Tagged: Profanity

6 Days Until We Can Visit Our Son

armynationalguardlarge 6 Days Until We Can Visit Our Son

I normally talk silly shit on here, but this time I’m going to take a minute and be sincere.  My wife and I are parents to 4 great boys.  The oldest is 18, the youngest is 7.  Our oldest son, Shane, graduated High School this past June.  In January, he enlisted with the Army National Guard, and has been at basic training since January 2nd.

Lucky for us, he’s exactly 15 minutes from home, Fort Jackson, SC is just down the road.  The unlucky part for us, is we can’t visit or call because, duh, it’s basic training.  We have gotten a few letters and a pair of phone calls that I’m not exactly sure his Drill Instructor was aware of.

Shane decided back in 10th grade to enroll in the Jr. ROTC program with the high school  It was Army ROTC and he took to it like nobody’s business.  It was something I would have never even thought of doing when I was his age, but he really embraced it.  Worked hard on his physical improvement, kept his grades up on his own, never asking us for help at all.

As he spent his Summer off, we did pester him about what he was going to do.  It’s not that we wanted to get rid of him, we just didn’t want him to fall into the same routine I did at his age.  When I was 18, I had a full time job (paying exactly shit) and gave no thought to my future.  That was going to happen later, I was living for NOW.  So I didn’t go to college and I didn’t get any training outside of my job.  He decided on the National Guard and enlisted.

He may never see combat, and I sincerely hope he doesn’t, but I am extremely proud to be his father.  To give of himself to serve his country is amazing.  And I sincerely thank all of those that are serving overseas or right here at home for their sacrifices as well.

Thursday (March 15th) he graduates Basic and then it’s off to 3 months of training elsewhere, but we’ll finally get to see him after two months.  Can’t wait to shake his hand, give him a hug and call him a dork for old time’s sake.  Sure do miss my boy.

greggwilliams 300x223 Bounties in Pro Sports?  You Must Be Mistaken!

Dog the Bounty Hunter, he is not.

If you read news sites, watch news programs on TV, read newspapers (are those things still around?) or have any contact with what’s going on in America today, you know about Bounty-Gate!  Gregg Williams, defensive coordinator for the New Orleans Saints NFL team has been called out for offering bounties on opposing teams’ players to his defense.

It’s all over the place, you can’t have missed at least hearing the words “bounty” and “NFL” at some point this week.  You’d think Nixon came back from the dead and stole Obama’s personal diary or something.  Here’s a few examples in case you missed the ruckus:

U.S. News & World Report:  If Gregg Williams ’Bounty‘ Charges Are True, NFL Should Ban Him

Washington Post:  Gregg Williams‘ bounty program is NFL’s put-up-or-shut-up moment

BleacherReport:  Gregg Williams: ‘Bounty Gate’ Will Test NFL’s Commitment to Player Safety

Huffington Post:  Saints Bountygate: Gregg Williams To Meet With NFL After Bounties Uncovered

ESPN:  Sources: Gregg Williams called to N.Y.

FoxSports:  Trouble ain’t over for Saints

Sports Illustrated:  Assessing the far-reaching ramifications of Saints’ scandal

You get the idea right?  This shit is all over the place.  Now, for sports news outlets, I understand it.  They have no NFL news worth a shit to report until the NFL Draft, and then nothing again until Pre-Season starts up in August.  So for Sports and NFL news outlets, it makes sense.  Any nugget in the storm and all that.  But this is being picked up by sites that have jack-shit to do with sports.

And this is the problem I have.  Football is a full contact, impact sport.  You are supposed to get hit.  You are expected to put it all on the line to win.  It’s a controlled war scenario.  If a coach motivates his team by saying “If you win, you get a week off from practice”, that’s a bounty.  If a team pays you to play, and pays you VERY WELL to do so, they expect you to do whatever it takes to succeed.  It’s on you.  And that’s Gregg Williams problem.  He’s from a different era and he’s caught in the crossfire.  He’s being used as a scapegoat for the NFL at large here.

