Would you trust this guy with your crotch?
See, I usually sleep pretty well. Takes me a while to get to sleep but when I do, holy shit lookout! I sleep like a dead body most nights. Nothing short of a nuclear explosion or a middle of the night “let’s do-it” from my wife will wake me up. Unfortunately, both of those events happen at just about the same rate.
Anyway, last night I couldn’t sleep for shit. I went to bed at a respectable 11pm. By 12, I was back downstairs. 12:30 upstairs, 1:00 downstairs, around 4:00am I threw in the towel and just stayed downstairs on the couch, with the TV tuned to SyFy. And holy hell I think SyFy’s programming department is made up of monkeys on LSD. They played some weird shit at 4am.
Of course, seeing as how I had the sound turned off, just about anything at 4am when you’ve been up for nearly 24 hours would probably seem weird. But I digress. The movie “9″ was on. It was an animated something or other and as I just learned at IMDB, Elijah Wood was one of the voices. It’s good to see Hobbits getting work, post-Rings trilogy. You don’t see enough Samwise Geegee these days. And yes, I know Elijah was Frodo, calm down nerds.
From what I could tell by not hearing a word of it and only sort of paying attention to it, it was about aliens that did stuff and it didn’t work out as they had hoped, then one of them got fried on a force field or something. I dunno, not my cup of tea I guess. Luckily enough, the movie ended before I could give too much of a shit, and the infomercials started up.
Did you know there’s a new something or other out there that will insure you have great sex? It’s called Triverex, and it’s the newest, most awesome sex drug available without a prescription that you can only order on the phone at odd hours of the morning. You know this stuff has GOT to be legitimate. I’m not linking to it, because they’re not paying me to do so.
What I did learn from the 30 minutes they purchased on SyFy Network at 4:30am was that this stuff is a “Revolutionary Breakthrough in Natural Male Enhancement”. Among it’s attributes:
- Puts you in the mood with greater arousal and desire – so you’re always ready to deliver when the time is right. (All I need is a glimpse of side boob, and I’ve got this one covered)
- Designed to improve your blood flow – so you can have ROCK HARD erections. (umm, see the previous entry)
- Supercharges your energy and sexual stamina to bring you and your partner to full satisfaction and sexual pleasure. (Because she definitely wants my big sweaty ass against her that much longer)
But lest you think this is yet another scam, fear not! Dr. Mark A. Moyad, M.D. has endorsed this product wholeheartedly. He even says “Triverex is the breakthrough that so many men have been waiting and hoping for”. Amazing, he managed to find the 4 guys that haven’t heard of Viagra or Cialis, or hookers. But what I truly love from their web site is this helpful chart:
Please take note that:
a.) This product “FIRES ON ALL CYLINDERS”. Nice try, Triverex, but I know you’re not a car
b.) Manufactures in a fully Good Manufacturing Practices compliant facility. Just the fact that you felt it necessary to clear up any confusion that it was not, in fact, made in some guy’s garage over the past three weekends when he was simultaneously cooking up a batch of Jed’s All-Natural Crystal Meth, now with Limon, worries me more than had you left this little piece of info off your chart entirely.
Overall, this is dick medicine. I’m sorry, it’s an “All natural male enhancement supplement”, whose claims have not been evaluated by the FDA, USDA or DEA. For all we know it’s made of monkey shit and sawdust. Both are completely all natural. Neither is something I would consider ingesting in order to get my pecker standing up.
I think if your penis is not working as you wish it would, and you’re not being ridiculous like thinking it will just hammer away like a piston on an oil rig when you snap your fingers and shout “Klamazzal”, then your best bet would be seeking a doctor’s advice. Not a T.V. doctor, and not that creepy hobo that insists he is Doc from the original Snow White films. No, go see your physician. The guy with the office and the diplomas from schools not name “Universty of Phoenix” on his wall.
I just want to know when the vitamin companies, pill pushers and Nigerian princes (via email 1,000 times a day) got so interested in everybody’s dicks. I lived almost 20 years without ever thinking about anyone else’s schlong. Seriously. I never once sat there in a moment of quiet reflection and thought to myself, “Not only do I enjoy my penis and what it does for me, I wonder how everyone else’s dong is doing today? Perhaps I’ll start a club. The Pecker Pot. Yes. Then we can all sit around and inquire as to the current status of our peers’ schwanzes. It will be glorious and I will be hailed as Sultan of Sac, or perhaps, the Duke of Dangle. I will be revered on high for my cutting edge thinking to form a group of men to talk about their dicks.”
The Taliwhacker Counsel Has Convened
Couldn’t you imagine? I mean, yeah, all guys have said “How’s it hangin’” from time to time, but that was more of a “Hey, howya doing?” Than a sincere inquiry as to the current dangling status of their friend’s pork sword. I imagine we could be penis pen pals, writing letters, including charcoal sketches and water color renderings that depict how our bacon rods are feeling at that particular moment. I would paint in vibrant colors, back when I was in my 20′s. Lots of orange, yellow, and red. Showing action, but never showing a partner.
So yeah, my order is on its way. I love my penis THAT much.