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The NFL Schedule Was Released Last Night

3575687149 9b217f4dfa 300x207 The NFL Schedule Was Released Last Night

The NFL Schedule has been released? Whoopty shit.

Yay?  I mean, honestly if you wanted to know who your team would be playing this year, you could look it up on the NFL web site, or hell even on Wikipedia.  The only thing you didn’t know was what time and if you were getting a non-Sunday game out of the deal.

How is this such a big deal in the world of sports?  I don’t get it.  It’s the release of the schedule for god’s sake, it’s not the start of the season.  At the end of the day, you now have a more organized list of your team’s opponents, and that’s pretty much it.  How dumb is that?

And yet, ESPN, NFL Network, Sports Illustrated and all the other hangers-on are out there acting as though we’re about to be gifted the lost scriptures or something.  Please.

Next up in the NFL’s year-round coverage of anything but the actual game of football will be the 2012 NFL Draft.  This has become an event unto itself over the years.  All major sports host a draft of their own to acquire and distribute new young talent throughout their respective leagues, and yet, only the NFL has managed to turn theirs into a big deal.

We rent out Radio City Music Hall, we have LIVE television coverage spanning the entire four days this mess takes, and we have analysts at the ready to discuss and dissect every decision made as it’s made and for weeks after it’s been made.  This is just proof that we need a Spring league for the NFL, something tangible to keep our sportscasters busy.

If I have to hear one more human interest story about Tony Romo’s golf game or “random player x does something random in his downtime” I think I might lose my goddamned mind.

Got A Real Writing Gig – Suck it

capcitysports 300x204 Got A Real Writing Gig Suck it

Look at me, all professional looking and shit.

That’s right.  I’m now the chief editor in charge of CapitolCitySports.com over at FanVsFan.com.  That means I’m better than you.

It also means that most all of my Redskins rants and thoughts will be going up on their site instead of Belly Billboard.  I’ll still come here to cuss more than I’m allowed to over there, but at the end of the day this is a good thing.  It means I might actually earn $3 by the end of this year for my writing.  Maybe.

Anyhow, go check it out, leave a few comments and let me know what you think!

Redskins add Leigh Torrence To Defense…Nobody knows why

torrence Redskins add Leigh Torrence To Defense...Nobody knows why

This is the highlight of his career with the Redskins

In recent news, the Washington Redskins have announced the signing of Leigh Torrence to help bolster their defensive secondary.  Leigh, as you may or may not remember, was once a Redskin back in 2006 – 2008.  While he was with the team, he managed to rack up 42 tackles, on sack and 2 passes defended.  He was waived on November 8th, 2008 and signed by the Saints on Nov. 10.

I say all that to put this in perspective.  The guy was on the team before.  He was mostly unspectacular during his tenure with the Redskins.  He went to New Orleans, failed to collect Gregg Williams bounties, and was mostly unremarkable for the Saints over the past three seasons.

williams 300x199 Redskins add Leigh Torrence To Defense...Nobody knows why

Gregg the Bounty Hunter doesn't have the same ring to it as "Dog" does.

In fact, while with the Saints, he’s played in 73 games with one start.  ONE start in 73 games.  Well, sure, yeah, let’s sign this guy!  He’s a game changer!  The idea that he’ll add anything other than another practice squad body to the mix is ridiculous.  I’m sure he’s a great guy and tries his best, but he’s not anything to get excited over.

water boy 220x300 Redskins add Leigh Torrence To Defense...Nobody knows why

At least I'm not on the practice squad

This is like announcing the signing of a new water boy.  Hell, the signing of a new water boy is even better than this news.  At least the water boy contributes to the team and is in EVERY GAME.  He shows up, does his job quietly and the team carries on like the drug addled hallucination well oiled machine they are.

I guess being in Personnel for a NFL team means taking the bad with the worse sometimes and that’s pretty much what just happened with this acquisition.  I don’t expect to see Torrence on the opening day roster, and you shouldn’t either.

haynesworth 292x300 Redskins add Leigh Torrence To Defense...Nobody knows why

Shoulda flushed that turd long ago.

On the upside?  At least they didn’t pay him $100 million to be a fat lump of shit.

Redskins Draft Strategy According to Danny – 2012

skins press 300x225 Redskins Draft Strategy According to Danny 2012

Join us as Dan Snyder addresses the media

Dan Snyder takes to the stage to address the media concerning the 2012 Washington Redskins draft strategy.  In attendance are two reporters from news stations owned by Dan Snyder, a pizza delivery guy and one teenager who wandered in thinking this was the meeting for his Dungeons and Dragons team.

Danny:  Thank you for coming, I’m here to talk about the plan for the 2012 Redskins draft.  I appreciate you coming out to support the team, and I also appreciate the fact that you know who pays your salary.  Softball question anyone?

