Oh my god, oh my god, ohmygod, ohmygod!!! Hostess, the evil mad scientists behind the only food that has ever been able to tell Nature to get bent, has filed for bankruptcy protection! Why, you might ask? Well, they’re broke, I might answer, quit being stupid. But apparently, they are struggling to make enough money to keep paying their bills thanks to you Americans trying not be fat tubs of crap. Real nice. Think about Hostess won’t you? Twinkie the Kid doesn’t have any other employment options. It’s either Spokes-cake for the never decaying treat or stunt double for Spongebob Squarepants. That’s it. And Twinkie the Kid’s getting up in the years, he can’t take the falls required of today’s Nickelodeon action stars.
Think about it. Twinkies have been around since 1930. They’ve survived the depression, WWII, Vietnam, all the hippies (and if you don’t think they didn’t have soaring profits in the 60′s and 70′s with all the rampant pot smoking, you must have your head lodged firmly in your rectum). They’re like a sugary, cream filled Dick Cheney. They can’t be killed by traditional means.
They’re an American Icon. We need to organize a “Save The Twinkie” fundraiser, and we need to do it yesterday! Time is of the essence.
So, I suggest the following musical extravaganza to help raise awareness and much needed funds to keep our Twinkies on the shelves, and ultimately in our hearts..specifically our arteries.
The rock n roll supershow to save a supersnack!
Featuring performances by famous fat-asses such as:
Meatloaf singing “I would do anything for love, but stay outta my snack cakes”
Reuben Studdard of American Idol Fame performing a 25 Ho-Ho salute
Kirstie Alley & Oprah (fat Oprah) Competitive Ding Dong Eaters
Christina Aguilera will waddle her way through some nonsensical tune of hers
And many more!
Also, don’t miss your chance to play “Hog, Swine, Or FatAss” presented by the American Coalition Of Whale-people (A-COW)
This is just the start people. We need to save Twinkies, Cupcakes, Ho Ho’s, Ding Dongs, Ring Dings, Suzy Q’s, Snoballs and Zingers. Imagine America without such cardiac event inducing treats. It would be horrible. Won’t you please donate to save an American Institution?