.

It makes my head hurt.  I’m going to get a case of Miller Lite Punch Top Cans and see if I can just forget about all this bullshit.

The 2012 NFL Draft Aired Last Night

mike mayock 2 The 2012 NFL Draft Aired Last Night

I'm Mike Mayock and I'm here to completely ruin any enjoyment you might get out of watching the 2012 NFL Draft.

And goddamn it all, it took FOR-FREAKIN-EVER to end.  Thirty two picks had to be made.  Each team was given up to 10 minutes to decide what they were going to do.  In essence, that should have been a MAXIMUM 320 minutes.  Nobody ever uses their full allotment of time, and tonight the first three picks were turned in in less than 5 minutes.

But with all the phony pomp and circumstance of having Roger Goodell announce each pick, hand them a shitty Nike jersey with their name on it and pose for photo ops, it dragged on and on and on and on….

And to make matters worse, I had to listen to Mike Mayock, limp penis of the NFL network dissect each draft pick in a way that only he can.  He sort of sounds like a guy who knows football, he says football-y things now and then while speaking about football players.  I’m just not convinced he really knows what he’s saying.  I can do a mock draft based on the analysis of other people too.  He’s not a genius, he’s a plagiarist at best.

Anyhow, I tuned into this show mainly so I could see the Redskins announce the signing of Robert Griffin III, and I got to see that.  But then I stuck around a while to see if there were any surprises.  I mean, the only alternative programming I had to choose from was “Touch” on FOX and I wouldn’t wish that steaming goat shit on my worst enemy.

Anyhow, this is how the draft went down.  I hope you enjoy this more than I enjoyed watching and listening to it.

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