Lackey #1:  Mr. Snyder, may I say how stunningly handsome and TALL you look today sir.  Thank you for taking my question.

Danny:  Duly noted Lackey, you may remain employed for another few hours.  Who’s next?

Lackey #2:  Mr. Snyder, do you think trading the team’s first round draft picks for the next three years for a shot at drafting Robert Griffin was a smart strategy considering all of the other needs the team has going forward?

Danny:  Um, security?  You know what to do.  Full cleansing, I never want to know this peasant existed.  Inform his family of his shame and have him “erased”.  Next question.

Teenager:  When does the D&D meeting start?

Danny:  After this, just go pop a zit or something.  Here, take a few $20′s with you to wipe up with.  Next?

Pizza Delivery Driver:  Who ordered the large onion and anchovy pizza?

Danny:  I did, put it over there and get out of here.

Pizza Delivery Driver:  Sir, that will be $23.97.

Danny:  Security?  Erase this guy too.  Danny never pays for a pie.  The last dough filled atrocity I bought cost me $100 million, seriously, screw Haynesworth.

Pizza Delivery Driver:  No!  I have a family!  I’ll accept a fourth round draft pick if you don’t have the cash!  Just please, don’t kill me!

Danny:  Call Bruce, have him work out the deal for that pick.  Next question?

Lackey #1:  Mr. Snyder, your honor sir, did you just trade the team’s fourth round draft pick to the guy from Papa John’s?

Danny:  In all seriousness, I am a business man.  I know what I’m doing.  I love the Redskins.  I rooted for them as a young child.  I always wanted to be a part of the team, but as you can see, at four foot nothing tall, there’s not much need for my services on the field.  They wouldn’t even let me try out!  So I devised my plan and bid my time.  Finally the old man kicked off and I swooped in to buy the team.  Now they will know my pain and suffering.  ALL OF YOU WILL SUFFER AS I HAVE!

Lackey #1:  Sir?  You do realize you just revealed your evil plan to thwart the Redskins chances of ever having success because of a petty grudge you’ve held since you were a teenager, don’t you?

Danny:  (laughing maniacally)  They will pay!  THEY WILL ALL PAY!!!!!!  Except me, for that pizza.  Seriously, screw that guy.

 

NIKE Unveils NFL Uniforms Today – Edgy Doesn’t Mean What They Think It Means

It was a big ball of hype by a bunch of people that were really looking forward to seeing some style FINALLY come to the field in the NFL.  Reebok has held the rights to uniforms for the last decade and they were slightly more interesting than Rec League uniforms for kids.

Nike has been known to turn out some wild uniforms recently for the college level players.  Here’s an example:

ducks 200x300 NIKE Unveils NFL Uniforms Today Edgy Doesnt Mean What They Think It Means

Oregon Ducks by Nike

Now, say what you will about the colors but that uniform gets noticed.  It’s different, it stands out and it’s nothing like the boring old standards that have permeated the sport of football for nearly a century.  It’s exciting even if you hate it.  It’s got pizazz!

Now, let’s look at the NFL uniforms, shall we?

all32 300x194 NIKE Unveils NFL Uniforms Today Edgy Doesnt Mean What They Think It Means

Meh

Now, on Twitter, the players and league reps are all saying the right things.  ”Oooh, that uniform is sick!  Look at the Elite 51 series by Nike!  The players are soooo excited, you guys!”   Bullshit.  NOBODY thinks these goddamned uniforms are anything special.  They’re BORING and they’re BLAND.  And in one case, even the colors are wrong.

seahawks uni 225x300 NIKE Unveils NFL Uniforms Today Edgy Doesnt Mean What They Think It Means

Seattle Seahawks, now with 99% more purple.

Since when are the Seahawks a team with purple in it’s uniform?  Even just a little bit?  Now the entire goddamned thing is purple with nausea-green highlights.  It’s what Tim Burton would design if he were in charge of uniforms for Seattle.  The only thing missing is a comically oversized top-hat style helmet.

JEEEEEZUS Christ, if this is what passes for cutting edge or, “edgy” then I’d really be loathe to see what they call “boring”.  This shit sucks.  Here’s a closer view of the AFC East.  What’s really different here?  Besides the clown shoes, I mean?

afc east 300x224 NIKE Unveils NFL Uniforms Today Edgy Doesnt Mean What They Think It Means

At NIKE, we don't know what edgy means.

Hell, even the Panthers own Jonathan Stewart is finding it hard to say anything remotely positive about this shit.

Yeah, you people look at these.  He’s not committing one way or the other to this pathetic attempt at “edgy”.  And I don’t blame him.  Next thing you know he’s getting sponsored to model knee socks and half-shirts.  Nobody wants to be that guy.

