This week’s episode of Full Metal Jousting, or as I like to call it, Full Brass Balls, was a good one.  The show really has a good flow to it, and it’s actually a treat to see the training that goes into performing as a jouster.  It’s a reality show at its core, though, and you’ll see why that’s a bad thing later on.  I will say that you’ve got to be an aggressive type of person to compete in just about anything, but especially in an event that can seriously injure you.  So I understand why there are all these personality clashes, but still, I want to watch the event.  Save the pseudo drama for the Kardashians and their ilk.

But this week?  We had a great matchup.  Matt Hiltman for the Black Team vs. James Fairclough for the Red Team.  Red team had the honor of picking the matchup and they felt the best chance to get rid of Matt was to put him up against James.

As the show began, we saw the two teams blowing off a little steam after the last match.  They were partying together in their bunkhouses and this is where reality tv sank in.  Oh god, who cares?  Apparently David Prewitt still has too much teenager in him and he got pissy with John.  They had words, the typical fare you’ve come to know and hate from Reatlity TV and then David puts John into a headlock.  A headlock?  Really dude?  To John’s credit, he didn’t try to fight back or anything, the teams separated them and they had a kiss and make-up moment the next day.

According to David, “Back home we just laugh about it the next day, it’s what we do.  I don’t know what his problem is.”  You don’t?  Really?  Maybe it’s you calling him out and trying to put him in the sleeper hold as if you were Rowdy Roddy Piper.  Just because you and your “bros” back home do stupid shit like this and are alright with it, doesn’t mean that everyone you encounter is going to tolerate your stupid ass.  Grow up David.  And quit ruining Full Metal Jousting for me.  I want to see jousting, not sorority house slap-fights.

Thankfully we pass over this childish garbage and they begin training.  First a full team practice for both sides without armor.  Just horses, helmets and lances.  They work on targeting and horsemanship.  But after the practices, Joe McKinley has a sit down chat with the Coaches of FMJ.  He’s worried now that he’s no longer in contention for the top prize of $100,000 after having lost his match, that he’s taking a risk staying here for the chance that someone gets hurt and he can take their place.  He says that his body and health are crucial to his livelihood, and he doesn’t want to chance injuring himself and causing him to be unable to work.  Shane Adams tells him that quitting is a poor choice.

I can see it both ways really.  Joe has a career outside of this competition.  Since he’s not likely to win the money, what’s the point in sticking around to chance injury?  But on the other hand, NUT UP YOU SACK OF SAD LITTLE GIRL FARTS!!!!  Be a man, joust for god’s sake!

The matchup is set for this week and the teams being practicing full contact.  Matt looks to be an old pro right off the bat.  However, after he gets an armor adjustment made, it’s like he’s never been on the list before.  He’s having trouble with timing and targeting.  And it’s just building frustration for him.  I know how he feels.  Sometimes I can eat 3 slices of pizza like there’s nothing to it, and then when I get up to get a beer, I can’t seem to force the fourth one down.

As James begins his practice, he’s looking great.  Shattering lances right and left.  He comes up against John Stikes for a practice run.  John is unhorsed, but unfortunately, so is James.  John gets up asking about James, and James is still face down in the sand.  The coaches run to assist him, and when they opened his helmet, he was covered in blood.  Apparently that helmet is sharp on the inside and gashed his head.

They take him to the hospital for evaluation.  After 3 staples to the head (that shit is brutal, I don’t care what you say) he checks out and heads back to the ranch.  He was diagnosed with a concussion, meaning he cannot compete this week.  And with the match coming up tomorrow, there’s no time to practice a replacement rider.  That just sucks.

The coaches decide to replace James with the man who unhorsed him, John Stikes.  John has never ridden any of the horses they use for actual competition, so he’s worried that will come to be a factor.  I imagine not knowing the horse’s tendencies would be a handicap, but then, I watch a lot of Western movies and those guys just jump on whatever horse is nearby and handle it like a champ.  So maybe John isn’t watching enough Westerns.

They also call all the competitors together, announcing a runners-up contest.  Anyone who doesn’t qualify for the $100k grand prize is eligible to be selected to compete for $25k.  This insures that nobody is thinking about going home now.  There’s a reason to stick it out.  A small chance, but a chance nonetheless.

And finally.  FINALLY we get a match up.  As it turns out, Matt was John’s boss for 5 years in theatrical jousting.  If it was me, I’d love the chance to crush my boss like this, but John seems to let it get to his confidence.  Sissy.

And we’re off!

Pass One:  Red Misses, Black shatters a lance.

Score:  Red 0 – Black 5

Pass Two:  Red Strike, Black shatters another lance

Score:  Red 1 – Black 10

Pass Three:  Red and Black both miss.  Both horses pulled away from the center, causing both knights to whiff.

Score:  Red 1 – Black 10

Pass Four:  Red Miss, Black shatters another lance.  At this point, you can see that John is having a lot of trouble with controlling his horse.

Score:  Red 1 – Black 15

Pass Five:  Red miss, Black shatters yet another lance.  This is going to cost these guys some cash, lances can’t be cheap.

Score:  Red 1 – Black 20

Pass Six:  Red balks.  His horse stuttered during the run, and caused a balk.  Balk is failure to control your horse on the list.  This is a penalty of -5 points.  Black however, scores a strike.

Score:  Red – 4  - Black 21

At this point, Red team goes for a horse swap.  I would have done that around pass 4 myself and even John says as much.  An earlier switch to a horse with better control might have changed things up.  It’s nearly impossible for John to make a comeback now.

Pass Seven:  Red breaks a lance, but misses the grand guard so no points.  Black misses

Score:  Red -4  - Black 21

Pass Eight.  Both jousters miss, which is sort of a let down at this point.  It was mentioned that John could have still won, providing he unhorsed Matt, and Matt was unable to return to his horse within two minutes, thus forfeiting the match up.
Unfortunately, John was blindsided into the match up, riding an unfamiliar horse and going against a superior jouster.  One can only hope that Kharma remembers him kindly one day.