You don’t think coaches have done this for years?  Gregg Williams might be a brilliant evil genius, but he definitely did not invent the idea of bounties for motivation.  That was there from day one.  Go back to Vince Lombardi and Bear Bryant.  You don’t think they put bounties on opponents?  It’s a part of the game.  It doesn’t HAVE to be, but to use this one coach and ruin his career and his livelihood over it?  That’s just bullshit.

Our soft-ass, pansy society won’t stand for it.  No sir.  Everyone’s a winner in our society now, and dammit, they deserve to be special too.

Screw that.  Man up, admit that the sport of football has always been this way, apologize and state that from here on out you will be working to make sure it never becomes an issue again.  Don’t throw one man under the bus because it’s easier than admitting fault.  NFL is a shitty group of old white men that regularly use and dispose of young men as it suits them to do so.

There is no honor there.  They are simply covering their asses.  ”Hey, Gregg can take the fall, screw that guy!”  That’s what they’re saying at NFL headquarters, and it sucks.  Own up to it, admit fault and move on.  It might cost you some money to retired players, but christ, a billion dollar company can afford to spare a few thousand to help out the guys who built it.  Can’t they?

Insomnia Leads to Dick Pills

doctor 300x289 Insomnia Leads to Dick Pills

Would you trust this guy with your crotch?

See, I usually sleep pretty well.  Takes me a while to get to sleep but when I do, holy shit lookout!  I sleep like a dead body most nights.  Nothing short of a nuclear explosion or a middle of the night “let’s do-it” from my wife will wake me up.  Unfortunately, both of those events happen at just about the same rate.

Anyway, last night I couldn’t sleep for shit.  I went to bed at a respectable 11pm.  By 12, I was back downstairs.  12:30 upstairs, 1:00 downstairs, around 4:00am I threw in the towel and just stayed downstairs on the couch, with the TV tuned to SyFy.  And holy hell I think SyFy’s programming department is made up of monkeys on LSD.  They played some weird shit at 4am.

Of course, seeing as how I had the sound turned off, just about anything at 4am when you’ve been up for nearly 24 hours would probably seem weird.  But I digress.  The movie “9″ was on.  It was an animated something or other and as I just learned at IMDB, Elijah Wood was one of the voices.  It’s good to see Hobbits getting work, post-Rings trilogy.  You don’t see enough Samwise Geegee these days.  And yes, I know Elijah was Frodo, calm down nerds.

From what I could tell by not hearing a word of it and only sort of paying attention to it, it was about aliens that did stuff and it didn’t work out as they had hoped, then one of them got fried on a force field or something.  I dunno, not my cup of tea I guess.  Luckily enough, the movie ended before I could give too much of a shit, and the infomercials started up.

Did you know there’s a new something or other out there that will insure you have great sex?  It’s called Triverex, and it’s the newest, most awesome sex drug available without a prescription that you can only order on the phone at odd hours of the morning.  You know this stuff has GOT to be legitimate.  I’m not linking to it, because they’re not paying me to do so.

What I did learn from the 30 minutes they purchased on SyFy Network at 4:30am was that this stuff is a “Revolutionary Breakthrough in Natural Male Enhancement”.  Among it’s attributes:

  • Puts you in the mood with greater arousal and desire – so you’re always ready to deliver when the time is right.  (All I need is a glimpse of side boob, and I’ve got this one covered)
  • Designed to improve your blood flow – so you can have ROCK HARD erections.  (umm, see the previous entry)
  • Supercharges your energy and sexual stamina to bring you and your partner to full satisfaction and sexual pleasure.  (Because she definitely wants my big sweaty ass against her that much longer)