Brian Orakpo of the Redskins has the right idea though.  He’s showing us a closeup of the new Redskins Clown Cleats, no comment however:

And here’s the shoe in question:

skinscleat 225x300 NIKE Unveils NFL Uniforms Today Edgy Doesnt Mean What They Think It Means

Best thing to do with a shoe that ugly is to shove it up the Nike design team's ass.

10 Things Wrong With Albert Breer’s Article

albert breer 10 Things Wrong With Albert Breers Article

This guy gets paid for this shit. And I don't?

Ok, I was reading the NFL.com web site today so sue me.  I’m missing football in the worst ways.  I actually get withdrawl shakes and cold sweats when I turn on the TV on Sunday only to find there’s nothing worth watching until Jousting at 10pm.  I’m dying here.  So yes, I went over to NFL.com to get the latest.  And instead of good football news, I’m treated to this horseshit from Albert Breer - No telling what could happen this week at NFL Annual Meeting

Let me break it down for you as Albert seems to be missing the mark completely.  My comments will be in italics, while the original pieces of the article will be bold.  Now you can follow along at home.

The NFL Annual Meeting is always more about the part of the league you don’t see than the part you do.

Yes, it’s about the naked old-man orgies and the near derelict desire to acquire more money than God himself.  This is so much not news.

Saints’ punishment

The NFC coaches breakfast, when all 16 of the conference’s coaches are available to the media, is set for Wednesday morning. Sean Payton might talk then. He might talk sooner. And he’ll have plenty of questions to answer. Who will take his place in the coming weeks? And for the 2012 season? Then, we have the issue of discipline for Saints players like Jonathan Vilma and ex-Saints like Scott Fujita and Tracy Porter.

And we also must know what happens to Gregg Williams and his ilk.  Were they wrong to offer bounties?  Yes.  Were the unique in doing so?  Absolutely not.  Is this just heavy handed bullshit from an overreaching Commissioner hellbent on leaving his personal stink on every single issue that comes up?  Well of course.  Roger Goodell is a moron who obviously has penis length issues.  Let’s go ahead and buy him some Enzyte and hire a hooker to act in awe of his massive earth crushing penis.  Maybe that will cure what ails him.

There’s more, click the page numbers!

Pages: 1 2 3 4

The Redskins Done Got Themselves a #2 Draft Pick

happysnyder 300x246 The Redskins Done Got Themselves a #2 Draft Pick

What has two index fingers and just LOVES screwing the Redskins? This Guy!

And it only cost them 3 first round picks and one 2nd round pick.  Not too shabby, right?  I mean, if you want to split hairs they really traded away two first round picks and a second round pick, as many are quick to point out that they merely traded places with the Rams in this year’s draft.  Frankly I don’t care how you look at it, that’s a monstrous trade in favor of the Rams.

Sadly, this kind of shit makes Dan Snyder get all warm and creamy inside.  Like a little potato pancake.  And he runs this team about as well as a potato pancake would, now that I think on it.  This trade for the number two overall pick is going to backfire.  Even if the Redskins had every other piece of the puzzle they needed, and adding RGIII to the roster would be a guaranteed Superbowl berth, it will fail.  I know it, and those who know the recent history in Washington know it.

The gods have placed a curse upon the Redskins thanks to Dan Snyder.  You know he’s angered them at every turn.  Hell, he’s invented ways to anger the gods.  Smite him?  Smite you, sucka.  Danny boy doesn’t play by your rules and logic.

Here’s why I don’t think it matters what QB you put in the lineup.  Dan Snyder has a history of belittling coaches, players, equipment managers, and stiffing his hired help on their paychecks:

 In 2006, Snyder was sued by a former nanny,Juliette Mendonca, who told a Montgomery County court that when she pointed out she was being shortchanged and asked for proper recompense, Snyder screamed, “I pay you more than my Redskins Park people! I can’t afford to pay you like this!”

~Quoth the Snyder, nottapennymore.

Yes, he’s a pedantic little turd who refuses to acknowledge that he has no business in managing a Pee Wee league football team, let alone a professional team with a long and storied history, one of the original teams to comprise the NFL.  It’s disgusting.  It’d be like letting Lenny from “Of Mice and Men” take care of your pets while you were on vacation.  In fact, Lenny’s more humane.

RGIII will have a few flashes of greatness, then Snyder will do as Snyder is wont to do and he’ll cause a divide in the coaching staff or he’ll go out and sign Jerry Rice to a 4 year, $75 million deal just because no one else has the balls to think outside the box like he does.  And there’s a reason nobody else does the stupid shit he does, and that’s because they’re not functionally retarded.

