If you're not feeling like death's turd, you didn't party hard enough.

It’s that time of the year again where there’s no more NFL to watch on the weekends and that means I usually have to get up off my fat ass and do things around the house.  God I hate that.  Isn’t it enough that I’m awake?  It should be.  Nobody should have to work on a Sunday when they’d rather be laying around watching other people play games for a living.

To be honest, I can’t get into the other sports.  Baseball is fine in small doses, but I really would rather be at the stadium for that.  I have never in my life been able to finish an entire 9 inning game on the television.  I tend to fall asleep somewhere between the first and second innings every time.  It’s truly like watching paint dry, but with less actual action.  Basketball?  I don’t know.  I can put a few minutes into the college game on occasion, but the pro game pisses me off.  I won’t get too deeply into it, but let’s just say when I was in elementary school gym class and the coaches were teaching us to play, travelling meant not dribbling the basketball while taking more than one step.  I see them basically break off 45 yard touchdown rushes in the NBA on their way to dunk-ville.  No thanks.

Hockey.  Hockey is fun once in a while I guess.  I like the parts when they’re not fighting, so like maybe 5 minutes of the game in all?  Plus, the Mighty Ducks team disappointed me on their historic run towards the championship way back when, and I realized that they no longer had Emilio Estevez as their head coach.  To say I was heartbroken would have been an understatement.  He’s my favorite Sheen family member.

Now that I’ve mentioned all the real sports, I guess I need to mention the other things that are going on the rest of the year.  Golf.  That’s a very hard GAME to master, I can’t do it, and have no desire to try.  But a sport?  I can’t see it.  NASCAR?  Well, before Dale Earnhardt died, I was a big fan.  Then they changed all the cars to be the exact same in body, aerodynamics, etc, and frankly that was exactly what I hated about the INDY car circuit.  Can’t stand to see a bunch of the exact same machines out there running around.  So I gave up on that about 10 years ago now.

All that is to say I’ve found a suitable replacement for the time being.  There’s this show on History Channel called “Full Metal Jousting” and if you missed the premier of this thing last night, then you missed one hell of a competition.  Jousting.  REAL Jousting, not that “Medieval Times” theme restaurant shit.  None of that for-show-only stuff they do at Renaissance festivals.  These guys are actually trying to hit and knock each other off of their horses at full speed using 12 foot lances.  This is definitely not for sissies.

I watched that show and I am now immediately hooked.  I’m really hoping it catches on and there are copy-cat leagues starting up all over the country; especially here in South Carolina.  I would go to those events every week just to see these guys try to kill each other.  It’s brutal, it’s senseless and it’s a MAN’s sport.  Jousting is the shit.  How can you not love the idea of two guys in suits of armor, riding massive horses towards each other, holding out a 12 foot pole and trying to ram it through the other guy’s shoulder?  And when they fall off those horses, it’s spectacular.  You know that shit hurts, and you just want more of it.

So, for the next few weeks, the Monday hangover will be the Full Metal Jousting Hangover.  I’ll try to type up an article that explains the show, the competitors, etc at another time.  Until then, JOUSTING bitches!