But lest you think this is yet another scam, fear not!  Dr. Mark A. Moyad, M.D. has endorsed this product wholeheartedly.  He even says “Triverex is the breakthrough that so many men have been waiting and hoping for”.  Amazing, he managed to find the 4 guys that haven’t heard of Viagra or Cialis, or hookers.  But what I truly love from their web site is this helpful chart:

triv chart Insomnia Leads to Dick PillsPlease take note that:

a.)  This product “FIRES ON ALL CYLINDERS”.  Nice try, Triverex, but I know you’re not a car

b.) Manufactures in a fully Good Manufacturing Practices compliant facility.  Just the fact that you felt it necessary to clear up any confusion that it was not, in fact, made in some guy’s garage over the past three weekends when he was simultaneously cooking up a batch of Jed’s All-Natural Crystal Meth, now with Limon, worries me more than had you left this little piece of info off your chart entirely.

Overall, this is dick medicine.  I’m sorry, it’s an “All natural male enhancement supplement”, whose claims have not been evaluated by the FDA, USDA or DEA.  For all we know it’s made of monkey shit and sawdust.  Both are completely all natural.  Neither is something I would consider ingesting in order to get my pecker standing up.

I think if your penis is not working as you wish it would, and you’re not being ridiculous like thinking it will just hammer away like a piston on an oil rig when you snap your fingers and shout “Klamazzal”, then your best bet would be seeking a doctor’s advice.  Not a T.V. doctor, and not that creepy hobo that insists he is Doc from the original Snow White films.  No, go see your physician.  The guy with the office and the diplomas from schools not name “Universty of Phoenix” on his wall.

I just want to know when the vitamin companies, pill pushers and Nigerian princes (via email 1,000 times a day) got so interested in everybody’s dicks.  I lived almost 20 years without ever thinking about anyone else’s schlong.  Seriously.  I never once sat there in a moment of quiet reflection and thought to myself, “Not only do I enjoy my penis and what it does for me, I wonder how everyone else’s dong is doing today?  Perhaps I’ll start a club.  The Pecker Pot.  Yes.  Then we can all sit around and inquire as to the current status of our peers’ schwanzes.  It will be glorious and I will be hailed as Sultan of Sac, or perhaps, the Duke of Dangle.  I will be revered on high for my cutting edge thinking to form a group of men to talk about their dicks.”

victorian 300x184 Insomnia Leads to Dick Pills

The Taliwhacker Counsel Has Convened

Couldn’t you imagine?  I mean, yeah, all guys have said “How’s it hangin’” from time to time, but that was more of a “Hey, howya doing?” Than a sincere inquiry as to the current dangling status of their friend’s pork sword.  I imagine we could be penis pen pals, writing letters, including charcoal sketches and water color renderings that depict how our bacon rods are feeling at that particular moment.  I would paint in vibrant colors, back when I was in my 20′s.  Lots of orange, yellow, and red.  Showing action, but never showing a partner.

So yeah, my order is on its way.  I love my penis THAT much.

thumb dumbass 300x240 Lets Dish...Wanna Dish?  Lets dish.

Yeah, that's me.

What is the single dumbest thing you’ve ever done?  I don’t mean when you decided it was a good idea to mug that old nun walking back to her convent the other night, I mean just pure sheer stupidity on your part.  I can think of a few for myself that would compete for a top spot in my life.

Let’s take for example, when I met my wife.  We met on America Online.  Remember that?  Dial-up to the restricted internet world that Steve Case provided us?  Remember the non-stop barrage of sign up disks and CDs we used to get in the mail, in our magazines, in our breakfast cereals?  Are any of you old enough to remember those days?  The one thing AOL was good for was chat rooms.  It was like 99.8% chat rooms and .2% internet access.

Anyhow, I was skeeving around on AOL’s friend finder service and found my wife’s screenname “NascarJen02″.  At the time I was a huge Nascar fan, and specifically a Rusty Wallace fan.  He was the driver of the #2 car.  Ergo, NascarJen02 resonated with me and I timidly sent her a message.  She responded and we chatted.  I finally goaded her into a date.  An awful date mind you.