No, RGIII will be a bust and it won’t be his fault.  The team that drafts him, if it’s Washington, will insure that he fails.  If there’s one thing the Redskins have done under Snyder’s direction, that is succeeding in failure.  They lead the league in failures, and he’s going to work tirelessly to insure it stays that way.  When you’re only good at one thing, you should do nothing else but that one thing.  Unfortunately for exasperated Redskins fans like myself, that one thing is raping the joy out of my team.

As for the free agent signings?  We’ve signed both Pierre Garcon and Josh Morgan.  Both are #2 receivers at best, and we’ve already got a roster full of those.  A #1 would’ve been nice for a change.

Monday Football Hangover – Week 15

surprise 300x223 Monday Football Hangover Week 15

The Redskins Won? Whodathunkit?

Aaaaand, who the hell was wearing the Redskins uniforms yesterday??  Admittedly, I was drinking during the game, but I’ve never had that kind of hallucination before.  They played like a team that knew what football was for a change.  And I’m sure the Giants sympathizers will come out of the woodworks to tell me that the Redskins didn’t win, the Giants just lost.  And I’m sure I would say to those people, “Suck it”.

Even though Grossman threw two interceptions in three possessions, the Redskins managed to hold the Giants to just 10 points all day.  Eli was befuddled, even more so than usual.  The stout and storied Giants defensive line was mostly held in check by rookie running back sensaction Roy Helu and the Redskins receivers managed to make a few plays for a change.

In all, it was a good day to be a Redskins fan.  A bad day to be a Giants fan and it’s never a good time to be a Cowboys fan.  Those people are obnoxious.  So, I’ll leave it at that.  Hail to the Redskins, and may this be the start of a turn around in Landover, MD.

Monday Football Hangover – Revenge of the Ref

London Fletcher 300x275 Monday Football Hangover Revenge of the Ref

Hey Ref, I got your personal foul right here!

Aaaaaaand, the Redskins lost another game.  Not a huge surprise considering they had to face off against the New England Patriots, but to be honest it was a really good game.  (mostly)  See, the Redskins aren’t known for, how do they put it, winning an awful lot of their games, at least not over the last decade or so.  But they’ve always been a decent enough team, at times, to make you think they’re turning the corner towards being mediocre for a change.  This Sunday’s game was no different.

Facing the Bradiots, the Redskins managed to put up their best offensive game of the year, they went score for score with Belichek and company until the very end.  The problem, my friend, is that the ref’s calls were blowing out their asses.  I’ve seen some horrible officiating all season, all over the league, but yesterday simply took the cake.  London Fletcher, that angry guy you see up there above, is one of the classiest players in all of the NFL.  Almost never loses his cool, accepts that others are simply human and can and will make mistakes.  But then, he was called for a personal foul when he tackled the Golden Child Tom Brady during a run in which Tommy neglected to start his slide (which would have saved his pwecious wittle body from harm) and Fletcher drilled him right in the torso.  A legal hit on 99.99% of the players in the NFL, unless your name is spelled Tom Brady.

Hell, to Brady’s credit, even he admitted it was a clean hit and shouldn’t have been flagged.  Fletcher was frothing at the mouth, and I honestly thought he was about to go all up in that referee’s anus with his size 12 cleats.  And you know what?  Even the announcers during the game said that he would have been justified in hitting that referee.

It’s a sad thing when officiating can dictate the outcome of a game, and when your team is struggling and you have to play not only a perennial championship contender, but you also have to play against the officiating crew, you’re bound to lose.  So this week, I’m not mad or upset at the Redskins for losing, no, I put the blame squarely on the referees’ backs, they blew it and I hope they all get pubic lice.

Monday Football Hangover – Just Kill Me

sadshanny2 300x210 Monday Football Hangover Just Kill Me

What. The. Serious. F*ck?

Ah, so the Washington Redskins proved to us once again that they’re utter and total failures at the game of Football.  How in the hell can you lose to the Jets when you basically owned them through one half of the game?  Oh, maybe it’s because your Offensive Coordinator smeared his crayon sketch of the playbook and couldn’t read it properly, so he decided “Screw it, we’re goin’ deep on every play!”.  I don’ t know to be honest, I’m not a professional.

It’s sad to see a once-proud franchise turn into the Keystone Kops since being purchased by a media mogul who stands 3 apples high (but only if he’s wearing lifts).  Dan Snyder is to good football what a double-quarter pounder with cheese is to good heart health.

At any rate, I was able to enjoy a lot of ice cold beer, and that’s really all that matters.  Oh, and then my wife and I headed out to the steakhouse where I devoured what had to be at least 2/3 of a cow.  Then to top it all off, she permitted me to take her shoe shopping.

I think my Sunday was a literal shit-sandwich.  Only the bread was shit and the filling was sweet, sweet animal meat.