Now I don’t know if this restaurant was nationwide but it was a chain, called Red River.  It was a steakhouse/bbq joint/Appleby’s style place.  It was eventually bought out by Famous Dave’s BBQ and they ruined it.  But that’s not important.  What is important is that our first date was at Red River.  I wasn’t much of a player, so I thought we’d have dinner and go our separate ways never to meet again.  I had nothing more planned beyond dinner and there was jack shit to do in that area beyond eat dinner.  No movie theaters, no plays, nothing.

We had a great dinner together, the food was average, but the date was awesome.  She was actually interested in me.  And no, she wasn’t drunk.  I tried, she refused.  So after dinner, we went back to the parking lot and I said “what do you want to do?” and she said “I dunno, what do you wanna do?”  And we sat in my car for two hours talking.  About silly shit and I think I talked my head off that night.  Everything and anything.  And I’m not usually a talker.  And she put up with this shit.

At this point, a lot of people would think she was lonely, but I think I was actually somewhat charming for once in my stupid life.  And we hit it off.  We went out on January 15th, 1999.  A Friday night, and we did absolutely shit beyond have dinner at a chain restaurant and talk in my car for hours.  And it was great.  She must have felt bad for me I thought.

After that I didn’t see her again until Valentine’s Day.  I knew she had a son who had just turned 5 but she wasn’t letting me near him and I didn’t blame her.  I might be a creep.  Hell I am a creep, but in a good way.  So I convinced her to go out with me for Valentine’s Day, and coincidentally, my birthday is February 15th.  So I made it a dual purpose dinner and I took her to a NICE restaurant this time.  We had dinner and then a movie.  During the movie, we were sitting next to each other and halfway through “The General’s Daughter” with John Travolta, she grabbed my hand and made me hold hands with her.  From there, it was on.

I’d travel the hour down the road to her parents’ house where she was still living to visit and then an hour back home.  I was hooked and I’m still hooked, 13 years later.  Apparently she saw something in me worth keeping.

Anyways, the point I’m trying to make is that we started having, well relations, after a short while.  And in her room at her parents’ house.  And only after she got pregnant with our first son together did she think to mention to me that “Oh, by the way, my 6 foot 4 inch,, 250lb father used to be a Marine”.  Here I am having sex with this guy’s daughter in HIS house and had no idea he could kill me with his thumb.

So, that’s one of the dumbest things I ever did (not really, I’m still as much in love today as I was back then) but to not know that your future wife’s father could kill you as fast as he could say “hello” made me feel really stupid.  Now, it’s your turn.  Tell me what stupid shit you pulled in your life time.  Let’s make a series of this thing.  I’ve got more.

sexy birthday 300x208 Soon...Another Year Older, Another Year Sexier

I'll also accept this for a birthday surprise.

Yessiree.  February 15th, 2012 is my 37th birthday.  To be honest, I’m completely and utterly astounded I’ve made it this far.  It’s not like I”m smart enough to really take care of myself or to avoid doing things that might factor in to my untimely demise.  And yet, here I am.  About to add another notch to the bedpost of life.  I can’t wait!  I’m going to be largely ignored by family and friends because who the hell cares about a dude’s birthday?

Not to reverse-psychiatry you or anything, but I just don’t really get into the whole birthday thing.  I managed to avoid dying for another year, whoopty shit!  Parties aren’t my thing, presents are nice I guess, but not necessary.  In fact, just say “Happy Birthday” if you want to make my day.  Acknowledge it just enough that I realize you remembered and we’re golden.

That’s not to say I’m against a little celebration though.  We can forgo the cards, they’re a waste of money.  How about instead of that $5 card you just give me $5?  I can use $5, I can’t use a card that you signed.  It’s tacky to cross out your signature and give it back to you on your birthday, so it’s worthless to me.  Cutesy poo gifts just piss me off.  A tshirt that says “Happy Birthday” or some such stupid shit?  No thanks.  Don’t need it, don’t want it, can’t use it.   (more…)